Supreme Court Nominee Dispells Rumors

In an effort to quell the rumor that she is gay, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan appears on a 60 Minutes segment to be aired Sunday, May 30 (See local CBS stations for time - it is usually delayed by sports events). In the segment, Ms. Kagan states that she is not now, nor has ever been homosexual (except for a brief episode in a teenage camp where she served as a junior counselor). In fact, Ms. Kagan noted, she usually mutes her TV when Ellen DeGeneres speaks on “American Idol”, and doesn’t even watch “the Bowersox lady” perform. (She uses the time to make her favorite comfort food, a Cross & Blackwell marmalade sandwich on Weight Watcher bread.) As further proof of her straight, traditional heterosexual orientation, she allowed herself to engage in foreplay with Steve Kroft, but her refusal to perform oral sex on Andy Rooney was not seen by the 60 Minutes reporter Lesley Stall as significant, who said: “Who would?” The Obama administration was pleased that Ms. Kagan chose this venue to assert her heterosexuality. “This should sure end all stories about Elena’s muff diving,” said press secretary Robert Gibbs.