Kimberly-Clark to Manufacture Face Masks

Washington DC: President Donald Trump today, under the authority of the Defense Production Act, today directed Kimberly Clark International of Neenah, Wisconsin, to manufacture 50,000,000 face masks. “Kimberly Clerk (sic) is a great American company,” Trump said during his regular late afternoon press conference, “I know their products well, as I use their ‘Cottenelle’ toilet tissue to wipe my ass.”

The president’s order will not affect the company’s ability to produce Cottonelle, which like other tissue products, is in short supply due to hoarding by affluent Americans who purchased large quantities at Costco, Sam’s Club, and supermarkets. Jordan G. Jordan, Kimberly Clark’s senior vice president in charge of production, said that the president’s directive would force the company to switch the manufacture of its Kotex sanitary pads to the production of the face masks. “We will simply add ear loops to our Maxi-Pads, and that should do the trick,” Jordan said. “When the Covid-19 crisis is over, many of our face mask customers will find other uses for any surplus masks.”

The president’s action resulted from a suggestion by Senior Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner, who came up with the idea while rummaging through Ivanka’s bathroom drawers.

Pre-Production Face Mask

NEW YORK – Shark Tank Members Join in Unusual Funding.  In an episode to be aired Sunday evening, April 26th, (ABC, 9:00 PM EDT – check local listing), the five regular cast members of Shark Tank fought each other to fund one of the most unusual start-up companies, Mothers’ Milk, LLC©.  Entrepreneur Wilston Hickey of Chlamydia, Arkansas, asked for $250,000 for a 10% stake in his venture.  His company, which employs approximately three hundred wet nurses that supply genuine mothers' milk to mothers throughout the United States.  

Suzzi Hickey

At first, appearing incredulous when hearing Hickey’s pitch, the entire cast soon realized that he was presenting an unusual investment opportunity.  Hickey explained that he started his business when his teenage daughter, Suzzi, was offered a job as a wet nurse by a local Republican congresswoman who didn’t have time to nurse her own baby.  Suzzi had stopped nursing her child, Washington Hickey after he started kindergarten, but the milk kept coming and the wet nurse job paid well.  Suzzie mentioned that many of her friends had excess milk, and some had sold some on Craigslist.  After putting an ad on Facebook, Hickey was swamped with offers to both sell and buy real mothers' milk.  He quickly realized that the sale of mothers' milk, properly marketed, could supplement his meager income as a roadkill chef in a local restaurant.

Suzzi passed out samples to the Sharks, but only Keven O’Leary tasted the sample and said that it compared very favorably for some mothers milk that he had drunk a couple of months prior to the taping of the show.  

Asked about the economics, Hickey said that he pays his “herd” $1.15 per pint, and sells it locally for $4.50 if picked up at his storefront “dairy”, but $15.00 online, including overnight UPS.  He is hoping to get into Whole Foods and possibly Krogers in the near future.  

While impressed with the margins, Robert Herjavec said it would not fit into his investment portfolio and declined, as did Mark Cuban who did not see a sports-related market for the product.

Daymond John showed an interest, particularly since many of her herd were probably minority women, considering that the company is based in Arkansas.  He declined to invest, however, saying that it would be a conflict with his investment in “Bovine Mama”, which offered a similar product in the mid-Atlantic states.

O’Leary declined to invest because he didn’t think it had licensing possibilities, but Shark Barbara Cocoran jumped in and made the investment, stating that it would fit in nicely with her other food product investments.

Musk's Boring Company Gets Mexican Contract

Mexico City - April 2, 2020.                                                                                                 Elon Musk announced that The Boring Company has received a contract to construct multiple tunnels at undisclosed locations in Mexico.  The Boring Company has completed one tunnel to convey automobiles and pedestrians in Las Vegas and is in the process of completing a second one.  The company is also negotiating with the city of Chicago for the construction of a tunnel from downtown to its nearby airport.  "This will be The Boring Company's first contract to construct tunnels in a foreign country and the first with a privately-owned customer," Musk announced at a joint press conference with El Mencho, the CEO of The Cartel Jalisco Nueva Generacion.

Boring Company Flamethrower

 Although details of the contract have not been announced, the contract will provide for the construction of the tunnels in northern Mexico. As a bonus for Musk, the contracting party is also expected to order several performance models of the Tesla Model X as well as the Cybertruck. "I bought mucho numbers of The Boring Company's flamethrower," said El Mencho, "and my company found many out-of-the-box uses for them." (Spanish to English translation supplied by Google Translate).