ARKANSAS COUPLE DIES AFTER EATING OYSTERS

Good with Lime Juice

PORT ORANGE, FL – An elderly couple visiting Florida died today after eating oysters. Wilston Hickey, age 86, and his wife, Peggy-Sue, age unknown, of Chlamydia, AK, had just finished eating a lunch of fresh oysters at a popular Port Orange restaurant when crossing U.S. Highway 1 on the way back to their travel trailer. Struck by a southbound 18-wheeler heading to Palm Beach to deliver a load of My Pillows, the crushed remains of the Hickeys tied up traffic on Highway 1 for a couple of hours. Florida State Police are investigating the accident but did not indicate whether any charges are pending against the truck driver. A spokesperson for The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife said that although they are sending condolences to the Hickey family, Florida oysters are generally safe to eat, and are especially good with lime juice or salsa sauce. Governor DeSantis, taking a five-minute break from his 2022 gubernatorial and 2024 presidential campaigns, said that his staff will attempt to confirm whether the truck driver was either a Democrat or gay.

Last thing the Hickeys Saw

NEW YORK CONVICTED CRIMINALS ARE NO LONGER PRISON INMATES

NY Gov. Kathy Hochul

ALBANY – New York Governor Kathy Hochul this week signed legislation changing the term for persons in prisons from “inmates” to “incarcerated individuals.”  The state corrections department estimated the cost to change the term on websites and other documents to be less than $500,000.  “The cost is cheap, considering the joy that the change of their status description will bring to the felons who have become guests of our great state,” said Governor Hochul.  “Many incarcerated individuals with whom I have communicated have told me that it makes them feel less sad as they sit in solitary confinement cells, which in the future will be referred to as “private retreats.”  Governor Hochul continued: “Especially pleased with the change of the reference are the female guests, who will now be referred to by the staff as  "menstruating incarcerated individuals," although many of them will probably just be called “incarcerated dyke individuals.”   

 Typical Menstrasting Incarcerated Individual

 

“This is just the first of many changes that we will see in the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Services,” said Commissioner Louis A. Molina.   “Jails, prisons, big houses, or whatever the fuck they have been called in the past, will soon be referred to as “State Lodging Facilities.”  Prison guards, or “screws” as they are affectionally referred to by incarcerated individuals, will become “Facility Associates” and their supervisor will be referred to as the “Facility Associates Concierge.”  

New sign to read: "Sing Sing State Lodging Facility

Asked by this reporter for his opinion as to the change, incarcerated individual #5877643 said: “Its ok by me whatever the motherfuckers want to call me, but I would be happier if they would get the bugs and rats out of our  State Lodging Facilities and give us some real food instead of the shit being served up to our brothers in the Lodging Facility Nutritional Lounge.”