Foreign Aircraft Safety Switch

THE PENTAGON - It was revealed today that all aircraft sold by the United States to most foreign countries have an embedded secret "safety switch" that allows the Secretary of Defense to disable many of the features of jet fighters and certain other military aircraft previously sold to foreign countries since the Regan presidency.  Using hardware and software developed by General Motors under contract with the Central Intelligence Agency, the system was an outgrowth of GM's Onstar automobile technology. 
"Just as Onstar can disable an Onstar equipped automobile by sending a signal to the vehicle by satellite at the request of a law enforcement agency, the military version, known officially as 'Foreign Aircraft Disable System', (FADS), can disable certain features of American made military aircraft by sending a satellite signal to the airplanes", Army PFC Aaron D. Bookheiser, Secretary Panetta's Director of Top Secret Classified Information (DTSI) leaked to this reporter on condition of anonymity.
"The program was suggested to President Regan by Major Oliver North and some of the neocon advisers who were then working on the ill-fated Strategic Defense Initiative, commonly known as 'Star Wars.  In return for a promise that the federal government would indemnify and hold GM harmless for any damages resulting from the use of the system and would also bail out the company if needed during future recessions, General Motors assigned Booker T. Brownman, inventor of Onstar, to develop the military version," PFC Bookheiser said.    (Note:  Mr. Brownman was the first African American to graduate from the prestigious North Dakota Technical and Agricultural Institute, which he attended with a Pell Grant and studied engineering  and ROTC.)
Because of the sensitive, top-secret nature of the project, Mr. Brownman set up the engineering laboratory in a small but secure building in a business park in Lansing, Michigan, where, as a cover,  it claimed to be a distributor of love lubricants and adult toys.  The actual manufacturing of the electronics was done in a section of GM's Oldsmobile factory. The first version was a small circuit board that was installed in the aircraft's seat heater, and upon receiving a command would disable the weapons systems.  It was called the "88".  (Note:  Later versions, according to PFC Bookheiser, were dubbed the "Super 88", the "98", the "Cutlass" the "Tornado" and finally, the "Aurora".)  Following GM's closure of the Oldsmobile factory, manufacturing was done by GM's Israeli subsidiary,  להפיל מטוסים למטהבע"מ  
The current version of FADS offers the Secretary several options.  He can turn off the aircraft's weapons systems, slow the top speed of the aircraft to 142 mph, or even completely turn off the jet engines while the aircraft is in flight.  The "Aurora" version, which is installed in the pilot's headrest, also permits the Secretary to eject the pilot.
"Americans should feel secure in knowing that the airplanes that we sell to the Krauts,  the Yellows, and the Towelheads can't be used against us" said Bookheiser.  "With the push of a button, we can maintain air superiority in any future battle.  I know that  gives the Kenyan comfort when dealing in international matters."

FDA to Promote Benefits of Suicide

GARY, IN - The Funeral Directors of America (FDA) have announced an advertising campaign to be launched Thanksgiving Week to inform the public of the financial and social benefits of suicide.  Stressing that "we must all go sometime", the campaign which will appear in selected media where the trade group feels it will have the most impact.  The advertising campaign will be modified slightly depending upon its target audience.

"The FDA will stress the financial benefits to the wealthy elderly in print ads in The Wall Street Journal and The Financial Times, pointing out that the "death tax" relief granted by the Bush Tax Cuts will expire on December 31, 2012, substantially increasing the estate tax on persons dying January 1, 2013, and thereafter.  "It makes sound financial sense to terminate what frequently is a poor quality of life while saving your heirs potentially millions of dollars in unnecessary taxes", said W. W. von Gerber, the FDA public affairs officer.  "Think of your suicide as a Christmas gift to your family," von Gerber said.
The print ads in publications such as USA Today and the AARP Journal, aimed at the larger group of the less wealthy middle class, have a slightly different emphasis.  While mentioning the potential tax savings of a 2012 suicide, the ads also mention the benefits of timely death to minimize the effect of death on friends and family.  "We advise selecting a date that will permit a weekend service so that friends who want to attend will not lose time from work, particularly in these troubled economic times", said von Gerber.  "Also, you won't want to disrupt family vacation plans, such as a Christmas trip to Disney or Legoland.."
The advertising campaign has obtained the unqualified approval of The Hemlock Society, The National Cremation Society, and the NRA.
"There are great Black Friday deals offered by many of our members this year.  Look for coupons in Thursday's advertising flyers, and there will be specials on urns and cemetery markers on Amazon and eBay" von Gerber said in his announcement.

Foxconn Urges End to China's One Child Policy

LONHUA, CHINA. - Foxconn, the world's largest manufacturer of electronic devices, including the Apple iPhone, iPod, iPad, and iMac computers, has urged China's National Population and Family Planning Commission to end that country's one-child policy.  For decades, in an effort to control the population growth of this third-world country, the national government has mandated that every family have only one child, except in rural areas where two children have been permitted if the first child is a girl.  As a result, most Chinese women are forced to undergo annual abortions, since birth control methods are both generally unknown to the undereducated population, and a diet consisting mostly of rice, halavah,  and bamboo shoots make the Chinese men quite horny.

The issue of the one-child policy was first brought to the attention of Foxconn by Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, Inc.  Mr. Cook noted that the increasing popularity of Apple devices manufactured by Foxconn requires a constant supply of workers to assemble its products.  "Only young Chink workers have the nimble fingers necessary to assemble the smaller, products, such as the iPhone 5 and the soon to be released iPhone 5 Mini, which will have a 3.75-inch screen."  Mr. Cook continued: " How can Foxconn keep up its production with only one child replacing two adults, and many of its adult workers are now leaving its workforce by suicide or developing arthritis and carpel tunnel disease because of the tedious and repetitive assembly process.? "

Former Wall Street guru and convicted Ponzi scheme crook, Bernie Madoff, who blogs for the Huffington Post on financial matters from the Butner, North Carolina federal prison, noted that Foxconn has threatened to move much of its future assembly production to Brazil, where, he noted, "the workers fuck like little bunny rabbits, assuring a good supply of workers, and the government doesn't give a crap about working conditions."

Wang Feng, director of the Brookings-Tsinghua Center for Public Policy, stated that Foxconn has been a good corporate citizen and has been caring for its aging workforce.  "Recognizing that most Foxconn assembly line workers cannot continue to assemble products because of physical or mental fatigue by the age of seventeen, Foxconn is expanding its product line where its factory workers can transition to less demanding jobs, such as making chicken chewies for dogs for export to the United States and Europe, or dog chewies for domestic consumption.  "However", Mr. Feng noted, "Foxconn must develop its own distribution network since Tim Cook has been adamant that the chewies cannot be sold under the 'iChewy' name.