Senator Mankin wins the Arnold Award

Receives "Arnold Award"

The Koch Industries Charitable Foundation today announced its 2021 Arnold Award to Senator Joseph Manchin (D-W.VA.).  “Joe has exhibited his love for the United States by his announcement that he will not support the left-wing Build Better Back legislation proposed by the failing Biden Administration,” said David Koch.  “Just like Benedict, Joe’s action was decisive and took the government by surprise.”  The Arnold award provides a commission as a Kentucky Colonel, to be awarded in a ceremony hosted by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), an annual salary of £360, and a one-time grant of £6,316.  Additionally, one of the Koch coal mines in West Virginia will be renamed the Machin Mine.

Manchin Mine in West Virginia

No masks, No microchipped vaccines

Cecil Roberts, president of the United Mine Workers, lauded the award, stating:   “The predicted failure of the Build Better Back legislation means that our minors’ hard-earned tax dollars won’t be wasted on forcing our youngsters to be shuttled off to school before they are ready, thereby reducing carbon emission from those extra school busses.   Also, our members won’t have to wear those damn masks or get microchipped under the guise of the so-called vaccine.”

Says: "Shit"

 

When asked for a comment, Senate Majority Leader Charles “Chuck”  Schumer (D-NY), shrugged his shoulders and said: “Shit.”

CUOMO TO CLAIM SELF DEFENSE

 

Will Claim Self Defense

ALBANY, NY – In an exclusive report leaked to this reporter by Samuel Exophilia, the Clerk of the Albany County City Court, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to enter a plea of not guilty to the Forcible Touching misdemeanor charge filed by the Albany County Sheriff when arraigned on January 7.  According to Mr. Exophilia, Cuomo reportedly consulted Michigan attorney Mark Richards, who successfully used self-defense to secure a not guilty verdict on Kyle Rittenhouse's murder charges.  Based on the advice received, Mr. Cuomo will claim that he was simply trying to disarm what he perceived as two pointed dangerous weapons concealed beneath a female employee's sweater. In support of his defense, he will offer examples of dangerous weapons used by other women who have assaulted men with concealed spear-like weapons. "Hell, it's worth a shot," said an unidentified passerby who overheard my conversation with the Court Clerk.

Dangerous Weapons

 

Following his arraignment, Mr. Cuomo is expected to give an exclusive interview to his still shell-shocked brother, former CNN star Chris Cuomo. After his kamikaze dive from stardom, the latter is now a contributing reporter for the Sand Lake Advertiser

Ocasio-Cortez Wants Webb Telescope Launch Delayed

Investigation Needed ?

WASHINGTON – The December 22 launch of the Ten Billion Dollar Webb Telescope may be delayed if Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has her way.  The Webb Telescope was named after James Webb, who led the National Space Agency from 1961 through 1968 and was instrumental in the development of space research. 

 

Wants Launch Delay

Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is concerned that Mr. Webb, who was born in Granville County, North Carolina, may have had some slave-holding ancestors and believe that before his name is forever attached to this telescope, a thorough investigation should be made of his background.  She has suggested that Congress delay the telescope’s launch and employ renowned scholar Lewis Henry Gates, Jr., the host of the popular PBS television series, Finding Your Roots, to have a complete familiar history of Mr. Gates to determine if he had any slave-holding ancestors.  Dr. Gates, Jr., said that a search should not take more than eight to ten months, and he could report his findings on a special edition of Finding Your Roots

 

Further, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez questioned whether a man of his generation, who held many important management positions and was a military officer, may have made inappropriate sexual advances to his subordinates during his long career.  She has requested that any such victims come forward through her Twitter, Tik-Tok,  and other social media.  

 

 Needed to Watch Russian Buildup

When questioned by this reporter, The White House responded that the Webb Telescope could provide greater intelligence on the Russian buildup on the Ukrainian border and that it is imperative that the launch not be delayed, other than for weather or other technical reasons.


 

Gov. DeSantis to Provide Eulogy

CLEARWATER - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced today that he will provide the eulogy for the funeral of Winter the Dolphin, who passed away November 11.  "I was heartbroken to learn of Winter's passing," DeSantis said.  "While I mourn his loss, I know that he supported my policies as he never wore a mask even when swimming among crowds of visitors.  In fact, following my mandate, not one member of a school of fish in Florida has been required to wear a mask."

Following Governor DeSantis's eulogy, Winter will be towed by a Florida Department of Environmental Protection tugboat to Honeymoon Island State Park, where it will be buried in a casket adorned with water lilies.

"Considering that this is Florida, it is comforting to know that Winter died a natural death," DeSantis said.