Viagra App for Apple Watch

Saratoga Springs, NY - Viagra today announced that it has created

Viagra

an application for the Apple Watch which was unveiled in Cupertino, California, on September 9.  The Viagra App will be available on the iTunes shortly after IOS 8 is launched, and will be named "Frisky".   Frisky will be free to download, but its use requires the purchase and use of the Apple Watch and iPhone.   Frisky will reside on the Apple Watch wearer's iPhone.

Apple Watch

The Apple Watch has built in health monitoring capabilities, and many applications to check vital signs such as pulse, blood pressure, bladder capacity, as well as other health items, including dandruff, acne, and chlamydia.  (Although an application to detect Alzheimer's Disease was developed, it will not be available because Apple engineers believe that a wearer who in fact has Alzheimer's Disease would not understand the notification.)

Frisky works quite simply.  When the Apple Watch wearer swallows a Viagra pill and its active ingredient, sildenafil,  enters the blood stream, the iWatch sends a Bluetooth signal to the user's iPhone.  That signal immediately enables Location Services on the iPhone, and starts the iPhone clock timer.  In the event that the iWatch continues to show the presence of sildenafil in blood after 4 hours, the application presumes that the user still has an erection, and

iPhone Timer

immediately dials 911.  When the call is answered by the 911 call center, a recorded message gives the iPhone location and Siri says the following: "There is a man at this location who has an erection lasting more than 4 hours.  Please send medical help immediately."
(As an option, Siri will say, in Spanish, "Hay un hombre en este lugar que tiene una erección que dura más de 4 horas . Por favor enviar ayuda médica de inmediato.")

Frisky 2.0, due out in early Spring 2015, will also display calories used during sexual intercourse, and performance satisfaction on a 1 - 10 scale.

This medical advance in technology was made possible by the use of Apple's new HealthKit© development program.  It is rumored that Cialis is working on a similar program, but it will be limited to having Siri give self-help medical advice, such as telling the wearer to pack his penis in ice.  That app, still unnamed, has yet to be tested by both Apple and the FDA.

ISIS Flag Contract Awarded

Detroit, MI - The Betsy Ross Flag Co, Inc. of Detroit (NASDAQ: BRFC)  today announced that it had been awarded a contract to manufacture the ISIS (also known as ISIL) flag for that organization.  The initial order was for 10,000 flags of various sizes, but ISIS procurement agent Khalid Bin Ali El-Hoori told this reporter that he expects to place additional orders in the future as his organization grows in size, both in membership and geographical areas it controls. 

"We chose Betsy Ross because of its fine reputation for quality" El-Hoori said.  "The company is a member of The Flag Manufacturers

Association of America, and we have been assured that all of our flags will bear the Association's "Certified Made in the U.S.A." label.  The fact that the flags will be American made is consistent with the place of manufacture of most of our weapons, which we recently obtained in

El-Hoori

the former Iraq, now part of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant."

"Detroit is pleased to welcome Betsy Ross" said Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan.  "In order to fill its contract with ISIS, Betsy Ross will open a factory in a Detroit Empowerment Zone, which will give it several tax advantages.  Those tax advantages give Betsy Ross a cost of production advantage over its competitors, and I feel certain that other Jihadists will also seek to have Betsy Ross make their symbolic flags, and come to Detroit to buy Jeeps for their troops and Chrysler 200 sedans for their leaders."

Let's bomb the shit out of Detroit

Government officials in Washington were slow to react to the news.  While the Obama administration had no immediate comment, waiting to see the reaction of Jon Stewart and other late night pundits, some congressmen were quick to react.  

Rep. Paul Ryan said that he favors a tax break for Betsy Ross and all American corporations no matter what they produce or who they produce it for.

 Sen. John McCain said "I think  we should  bomb the shit out of Detroit."

Tim Cook Challenges Hackers

Tim Cook

Cupertino, CA - Apple CEO Tim Cook today reiterated his statement that the Apple iCloud was not the cause of hackers posting celebrity nude photos that they claimed that they downloaded from the iCloud.  Among the celebrities whose photos have been circulated on the web are Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst.  (It has been rumored that nude photos of Hillary Clinton were going to be circulated, but her press secretary, Hannah ("Sweetie Pie") Gorg, denied that Ms. Clinton had an iCloud account, and said that she and Bill store their intimate photos on Dropbox.

"Dong gone it" quipped Cook, "I am going to prove the security of iCloud once and for all by posting nude and intimate photos of me, my family, and even our pet donkey on the iCloud.  I mean even full nude frontal shots, although the donkey photo will be a side photograph of Dirk."

Dirk the Donkey

When reached for comment, Ms. Lawrence and Ms. Dunst said that in retrospect the photos have given them some great publicity that will invigorate their waning careers.  "I am going to order the iPhone 6" said Ms. Lawrence, but Ms. Kirsten said that she had switched to the Galaxy smart phone but hasn't yet learned how to operate it. 

In Moscow, Edward Snowden told a CNN interviewer that the photos were leaked by the NSA, which has a 23 person staff who just download nudes and pornography, mostly for their own entertainment.