Kayne West and George Santos Open Restaurant Chain

Congressman Santos

ORLANDO:  Ye, formerly known as Kayne West, and Congressman George Santos (R-FL), today announced the creation of a new restaurant chain, to be known as “Ye Reptilian.”  The legal entity, Reptilian, LLC, was filed in Tallahassee on January 20, 2023. Financing was obtained from Alameda Research.

 

The restaurants, which will be in both cafes located in Hard Rock Casinos and fast food facilities along the Florida Turnpike, will feature Burmese python-based meals. “There are hundreds of thousands of Burmese pythons in the Everglades destroying our native wildlife,” Ye said, “but these huge snakes can be a source of edible protein.  Harvesting them is as simple as grabbing them as they cross the road, or accepting them from Florida’s python bounty hunters.  We will be doing the environment a great service while bringing our customers delicious food,” Ye mumbled.

Ye

 

Congressman Santos, who previously served as manager of Katz’s Delicatessen and as a 5-star Michelin-rated chef at the famed Lugar’s Restaurant in Manhattan, is designing the menu.  “I expect the initial standout offering will be blackened python filet with a slice of red onion on an egg bagel, which we will call the ‘Kardashian’,” said Santos.  “I can just imagine the sweet taste of biting into a Kardashian,” said Ye.  

Soon to be a Karshaian

 

Restaurant personnel will wear uniforms based on Ye’s clothing line, Yeezy, but with Burmese python sneakers and belts.  “We will be the Chick-fil-A of snake cuisine,” chorused Ye and Santos in unison.

EDITORIAL: SOLUTION TO AMERICA’S IMMIGRATION PROBLEM

Although my main focus as a news reporter is to simply report the news, I feel compelled to offer what, in my humble opinion, is the best solution to the immigration problem facing the United States: namely, where to resettle those Cuban, Mexican, Guatemalan, and other residents of what former president Donald Trump called “shithole countries” that are flooding our southern border.  

 

My solution:  simply relocate them to Puerto Rico!  That territory is part of the old US of A and would be more hospitable than New York City, Chicago, or Martha’s Vineyard (maybe not Martha’s Vineyard).  In any case, most of the immigrants are Spanish speaking, so they would have no language barrier in PR, and the climate is more like the warmth that they are used to.  Sure, PR has been devastated by hurricanes and other natural disasters, but those immigrants are used to living under these conditions.  Also, PR needs to resupply its population, since most native PRs have already “gotten out of Dodge” and moved to the continental United States.

 

Our Department of Homeland Security could also alleviate the border issues facing Arizona, Texas, and California by simply offering low-cost flights to PR  from neighboring Haiti, Cuba, and Central American countries, and rent cruise and container ships to bring those immigrants who have already crossed the border back to PR.  The Department could even house the refugees in used shipping containers, which are inexpensive and probably better suited to the recurring hurricanes than the tin roof houses in which many now reside.

 

I stand ready to present my proposal in detail to a joint session of Congress, who can contact me at Holbrook.Spitzer@gmail.com.  

 

FLORIDA ELECTION POLICE TO CLEAN BUTTS AND RED TIDE FISH

Florida Election Police in New Role

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that the Florida Election Police he created prior to the 2022 election will be used to clean beaches and waterways of fish killed by the annual red tide and pick up cigarette butts,

 

“Now that the election is over and our brave Election Police performed admirably, having charged twenty Floridians with voter fraud”, said DeSantis spokesperson Abe Goetz-Cortez, “the Governor has decided that the members of this $1.1 million dollar body will police Florida’s beautiful west coast beaches and clean them of cigarette butts and fish killed by the Red Tide.”

 

“The Florida Election Police did an admirable job, notwithstanding that all of the twenty fraud charges they filed were later dismissed by some liberal judges,” Goetz-Cortez said.  The office recently received a request to reexamine fraud in the 2020 presidential election, but the Governor

Election Police police cigarette butts

thought it more productive to have the Beach No Smoking Law enforced and our beaches cleaned for the rich tourists.  We plan to have the Red Tide fish packaged and sent to some sanctuary cities to help feed the immigrants that we have assisted in their move. Perhaps they will have a nice fish fry in Martha's Vineyard," he said with a wink.

Fish Fry?

IBERIAN AIRLINES CHANGES NAME TO SPANISH FLY AIRLINES

MADRID – The Iberian Airlines Company, Spain’s flagship carrier, today announced that it is changing its name to The Spanish Fly Airlines Company effective June 1, 2023, the start of the busy summer vacation period.

 

Renamed "Spanish Fly Airlines"

“Our research has shown that travelers from most western hemisphere nations, including The United States, Canada, and most tribal nations recognized by the Treaty of New Echota, do not know that Spain is located on the Iberian Peninsula,"  said Juan Schwarz-Guzman, Iberian Airlines’ vice president for marketing.  “Shit,” said Schwarz-Guzman, "with the education level in the United States, very few high school graduates, and many college graduates from third-tier colleges, including every single college in Florida, USA, think that ‘Iberia’ is some sort of woolly animal from Madagascar.  Most, however, are familiar with the term, ‘Spanish Fly’ and regard it favorably, particularly among male college students.”

 

The name change was announced in an advertisement in Conde Nast Traveller Magazine and will be shown on international television networks in ads prepared by the distinguished Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce advertising agency of New York

GOV. DeSantis RESOLVES TRANSGENDER ISSUE

 

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In response to the December 30 ruling by a Federal Appeals Court that reversed the St. John’s County School Board policy requiring that students use bathrooms that comply with their biological gender, Governor Ron DeSantis today issued an administrative order to resolve the issue.  “Today,” Governor DeSantis said, “ I am directing that all public schools have four bathroom facilities for student use.  Separate but equal!  There will be a ‘Boy’s' bathroom for Johnny, a ‘Girl’s’ bathroom for Kathy, a ‘Boy/Girl' bathroom for Ted-to-Joyce, and a 'Girl/Boy' bathroom for Joyce-to-Ted."  In order to provide funding for the construction of the additional two bathrooms in the thousands of public schools in Florida, Gov. DeSantis said that he would divert federal Covid relief money to fund the construction.  

 

The governor’s action was generally met with broad support.  “No longer will my son, Cassandra, feel embarrassed when choosing which bathroom to use when he needs to take a dump,” said Juanita Cohen, a Dade County mother.  Although supported by the Florida Plumbers and Steamfitters Union, AFL/CIO, the announcement brought harsh criticism from Mara-Largo and some other politicians.  “ Ron DeSacrimonious has gone woke and is not adhering to the Judo-Christian ideals that made this country great and safe for our kind of people,” said former president Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene in a joint statement. Ye could not be reached for comment.

 

Shortly following his announcement, Gov. DeSantis’s 2024 campaign committee noted that it had received “substantial” contributions from the toilet and sink manufacturers, Kohler and Eljer, as well as from That Time, an Amazon subsidiary that manufactures tampon dispensing devices installed in public restrooms.