Auxiliary Air Marshal Program Created

WASHINGTON D.C. - The Department of Homeland Security today announced the creation of its Auxiliary Air Marshall program. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said that the heroic efforts first displayed by the passengers of United Airlines flight 93 on September 11, 2001, and most recently by passenger Jasper Schuringa on the Christmas Day Northwest Airlines flight 253 to Detroit in preventing terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab from detonating his underwear bomb, showed both the need and viability of encouraging airline passengers to become auxiliary air marshals. “We simply don’t have enough regular air marshals to send on the thousands of flights originating from our own airports, let alone those originating from other countries bound for the United States. The recent examples of courage and ability shown by the passengers on 9/11 and Christmas Day have convinced us that everyday passengers can provide us with a cadre of guards to protect the flying public. Best of all, it will be at little cost to the Department of Homeland Security, which can actually reduce the number of its staff of professional air marshals and channel the payroll savings into the purchase of full-body scanners and more attractive TSA uniforms.” 

Under the program guidelines, both males and females will be eligible to obtain Auxiliary Air Marshall (AAM) status after completing a short questionnaire available at: homeland.security.us.gov/AAM and submitting it with 2 passport sized photographs, a copy of a frequent flyers program card from any US-based air carrier, and a letter of recommendation from their clergyman. Those persons approved will receive an official AAM identification badge. 

While AAM participants will not initially be permitted to carry firearms, Secretary Napolitano did not rule out the future possibility. AAM participants will receive some perks, however. For example, Southwest Airlines will permit all AAMs to be in the A 1 -15 queue for departing flights, and American Airlines will offer AAMs two free alcoholic beverages, although some Department of Homeland Security officials have questioned whether alcohol will make AAMs less vigilant. Other air carriers are expected to offer similar perks to encourage AAMs to fly with them, including unlimited peanuts and the use of restrooms even when the fasten seat belt sign is lit. The Obama administration is expected to introduce legislation in Congress which will extend “good Samaritan” type immunity to AAMs who mistakenly attack passengers who they believe are terrorists, but turn out to be just good citizens who act somewhat strangely during the flights, such as females with PMS, autistic children, and adults with Tourette syndrome, who might, for example, make unexpected jerking movements or yell “nigger” at black flight attendants. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California) said that she expects the House to act quickly to pass such legislation, but Senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) is not too optimistic. “I have already been told that Senator Ben Nelson wants gold AAM badges to be issued to AAMs from Nebraska, and who knows what Joe Lieberman will do to fuck up this important program."

Supreme Court Nominee Dispells Rumors

In an effort to quell the rumor that she is gay, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan appears on a 60 Minutes segment to be aired Sunday, May 30 (See local CBS stations for time - it is usually delayed by sports events). In the segment, Ms. Kagan states that she is not now, nor has ever been homosexual (except for a brief episode in a teenage camp where she served as a junior counselor). In fact, Ms. Kagan noted, she usually mutes her TV when Ellen DeGeneres speaks on “American Idol”, and doesn’t even watch “the Bowersox lady” perform. (She uses the time to make her favorite comfort food, a Cross & Blackwell marmalade sandwich on Weight Watcher bread.) As further proof of her straight, traditional heterosexual orientation, she allowed herself to engage in foreplay with Steve Kroft, but her refusal to perform oral sex on Andy Rooney was not seen by the 60 Minutes reporter Lesley Stall as significant, who said: “Who would?” The Obama administration was pleased that Ms. Kagan chose this venue to assert her heterosexuality. “This should sure end all stories about Elena’s muff diving,” said press secretary Robert Gibbs.

Disillusioned Father Changes Daughter’s Name

LAKELAND - FL. Disillusioned by the accidents and necessary recalls of Toyota automobiles, Lakeland resident Pablo Eucharist filed a petition in the Circuit Court to legally change the name of his three-year-old daughter, Prius, to Molly. Eucharist and his wife, Georgiana, had taken advantage of an ongoing, but little-publicized program by Toyota North America which provided $3,000 to $5,000 in cashback to new car purchasers who gave newborn children the same name as the model car they purchased. “Financially, it made sense at the time, and the name Prius sounds quite nice,” Eucharist said, “but now there is a certain stigma that I don’t want my daughter to have when she grows up. I can just imagine all of the jokes by guys that ‘Prius just doesn’t stop’, and I won’t subject her to that.” Eucharist said that his other children, eleven-year-old daughter, Sequoia, and fourteen-year-old son, RAV4, like their names and told him that they don’t want them changed. Asked about the financial ramifications of changing her name to Molly, Eucharist said that his dealer is making an inquiry to Toyota to determine whether he must repay the $3,000 cashback he originally received.

Atrazine Linked to Gay Lifestyle

The National Academy of Sciences recently reported that Atrazine, a common pesticide, chemically castrates male frogs and in some instances changes them into completely functional females. The scientists who conducted the tests reported that 90 percent of the exposed male frogs were demasculinized, suffering from decreased testosterone, low fertility, and an inability to outcompete non-exposed males inbreeding. http://news.mongabay.com/2010/0301-hance_atrazine.html Interestingly, the other 10 percent of the exposed male frogs showed markedly increased heterosexual activity, frequently cheating on their mates. [Most frogs mate for life, frequently choosing a mate while both are polliwogs.]

Gay Frogs

Scientists at the University of Phoenix reported a parallel result in humans. Atrazine is universally used as the pesticide of choice at most golf courses, and as a result, golfers, especially professional golfers, are frequently exposed to large doses of the chemical. Observing the players at several of both public and private courses in the Phoenix, Arizona, area over a period of several years, the scientists found that many of the players exhibited increasingly effeminate traits, including dressing in clothing of colors usually worn by female players. Many have been seen openly hugging on the courses. A congressional hearing may be in the works. Congressman Barney Frank (DEM-Mass.) held a press conference at his Washington office today. Citing both the National Academy of Science and the University of Phoenix reports, Frank said that he would ask Speaker Pelosi to appoint a committee to study the problem, noting that many lawmakers and most lobbyists are golfers. “Although I personally never venture out on a golf course and the chemical would have no effect on me, I am concerned about the frogs, although most of the frogs I know are in Quebec.” Frank also mentioned that Senator Larry Craig had voiced concern about the issue before his retirement from the Senate. Frank also allowed that Tiger Woods “maybe a ten percenter.”

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES BOYCOTTED

LOS ANGELES. Southwest Airlines has been boycotted by the cast and crew of the popular NBC television show, Biggest Loser. "The contestants' boycott is a sign of solidarity with Kevin Smith, who was recently booted from a Southwest Airlines flight," said show host Alison Sweeney. The movement was reportedly spearheaded by the Gray Team, which proposed the boycott. Team member Koli complained, "It is hard enough being a Tongan-American, with all of the prejudice that my ethnicity engenders". "I would also hate to be singled out as an obese Tongan-American when I fly" Trainer Jillian Michaels expressed dissatisfaction with the boycott, saying that she thought that "these fat slobs should devote more time to losing weight rather than complaining about an airline that they never use". Her fellow trainer, Bob Harper, pointed out that whenever the cast travels, they have to go by the program's specially built Winnebago. "It's got helper springs and heavy-duty tires," he said. "If we wanted to fly them somewhere, we would need an Air Force cargo plane." Not to be outdone, the Brown Team has proposed a boycott of Jazz Airlines.

Cheney: Fight Domestic Terrorism with Predator Drones

NEW YORK: Former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney, appearing as a guest on the new Fox television show, “Oxycodone Hour”, today urged that the Obama administration use Predator drone aircraft to combat domestic terrorists. “With a few drones circling Detroit, those Muslim terrorist m*****f*****s would think twice about committing acts of domestic terrorism,” Cheney told Glenn Beck, who is filling in for host Rush Limbaugh. “Our military, the best and most respected in the world, created the Predator drone aircraft at the urging of the Cheney-Bush administration, and its value has been shown by the number of al Qaeda leaders killed by Hellfire missils fired from the drone aircraft”, Cheney said. “Even a couple of Predators flying lazy circles in the sky above the minarets in Detroit would make those bastards think twice about harming the U.S. of A”. “My daughter, Lynn, and I have been drafting a plan that we are going to send to the Kenyan.” During the show, Mr. Beck received a Tweet from CNN personality Lou Dobbs, who suggested that the administration should consider the use of Predator drones equipped with Hellfire missiles along the Mexican border to stop “the unending waves of illegal brown immigrants.” Vice President Cheney, who was also scheduled to be a guest on Larry King Live tonight, will instead appear at a later date to be announced. In his place, Mr. King planned a segment highlighting the attempt of Pocatello, Idaho resident, Albert Qaeda to change his name.