Donald Trump Creates Email Account

Mail.ru Offices

TRUMP TOWER – President-Elect Donald P. Trump today announced that he has opened an email account to better connect with the American public and his worldwide friends.  “Twitter is great and will continue to be my preferred form of communication with everyone,” The Donald said, “but my trusted former friend, what’s-his-name from New Jersey (sad!) 

What's-his-name

 once suggested that I need more than 149 things than Twitter lets me have to let everyone know what is on my mind.  I was going to open an AOL account, but my current best friend, Vlad, suggested that I use an account that is never hacked, so following his advice, I have arranged for my new email account starting January 20, 2017, so that I can send my longer thoughts and receive congratulatory emails at potus@mail.ru.  I will not use this address for official email like Crooked Hillary did."

Crooked Hillary

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Trump Saves Another 6 Jobs

North Rutland, VT – President-Elect Donald P. Trump made a visit to this remote village today to announce that he has persuaded The George George Toothpick Company to remain in the United States.  George George, the owner of the company which employees 6 workers, including 4 members of the George family, from relocating to Brazil. 

Mr. George said that the planned relocation was inspired by inexpensive wood available from the clearing of the Amazon rain forests, and the sunny climate.  “Also, Bernie won’t be there to try and shove Obamacare and free tuition down our throads”, he said.  [Note, Mr. George did say “throads”, when he obviously meant “throats”.]

CutePick

President-Elect Trump used a carrot and stick approach in persuading Mr. George to reconsider the relocation.  While threatening a 35% tariff on toothpicks manufactured in countries other than the United States, which would cut deeply into the $8,000 monthly sales of toothpicks that his company now enjoys in the sale of his banner product, the “Cutepick” to Whole Foods and the A & P grocery chain, Mr. Trump offered Mr. George an incentive package to relocate his manufacturing facility to Indiana, where Governor and Vice President-Elect Mike Pence will provide a ten-year tax relief package and a $750,000 grant, providing the relocation occurs not later than January 19, 2017. 

“It’s a win-win solution”, Mr. George said, “and mostly I win.”  Mr. Trump gave Mr. George a USA baseball cap and helicoptered off to meet with officials of a maple syrup company that has threatened to move its maple trees from Vermont to Mexico.  

Donald J. Trump's DNA Hacked

SANTA CRUZ - 23 and Me today announced that its laboratory reports have been hacked and leaked to Wikileaks.org.  Among the personal information obtained by the hackers, who are not linked to the Russian government or the Clinton campaign, are the DNA results of presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

According to the leaked reports, Mr. Trump's DNA shows that his DNA is linked as follows:  40 percent to Orangatang, 20 percent to Nazi, 30 percent to African-American, and 10 percent to Ashkenazi Jewish moneylenders.

Donald's Second Cousin Will Get Administration Job

Upset with DNA Results

23 and Me expressed its consternation that its laboratory results have been hacked.  Mr. Trump has asked that his friend, former U.S. Attorney and Mayor of NYC to "sniff out the bastard who did this.  I wouldn't put it past Lying Ted Cruz or Little Marco.  Jeb! has too low energy to have been responsible.

Reverse Mortgage Lender Ditches Henry Winkler As Spokesman

Mr. Winkler

CLEVELAND - One Reverse Mortgage Company, a subsidiary of Quicken Loans, today announced that it is dropping actor Henry Winkler, who starred as Fonzie on Happy Days, and currently stars in Better Late Than Never on NBC, as its television spokesman.  "This change was not done without a great deal of thought and research, since many of the old farts who sit on the advertising committee of the Quicken Board of Directors still have a warm spot in their hearts for Henry", said Heinrich Quick, the Board of Directors chairman.  "We just haven't had the results we were hoping for, as many of the old folks who were our prospective customers don't remember Henry's great performances in Happy Days, and most just sit around drooling or have Alzheimer's.

Mr. Thompson

Mr. Selleck

 Our first TV spokesman was Fred Thompson, a former Senator, and actor, but he did so poorly in his failed run for president that we ditched him.  Even our competitor, American Advisors Company, dropped Tom Selleck, star of Three Men and a Baby, its TV spokesman for the same reasons."
  

Professor Kaczynski

Mr. Quick went on to announce a new strategy for reverse mortgage advertising.  "A study conducted by the same organization used by Depend® Underwear‎  pads came to the conclusion that we would do better advertising with an endorsement of a mathematician since it is the younger generation who make the final decision on whether or not their aging parents should buy a reverse mortgage.  They want to see real numbers, not just look at some has-been actor or failed religious-nut failed politician.  After a nationwide search, we engaged a gentleman with a degree from Harvard and a Ph.D. in mathematics from the University of Michigan, where he had a National Science Foundation fellowship.  Mr.Kaczynski was a mathematics professor at the University of California, Berkeley.  For several years he has resided in Florence, Colorado, and he has assured us that he will develop a compelling case to persuade the older people to buy into our program. Unfortunately, his schedule does not permit him to record TV commercials, so in the future, we will resort to direct mail."

Transgender Bathroom Firestorm Rages On

Malibu, CA - This reporter consulted a Liberty University/WSJ  poll recently and found that the public is more interested in what bathrooms transgender individuals use than, for example, who is winning the Syrian civil war or who Jill Stein is. Being the reporter that I am, I jumped on the issue.  

Many states have passed laws that require that transgender persons use the bathroom based on their birth gender as shown on their birth certificates, some states permit transgenders to use the bathroom for the sex that they currently associate themselves with, and some states just don't give a crap. (Possibly a poor choice of words, in retrospect.)

Luckily, I was able to interview two of the most famous transgender persons to get their views on the issue.  First, I spoke to Chaz Bono, born Chastity Bono. Asked which public bathroom she-he uses, Chaz said that she uses a men's room, but always goes to the privacy of a stall with a door.  "I once tried peeing at a urinal, but lacking the necessary physical appendage, the urine just ran down my thighs. It stained my pants, and I got a lot of strange looks from some black guy at the next urinal."

Next, I happened to run into Caitlyn Jenner at a Rexall Drug Store, where he-she was shopping for condoms and sanitary pads.  "Caitlyn", I said, "where do you go to pee?"  With a deep-throated laugh, the he-she told me that she always uses a woman's room restroom when out in public, since everyone has the privacy of a stall.  "At home", he-she continued, "I am just like every other guy.  I pee standing up, except at night, when I sit down to pee.  In the privacy of my backyard at home, I just raise my dress, pull down my panties, and whip it out.  Its habit."

Trump To Commence Implantation of Immigration Policy

EL PASSO - This reporter today learned of Donald Trump's plan to implement his immigration policy even before taking office as president in 2017.  Infamous hacker Edward Snowden first learned of The Donald's plan by reading his email, easy to do because Trump relies on AOL mail sent on an IBM PC running Windows Vista.

According to the information gathered by Mr. Snowden, and sent exclusively to this reporter because of our long friendship, Mr. Trump plans to induce Mexicans to return to their homeland by a unique operation.

Mr. Trump's real estate empire has purchased large tracks of land just south of the Rio Grande and constructed tent cities.

Trump Tent City - Juarez, Mexico

Trump's plan is to campaign in Texas and Arizona cities near the Mexican border.  While there, he will offer to take Mexican children for a ride in his helicopter. 

Trump's Helicopter Taking Off With Mexican Children

Once aboard, the children will be transported across the border and dropped off at a Trump Tent City.  Upon the helicopter's return, the frantic parents will willingly go back to Mexico to be reunited with their children.  Mr. Trump has arranged for the parents to get complimentary Greyhound bus tickets back to Mexico, thus freeing his helicopter to give more Mexican children rides.

Mexican Children Volunteering for a Helicopter Ride

"Once I am President and Commander in Chief," Trump e-mailed his campaign staff, "we will fly all of the undocumented Latinos back to Mexico using military airplanes, where they can rob and rape to their heart's content."  Mr. Trump said that he has been assured by Texas Governor Perry that the Texas Air National Guard will be ready to assist.  "Obviously that douche bag Perry forgot that he won't be the governor of Texas in January 2017, Trump said.

AARP Endorses ISIL

ISIL Flag

AARP Flag

DETROIT  - The Michigan affiliate of AARP today announced that it has accepted a request to give the ISIL (sometimes known as ISIS) its endorsement.  “While AARP does not usually endorse, or even accept advertisements of a political nature” said Rufus Booker T. Nixon, the executive director of AARP, “we have decided to make this exception on a trial basis.”

Mr. Nixon pointed out that the AARP has always prostituted itself out by selling its endorsement to almost any company or group that will pay its fee, including such corporate giants as United Health Care, Hartford Insurance, and The Hemlock Society. 

“The younger population of Detroit, in particular, has shown great interest and some support for ISIL, but we feel that our older members may not be sure that it is socially acceptable to support this new, emerging state.  The AARP endorsement will certainly put them at ease, especially since they will know that it is not Al-Qaeda.”

Mr. al-Baghdadi

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) told this reporter “the AARP endorsement will give our new nation the acceptance of many Americans, and will help the AARP in its drive to recruit new AARP members in the mid-east.”  “Shit” * said al-Baghdadi, we steal enough oil in Syria and Iraq in ten minutes to pay for the endorsement.”

 “In accordance with the AARP endorsement, our organization has agreed to publish articles in forthcoming AARP journals explaining the wisdom of Sharia Law, and that it does not require the immediate killing of Christians and Jews,” said Nixon.  “I am assured that ISIL respects the concept of due process of law for some.”

While most Republican presidential hopefuls were awaiting talking points on the subject from their financial backers, Donald Trump said that he did not have a problem with the AARP endorsement.  “They are not raping our women, stealing American jobs, or bleeding from their eyes and wherever,” said Trump.

Candidate Trump

 * Translated from Farsi by Google Translate ©

Trump trumps Walter James Parker

Donald Trump

Dr. Parker and the late Cecil

New York City - Presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump today said that Walter James Parker, the dentist who hunted and shot Cecil, a beloved lion, in Zimbabwe last week, is not a great sportsman and that Cecil is not as impressive a trophy as his own trophy lion.

"Shit", said Trump.  "Mexicans shoot lions all the time, and also smuggle dope and rape women.  I assume, however, that some of the lions they shoot are also loved animals, although I guess that Mexican lions look like big feral cats."

Leo is in his prime.

Leo Mounted

"I, myself" continued The Donald, hunted and shot the best-known lion of all times, Leo, the MGM Lion.  


That sucker was through roaring when I got through with him.  Just one shot is all it took, as he was being walked to an MGM sound stage.  Now, Leo was a good-looking animal, and I had him mounted.  When I get to the White House, Leo will be in the Oval Office."

"I'll bet that  Hillary wouldn't shoot a lion if it was about to bite her in the ass," he said. "Or the pussy."

Prisoners to Join Search For Escapees

Governor Cuomo

Dannemora  - Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced that trustee prisoners from the Clinton County penitentiary will join state and local police in searching for the escapees from that facility.  

"The use of trustee prisoners to aid in the search for Richard Matt and David Sweat makes sense", Cuomo said.  "The police and volunteers that have been tracking Mr. Matt and Mr. Sweat are now dog tired and could use a rest.  The trustee prisoners are rested, fit as a fiddle, and would enjoy a few days out in the fresh Adirondack air.  Also, they could certainly identify the escapees, with whom they have socialized for several years." The trustee prisoner searchers will be paid forty cents an hour and camp out in tents provided by the National Guard.  

Escapees Matt & Sweat

When asked by this reporter whether the prisoners who would be used in the search might not themselves run away, Governor Cuomo discounted that possibility.  "The warden has assured me that these men that will be utilized in the search are completely loyal and trustworthy.  That is why they are called 'trustees'".

Instead of prison garb, the new searchers will wear military-style camouflage outfits that will distinguish them from regular police officers. Distinguished arm patches are being designed which will feature the New York State seal in the center, and the words "Trustee Searcher" in a surrounding ring.  "Cool weather gear is being put out for bid, since the search is expected to continue into fall and possibly winter," a spokesman for the New York State Office of General Services said.

Caitlyn Jenner Gets $$$$$ For Endorsement

HOLLYWOOD - George Zygote, Caitlyn Jenner's business manager and agent today announced that Caitlyn had signed a 7 figure contract to endorse Monistat vaginal creme.  "Caitlyn is the hottest property for commercial endorsements," Zygote said.  "Caitlyn and Monistat will kick off an advertising blitz in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine, and Caitlyn will soon be seen in Monistat's TV commercials, probably riding a horse on a beach, sort of like the old Tampax commercials of a couple of decades ago."

In an interview with this reporter, Caitlyn said "When I was Bruce and my nuts itched, I could just scratch them.  That was perfectly acceptable for men and probably still is.  However, it would be crude for me to scratch my lady parts, and Monistat is a lifesaver for me. Kris told me that Monistat is the best remedy on the market.  God, I never knew what an itch was until my first yeast infection."

Back in Newtown, Connecticut, Harold Kardashian, the Newtown High School track coach, said that the school would consider renaming its Blue and Gold Stadium the "Caitlyn Jenner Stadium" if she makes a substantial donation to the school's athletic program.  The stadium had been named the Bruce Jenner Stadium for about 25 years, but it was renamed in 2002 when Jenner failed to help with requested fundraising for its renovation. "Bruce was a great athlete", Kardashian said, and an all-around great student.  In addition to football and track, I believe that he was in the band and played the skin flute."

Zygote said that he is exploring additional endorsement opportunities for Caitlyn, and might soon start marketing a perfume, "Caitlyn Smells", which will be sold at Macy's and Dick's Sporting Goods.

Dennis Rodman Appointed Nuclear Weapons Broker

Kim and Dennis discuss marketing strategy

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korean president Kim Jong-Un today announced that his government has appointed former basketball star Dennis Rodman as its official weapons broker. Rodman, who has made several visits to President Kim Jong-Un, his "dear friend for life", in the past couple of years, has formed Nuke, LLC, a limited liability company registered in Tehran, Iran.

"Nuke, LLC, will market North Korean technology to the technology and weapons starved middle eastern nations," said Rodman.  Although my company has only been in business for a couple of days, I have already been approached by the representative of a mid-eastern country which indicated its desire to purchase several nuclear weapons from North Korea.  I have been assured that the proposed purchases are for peaceful use only", said Rodman.  He declined, however, to identify the proposed purchaser or his compensation agreement with his dear friend for life.

"Unlike other African-American athletes who have formed record companies, invested in restaurants and bars, or just shacked up with white broads, I have formed an organization which will have a global impact and helps maintain the high employment of workers in the Asian part of the world."

[Note:  Mr. Rodman's statements were originally made in Ebonics, but have been translated for this report by Rev. Al Sharpton]

Dennis is "fucking it up"

United States Secretary of State John Kerry was clearly unhappy with the Jong-Un - Rodman deal.  "This could fuck up our negotiations that are designed to keep Israel safe until at least the end of the Obama administration", Kerry said.

Lady Feeds Dog Beneful Dog Food - Loses Best Friend

Tacoma - Georgiana Smuts -Link of the neighboring community of Hosego, reported that she had fed her dog, Boehner, a 4-year-old cocker spaniel, Beneful dog food for approximately seven months.  Yesterday, she lost her best friend.


Susan Quan, her best friend, was hit by a Walmart truck that was bringing Beneful dog food, among other things, to the Tacoma Walmart Store. Susan died at the scene.  "I really miss Susan, as she was my best friend", said Georgiana.  "I could always go to the pound and get another dog, but a friend like Susan is difficult to replace."

The Walton family members had no comment, other than to express their condolences to Georgiana and offer her two 25 pound bags of Beneful Prime.

Viagra App for Apple Watch

Saratoga Springs, NY - Viagra today announced that it has created

Viagra

an application for the Apple Watch which was unveiled in Cupertino, California, on September 9.  The Viagra App will be available on the iTunes shortly after IOS 8 is launched, and will be named "Frisky".   Frisky will be free to download, but its use requires the purchase and use of the Apple Watch and iPhone.   Frisky will reside on the Apple Watch wearer's iPhone.

Apple Watch

The Apple Watch has built in health monitoring capabilities, and many applications to check vital signs such as pulse, blood pressure, bladder capacity, as well as other health items, including dandruff, acne, and chlamydia.  (Although an application to detect Alzheimer's Disease was developed, it will not be available because Apple engineers believe that a wearer who in fact has Alzheimer's Disease would not understand the notification.)

Frisky works quite simply.  When the Apple Watch wearer swallows a Viagra pill and its active ingredient, sildenafil,  enters the blood stream, the iWatch sends a Bluetooth signal to the user's iPhone.  That signal immediately enables Location Services on the iPhone, and starts the iPhone clock timer.  In the event that the iWatch continues to show the presence of sildenafil in blood after 4 hours, the application presumes that the user still has an erection, and

iPhone Timer

immediately dials 911.  When the call is answered by the 911 call center, a recorded message gives the iPhone location and Siri says the following: "There is a man at this location who has an erection lasting more than 4 hours.  Please send medical help immediately."
(As an option, Siri will say, in Spanish, "Hay un hombre en este lugar que tiene una erección que dura más de 4 horas . Por favor enviar ayuda médica de inmediato.")

Frisky 2.0, due out in early Spring 2015, will also display calories used during sexual intercourse, and performance satisfaction on a 1 - 10 scale.

This medical advance in technology was made possible by the use of Apple's new HealthKit© development program.  It is rumored that Cialis is working on a similar program, but it will be limited to having Siri give self-help medical advice, such as telling the wearer to pack his penis in ice.  That app, still unnamed, has yet to be tested by both Apple and the FDA.

ISIS Flag Contract Awarded

Detroit, MI - The Betsy Ross Flag Co, Inc. of Detroit (NASDAQ: BRFC)  today announced that it had been awarded a contract to manufacture the ISIS (also known as ISIL) flag for that organization.  The initial order was for 10,000 flags of various sizes, but ISIS procurement agent Khalid Bin Ali El-Hoori told this reporter that he expects to place additional orders in the future as his organization grows in size, both in membership and geographical areas it controls. 

"We chose Betsy Ross because of its fine reputation for quality" El-Hoori said.  "The company is a member of The Flag Manufacturers

Association of America, and we have been assured that all of our flags will bear the Association's "Certified Made in the U.S.A." label.  The fact that the flags will be American made is consistent with the place of manufacture of most of our weapons, which we recently obtained in

El-Hoori

the former Iraq, now part of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant."

"Detroit is pleased to welcome Betsy Ross" said Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan.  "In order to fill its contract with ISIS, Betsy Ross will open a factory in a Detroit Empowerment Zone, which will give it several tax advantages.  Those tax advantages give Betsy Ross a cost of production advantage over its competitors, and I feel certain that other Jihadists will also seek to have Betsy Ross make their symbolic flags, and come to Detroit to buy Jeeps for their troops and Chrysler 200 sedans for their leaders."

Let's bomb the shit out of Detroit

Government officials in Washington were slow to react to the news.  While the Obama administration had no immediate comment, waiting to see the reaction of Jon Stewart and other late night pundits, some congressmen were quick to react.  

Rep. Paul Ryan said that he favors a tax break for Betsy Ross and all American corporations no matter what they produce or who they produce it for.

 Sen. John McCain said "I think  we should  bomb the shit out of Detroit."

Tim Cook Challenges Hackers

Tim Cook

Cupertino, CA - Apple CEO Tim Cook today reiterated his statement that the Apple iCloud was not the cause of hackers posting celebrity nude photos that they claimed that they downloaded from the iCloud.  Among the celebrities whose photos have been circulated on the web are Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst.  (It has been rumored that nude photos of Hillary Clinton were going to be circulated, but her press secretary, Hannah ("Sweetie Pie") Gorg, denied that Ms. Clinton had an iCloud account, and said that she and Bill store their intimate photos on Dropbox.

"Dong gone it" quipped Cook, "I am going to prove the security of iCloud once and for all by posting nude and intimate photos of me, my family, and even our pet donkey on the iCloud.  I mean even full nude frontal shots, although the donkey photo will be a side photograph of Dirk."

Dirk the Donkey

When reached for comment, Ms. Lawrence and Ms. Dunst said that in retrospect the photos have given them some great publicity that will invigorate their waning careers.  "I am going to order the iPhone 6" said Ms. Lawrence, but Ms. Kirsten said that she had switched to the Galaxy smart phone but hasn't yet learned how to operate it. 

In Moscow, Edward Snowden told a CNN interviewer that the photos were leaked by the NSA, which has a 23 person staff who just download nudes and pornography, mostly for their own entertainment.