Donald J. Trump's DNA Hacked

SANTA CRUZ - 23 and Me today announced that its laboratory reports have been hacked and leaked to Wikileaks.org.  Among the personal information obtained by the hackers, who are not linked to the Russian government or the Clinton campaign, are the DNA results of presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

According to the leaked reports, Mr. Trump's DNA shows that his DNA is linked as follows:  40 percent to Orangatang, 20 percent to Nazi, 30 percent to African-American, and 10 percent to Ashkenazi Jewish moneylenders.

Donald's Second Cousin Will Get Administration Job

Upset with DNA Results

23 and Me expressed its consternation that its laboratory results have been hacked.  Mr. Trump has asked that his friend, former U.S. Attorney and Mayor of NYC to "sniff out the bastard who did this.  I wouldn't put it past Lying Ted Cruz or Little Marco.  Jeb! has too low energy to have been responsible.

Reverse Mortgage Lender Ditches Henry Winkler As Spokesman

Mr. Winkler

CLEVELAND - One Reverse Mortgage Company, a subsidiary of Quicken Loans, today announced that it is dropping actor Henry Winkler, who starred as Fonzie on Happy Days, and currently stars in Better Late Than Never on NBC, as its television spokesman.  "This change was not done without a great deal of thought and research, since many of the old farts who sit on the advertising committee of the Quicken Board of Directors still have a warm spot in their hearts for Henry", said Heinrich Quick, the Board of Directors chairman.  "We just haven't had the results we were hoping for, as many of the old folks who were our prospective customers don't remember Henry's great performances in Happy Days, and most just sit around drooling or have Alzheimer's.

Mr. Thompson

Mr. Selleck

 Our first TV spokesman was Fred Thompson, a former Senator, and actor, but he did so poorly in his failed run for president that we ditched him.  Even our competitor, American Advisors Company, dropped Tom Selleck, star of Three Men and a Baby, its TV spokesman for the same reasons."
  

Professor Kaczynski

Mr. Quick went on to announce a new strategy for reverse mortgage advertising.  "A study conducted by the same organization used by Depend® Underwear‎  pads came to the conclusion that we would do better advertising with an endorsement of a mathematician since it is the younger generation who make the final decision on whether or not their aging parents should buy a reverse mortgage.  They want to see real numbers, not just look at some has-been actor or failed religious-nut failed politician.  After a nationwide search, we engaged a gentleman with a degree from Harvard and a Ph.D. in mathematics from the University of Michigan, where he had a National Science Foundation fellowship.  Mr.Kaczynski was a mathematics professor at the University of California, Berkeley.  For several years he has resided in Florence, Colorado, and he has assured us that he will develop a compelling case to persuade the older people to buy into our program. Unfortunately, his schedule does not permit him to record TV commercials, so in the future, we will resort to direct mail."

Transgender Bathroom Firestorm Rages On

Malibu, CA - This reporter consulted a Liberty University/WSJ  poll recently and found that the public is more interested in what bathrooms transgender individuals use than, for example, who is winning the Syrian civil war or who Jill Stein is. Being the reporter that I am, I jumped on the issue.  

Many states have passed laws that require that transgender persons use the bathroom based on their birth gender as shown on their birth certificates, some states permit transgenders to use the bathroom for the sex that they currently associate themselves with, and some states just don't give a crap. (Possibly a poor choice of words, in retrospect.)

Luckily, I was able to interview two of the most famous transgender persons to get their views on the issue.  First, I spoke to Chaz Bono, born Chastity Bono. Asked which public bathroom she-he uses, Chaz said that she uses a men's room, but always goes to the privacy of a stall with a door.  "I once tried peeing at a urinal, but lacking the necessary physical appendage, the urine just ran down my thighs. It stained my pants, and I got a lot of strange looks from some black guy at the next urinal."

Next, I happened to run into Caitlyn Jenner at a Rexall Drug Store, where he-she was shopping for condoms and sanitary pads.  "Caitlyn", I said, "where do you go to pee?"  With a deep-throated laugh, the he-she told me that she always uses a woman's room restroom when out in public, since everyone has the privacy of a stall.  "At home", he-she continued, "I am just like every other guy.  I pee standing up, except at night, when I sit down to pee.  In the privacy of my backyard at home, I just raise my dress, pull down my panties, and whip it out.  Its habit."