Trump To Commence Implantation of Immigration Policy

EL PASSO - This reporter today learned of Donald Trump's plan to implement his immigration policy even before taking office as president in 2017.  Infamous hacker Edward Snowden first learned of The Donald's plan by reading his email, easy to do because Trump relies on AOL mail sent on an IBM PC running Windows Vista.

According to the information gathered by Mr. Snowden, and sent exclusively to this reporter because of our long friendship, Mr. Trump plans to induce Mexicans to return to their homeland by a unique operation.

Mr. Trump's real estate empire has purchased large tracks of land just south of the Rio Grande and constructed tent cities.

Trump Tent City - Juarez, Mexico

Trump's plan is to campaign in Texas and Arizona cities near the Mexican border.  While there, he will offer to take Mexican children for a ride in his helicopter. 

Trump's Helicopter Taking Off With Mexican Children

Once aboard, the children will be transported across the border and dropped off at a Trump Tent City.  Upon the helicopter's return, the frantic parents will willingly go back to Mexico to be reunited with their children.  Mr. Trump has arranged for the parents to get complimentary Greyhound bus tickets back to Mexico, thus freeing his helicopter to give more Mexican children rides.

Mexican Children Volunteering for a Helicopter Ride

"Once I am President and Commander in Chief," Trump e-mailed his campaign staff, "we will fly all of the undocumented Latinos back to Mexico using military airplanes, where they can rob and rape to their heart's content."  Mr. Trump said that he has been assured by Texas Governor Perry that the Texas Air National Guard will be ready to assist.  "Obviously that douche bag Perry forgot that he won't be the governor of Texas in January 2017, Trump said.

AARP Endorses ISIL

ISIL Flag

AARP Flag

DETROIT  - The Michigan affiliate of AARP today announced that it has accepted a request to give the ISIL (sometimes known as ISIS) its endorsement.  “While AARP does not usually endorse, or even accept advertisements of a political nature” said Rufus Booker T. Nixon, the executive director of AARP, “we have decided to make this exception on a trial basis.”

Mr. Nixon pointed out that the AARP has always prostituted itself out by selling its endorsement to almost any company or group that will pay its fee, including such corporate giants as United Health Care, Hartford Insurance, and The Hemlock Society. 

“The younger population of Detroit, in particular, has shown great interest and some support for ISIL, but we feel that our older members may not be sure that it is socially acceptable to support this new, emerging state.  The AARP endorsement will certainly put them at ease, especially since they will know that it is not Al-Qaeda.”

Mr. al-Baghdadi

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) told this reporter “the AARP endorsement will give our new nation the acceptance of many Americans, and will help the AARP in its drive to recruit new AARP members in the mid-east.”  “Shit” * said al-Baghdadi, we steal enough oil in Syria and Iraq in ten minutes to pay for the endorsement.”

 “In accordance with the AARP endorsement, our organization has agreed to publish articles in forthcoming AARP journals explaining the wisdom of Sharia Law, and that it does not require the immediate killing of Christians and Jews,” said Nixon.  “I am assured that ISIL respects the concept of due process of law for some.”

While most Republican presidential hopefuls were awaiting talking points on the subject from their financial backers, Donald Trump said that he did not have a problem with the AARP endorsement.  “They are not raping our women, stealing American jobs, or bleeding from their eyes and wherever,” said Trump.

Candidate Trump

 * Translated from Farsi by Google Translate ©

Trump trumps Walter James Parker

Donald Trump

Dr. Parker and the late Cecil

New York City - Presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump today said that Walter James Parker, the dentist who hunted and shot Cecil, a beloved lion, in Zimbabwe last week, is not a great sportsman and that Cecil is not as impressive a trophy as his own trophy lion.

"Shit", said Trump.  "Mexicans shoot lions all the time, and also smuggle dope and rape women.  I assume, however, that some of the lions they shoot are also loved animals, although I guess that Mexican lions look like big feral cats."

Leo is in his prime.

Leo Mounted

"I, myself" continued The Donald, hunted and shot the best-known lion of all times, Leo, the MGM Lion.  


That sucker was through roaring when I got through with him.  Just one shot is all it took, as he was being walked to an MGM sound stage.  Now, Leo was a good-looking animal, and I had him mounted.  When I get to the White House, Leo will be in the Oval Office."

"I'll bet that  Hillary wouldn't shoot a lion if it was about to bite her in the ass," he said. "Or the pussy."

Prisoners to Join Search For Escapees

Governor Cuomo

Dannemora  - Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced that trustee prisoners from the Clinton County penitentiary will join state and local police in searching for the escapees from that facility.  

"The use of trustee prisoners to aid in the search for Richard Matt and David Sweat makes sense", Cuomo said.  "The police and volunteers that have been tracking Mr. Matt and Mr. Sweat are now dog tired and could use a rest.  The trustee prisoners are rested, fit as a fiddle, and would enjoy a few days out in the fresh Adirondack air.  Also, they could certainly identify the escapees, with whom they have socialized for several years." The trustee prisoner searchers will be paid forty cents an hour and camp out in tents provided by the National Guard.  

Escapees Matt & Sweat

When asked by this reporter whether the prisoners who would be used in the search might not themselves run away, Governor Cuomo discounted that possibility.  "The warden has assured me that these men that will be utilized in the search are completely loyal and trustworthy.  That is why they are called 'trustees'".

Instead of prison garb, the new searchers will wear military-style camouflage outfits that will distinguish them from regular police officers. Distinguished arm patches are being designed which will feature the New York State seal in the center, and the words "Trustee Searcher" in a surrounding ring.  "Cool weather gear is being put out for bid, since the search is expected to continue into fall and possibly winter," a spokesman for the New York State Office of General Services said.

Caitlyn Jenner Gets $$$$$ For Endorsement

HOLLYWOOD - George Zygote, Caitlyn Jenner's business manager and agent today announced that Caitlyn had signed a 7 figure contract to endorse Monistat vaginal creme.  "Caitlyn is the hottest property for commercial endorsements," Zygote said.  "Caitlyn and Monistat will kick off an advertising blitz in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine, and Caitlyn will soon be seen in Monistat's TV commercials, probably riding a horse on a beach, sort of like the old Tampax commercials of a couple of decades ago."

In an interview with this reporter, Caitlyn said "When I was Bruce and my nuts itched, I could just scratch them.  That was perfectly acceptable for men and probably still is.  However, it would be crude for me to scratch my lady parts, and Monistat is a lifesaver for me. Kris told me that Monistat is the best remedy on the market.  God, I never knew what an itch was until my first yeast infection."

Back in Newtown, Connecticut, Harold Kardashian, the Newtown High School track coach, said that the school would consider renaming its Blue and Gold Stadium the "Caitlyn Jenner Stadium" if she makes a substantial donation to the school's athletic program.  The stadium had been named the Bruce Jenner Stadium for about 25 years, but it was renamed in 2002 when Jenner failed to help with requested fundraising for its renovation. "Bruce was a great athlete", Kardashian said, and an all-around great student.  In addition to football and track, I believe that he was in the band and played the skin flute."

Zygote said that he is exploring additional endorsement opportunities for Caitlyn, and might soon start marketing a perfume, "Caitlyn Smells", which will be sold at Macy's and Dick's Sporting Goods.

Dennis Rodman Appointed Nuclear Weapons Broker

Kim and Dennis discuss marketing strategy

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korean president Kim Jong-Un today announced that his government has appointed former basketball star Dennis Rodman as its official weapons broker. Rodman, who has made several visits to President Kim Jong-Un, his "dear friend for life", in the past couple of years, has formed Nuke, LLC, a limited liability company registered in Tehran, Iran.

"Nuke, LLC, will market North Korean technology to the technology and weapons starved middle eastern nations," said Rodman.  Although my company has only been in business for a couple of days, I have already been approached by the representative of a mid-eastern country which indicated its desire to purchase several nuclear weapons from North Korea.  I have been assured that the proposed purchases are for peaceful use only", said Rodman.  He declined, however, to identify the proposed purchaser or his compensation agreement with his dear friend for life.

"Unlike other African-American athletes who have formed record companies, invested in restaurants and bars, or just shacked up with white broads, I have formed an organization which will have a global impact and helps maintain the high employment of workers in the Asian part of the world."

[Note:  Mr. Rodman's statements were originally made in Ebonics, but have been translated for this report by Rev. Al Sharpton]

Dennis is "fucking it up"

United States Secretary of State John Kerry was clearly unhappy with the Jong-Un - Rodman deal.  "This could fuck up our negotiations that are designed to keep Israel safe until at least the end of the Obama administration", Kerry said.

Lady Feeds Dog Beneful Dog Food - Loses Best Friend

Tacoma - Georgiana Smuts -Link of the neighboring community of Hosego, reported that she had fed her dog, Boehner, a 4-year-old cocker spaniel, Beneful dog food for approximately seven months.  Yesterday, she lost her best friend.


Susan Quan, her best friend, was hit by a Walmart truck that was bringing Beneful dog food, among other things, to the Tacoma Walmart Store. Susan died at the scene.  "I really miss Susan, as she was my best friend", said Georgiana.  "I could always go to the pound and get another dog, but a friend like Susan is difficult to replace."

The Walton family members had no comment, other than to express their condolences to Georgiana and offer her two 25 pound bags of Beneful Prime.