FTC Announces New Diversity Advertising Rules

Washington DC - Today, Federal Trade Chairman Joseph J. Simons announced that the Commission has promulgated new rules to ensure diversity and honesty in television advertising.  

Chairman Simons

"All too often," Commissioner Simons said, "the television audience just sees lots of white folks having a good time in television advertising that is hawking everything from prescription medicines, automobile insurance, and feminine products.  This does not truly reflect America, now that it has been made great again, and the new rules will demonstrate that diversity is now shared by both sides of the political aisle."

In a nutshell, the rules provide:

1. Every TV commercial that includes two caucasian ("Cauc") actors must also include at least one actor from the following ethnic groups: African American ("Negro"), Native American ("Indian"), or Asian ("Slant").  A person of Spanish heritage will be deemed to be a Cauc, except for advertising in California, Arizona, Texas, Florida, and New Mexico, where they will be referred to as "Latino" and will be included in the list of diverse Ethnic Actor Americans.

2. Negro actors must have a skin tone equal to or darker than Sherwin Williams 3522 Banyon Brown semi-transparent stain, or darker.

3. The Ethnic Actors must smile during the commercial, except in advertising described in Rule 6, below.

4. Every TV commercial for a bank or other financial institution must have an Ethnic Actor as a manager or loan officer.  White security guards will be unarmed and will open doors for Ethnic Actors.

5.    Luxury automobile dealers' ads must have either an Ethnic Actor as a salesperson or manager, or an Ethnic Actor as a purchaser, or both.

6. Advertising for hotels, restaurants, and other large venues that show groups of ten or more individuals must, in addition to a sole Ethnic Actor, must show at least one mixed-race couple and an obvious gay or lesbian of any ethnicity.  As an option, a drag queen may be substituted for a gay or lesbian actor.  [Note: certain hotel chains may apply for an exemption to this rule.]

6.   Ads for prescription pharmaceuticals may not show any actors laughing, smiling, or otherwise displaying joyful conduct during the listing or reading of the medicine's side effects. Looks of wonderment during such times are permitted at the discretion of the advertiser.  

" It should be noted that although the majority of the FTC commissioners were appointed by our current Great Leader, the proposed rules have been favorably commented upon by none other than Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ("AOC").  "The adoption of these rules will become effective following the mandatory 90 review and comment period, God willing," said Commissioner Simons.

President Trump to Get Covid Vaccine

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump’s physician, Sean Conley, today announced that he will be administering President Trump with a special Covid vaccine.  Electing to shun either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines that have just become available, President Trump has elected to be vaccinated with a 70/30 percent solution of 

Contains 30% Chlorox

hydroxychloroquine and Chlorox.  “That bastard Fauci is hawking this other shit,” said the Donald, “but Rush said that this new combination is better than the crap that they are giving Biden, the father of that crook, Hunter.”  

Dr. Conley

According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, many Republican members of the Senate and House of Representatives will also elect to follow the president’s lead.  “You can’t get off the Trump train now,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, or the President will unleash a Twitter shitstorm against you.”

DISNEY OPENS AMID COVID 19 AND OTHER ISSUES

Donald has Colibacillosis

ORLANDO – Walt Disney World opened today amidst the worst outbreak of the Covid 19 Virus yet to hit Florida.  While masks and social distancing are required, visitors are unable

to get the full “Disney Experience.”  Although guests are greeted by Goofy, its main stars, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck,  are nowhere in sight.

“We have had several medical issues of late,” said Disney veterinarian Horatio DeSantis.  “First, Donald came down with Colibacillosis, which he has been treating with some antibiotics mixed into his mash.  He seems to be responding, but it may be a couple of weeks before he greets guests, and then we can’t design a proper face mask for him.”

Covid 19 + Clap

“More seriously,” DeSantis said, “Mickey Mouse is showing the symptoms of the Covid 19 Virus, on top of which he is still recovering from a dose of the clap, which he undoubtedly got from that slut, Minnie.”

Minnie the Slut

Minnie Mouse has not been in attendance either, and rumor has it that she is on medication for a candidiasis infection, but she is expected to be back on stage by next weekend.

Kimberly-Clark to Manufacture Face Masks

Washington DC: President Donald Trump today, under the authority of the Defense Production Act, today directed Kimberly Clark International of Neenah, Wisconsin, to manufacture 50,000,000 face masks. “Kimberly Clerk (sic) is a great American company,” Trump said during his regular late afternoon press conference, “I know their products well, as I use their ‘Cottenelle’ toilet tissue to wipe my ass.”

The president’s order will not affect the company’s ability to produce Cottonelle, which like other tissue products, is in short supply due to hoarding by affluent Americans who purchased large quantities at Costco, Sam’s Club, and supermarkets. Jordan G. Jordan, Kimberly Clark’s senior vice president in charge of production, said that the president’s directive would force the company to switch the manufacture of its Kotex sanitary pads to the production of the face masks. “We will simply add ear loops to our Maxi-Pads, and that should do the trick,” Jordan said. “When the Covid-19 crisis is over, many of our face mask customers will find other uses for any surplus masks.”

The president’s action resulted from a suggestion by Senior Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner, who came up with the idea while rummaging through Ivanka’s bathroom drawers.

Pre-Production Face Mask

NEW YORK – Shark Tank Members Join in Unusual Funding.  In an episode to be aired Sunday evening, April 26th, (ABC, 9:00 PM EDT – check local listing), the five regular cast members of Shark Tank fought each other to fund one of the most unusual start-up companies, Mothers’ Milk, LLC©.  Entrepreneur Wilston Hickey of Chlamydia, Arkansas, asked for $250,000 for a 10% stake in his venture.  His company, which employs approximately three hundred wet nurses that supply genuine mothers' milk to mothers throughout the United States.  

Suzzi Hickey

At first, appearing incredulous when hearing Hickey’s pitch, the entire cast soon realized that he was presenting an unusual investment opportunity.  Hickey explained that he started his business when his teenage daughter, Suzzi, was offered a job as a wet nurse by a local Republican congresswoman who didn’t have time to nurse her own baby.  Suzzi had stopped nursing her child, Washington Hickey after he started kindergarten, but the milk kept coming and the wet nurse job paid well.  Suzzie mentioned that many of her friends had excess milk, and some had sold some on Craigslist.  After putting an ad on Facebook, Hickey was swamped with offers to both sell and buy real mothers' milk.  He quickly realized that the sale of mothers' milk, properly marketed, could supplement his meager income as a roadkill chef in a local restaurant.

Suzzi passed out samples to the Sharks, but only Keven O’Leary tasted the sample and said that it compared very favorably for some mothers milk that he had drunk a couple of months prior to the taping of the show.  

Asked about the economics, Hickey said that he pays his “herd” $1.15 per pint, and sells it locally for $4.50 if picked up at his storefront “dairy”, but $15.00 online, including overnight UPS.  He is hoping to get into Whole Foods and possibly Krogers in the near future.  

While impressed with the margins, Robert Herjavec said it would not fit into his investment portfolio and declined, as did Mark Cuban who did not see a sports-related market for the product.

Daymond John showed an interest, particularly since many of her herd were probably minority women, considering that the company is based in Arkansas.  He declined to invest, however, saying that it would be a conflict with his investment in “Bovine Mama”, which offered a similar product in the mid-Atlantic states.

O’Leary declined to invest because he didn’t think it had licensing possibilities, but Shark Barbara Cocoran jumped in and made the investment, stating that it would fit in nicely with her other food product investments.

Musk's Boring Company Gets Mexican Contract

Mexico City - April 2, 2020.                                                                                                 Elon Musk announced that The Boring Company has received a contract to construct multiple tunnels at undisclosed locations in Mexico.  The Boring Company has completed one tunnel to convey automobiles and pedestrians in Las Vegas and is in the process of completing a second one.  The company is also negotiating with the city of Chicago for the construction of a tunnel from downtown to its nearby airport.  "This will be The Boring Company's first contract to construct tunnels in a foreign country and the first with a privately-owned customer," Musk announced at a joint press conference with El Mencho, the CEO of The Cartel Jalisco Nueva Generacion.

Boring Company Flamethrower

 Although details of the contract have not been announced, the contract will provide for the construction of the tunnels in northern Mexico. As a bonus for Musk, the contracting party is also expected to order several performance models of the Tesla Model X as well as the Cybertruck. "I bought mucho numbers of The Boring Company's flamethrower," said El Mencho, "and my company found many out-of-the-box uses for them." (Spanish to English translation supplied by Google Translate).

Trump Order Cell Phone Ventilators

WASHINGTON, DC March 30, 2020
President Trump today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require cell phone manufacturers to produce programs that will make everyone's mobile phone into a ventilator.  "I have today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require Apple and Google to make programs, sometimes called 'apps' that will make their cell phones into ventilators.  I told Tim Cook that I want the iPhones to work by holding them up to a person's nose and have lifesaving oxygen come out of the speaker holes, and the guy with a foreign-sounding name who runs Google to make a program so that the adenoids (sic) phones do the same."    Trump told a press conference on the Rose Garden lawn that this was entirely possible by Dr. Ben Carson, and easily done.  "It will be beautiful", Trump said. The programs will be available on the iTunes store for a nominal charge or can be downloaded free on the www.makeamericagreatagain.net website starting Good Friday.