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| Governor Cuomo |
Dannemora - Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced that trustee prisoners from the Clinton County penitentiary will join state and local police in searching for the escapees from that facility.
"The use of trustee prisoners to aid in the search for Richard Matt and David Sweat makes sense", Cuomo said. "The police and volunteers that have been tracking Mr. Matt and Mr. Sweat are now dog tired and could use a rest. The trustee prisoners are rested, fit as a fiddle, and would enjoy a few days out in the fresh Adirondack air. Also, they could certainly identify the escapees, with whom they have socialized for several years." The trustee prisoner searchers will be paid forty cents an hour and camp out in tents provided by the National Guard.
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Escapees Matt & Sweat
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When asked by this reporter whether the prisoners who would be used in the search might not themselves run away, Governor Cuomo discounted that possibility. "The warden has assured me that these men that will be utilized in the search are completely loyal and trustworthy. That is why they are called 'trustees'".
Instead of prison garb, the new searchers will wear military-style camouflage outfits that will distinguish them from regular police officers. Distinguished arm patches are being designed which will feature the New York State seal in the center, and the words "Trustee Searcher" in a surrounding ring. "Cool weather gear is being put out for bid, since the search is expected to continue into fall and possibly winter," a spokesman for the New York State Office of General Services said.
HOLLYWOOD - George Zygote, Caitlyn Jenner's business manager and agent today announced that Caitlyn had signed a 7 figure contract to endorse Monistat vaginal creme. "Caitlyn is the hottest property for commercial endorsements," Zygote said. "Caitlyn and Monistat will kick off an advertising blitz in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine, and Caitlyn will soon be seen in Monistat's TV commercials, probably riding a horse on a beach, sort of like the old Tampax commercials of a couple of decades ago."
In an interview with this reporter, Caitlyn said "When I was Bruce and my nuts itched, I could just scratch them. That was perfectly acceptable for men and probably still is. However, it would be crude for me to scratch my lady parts, and Monistat is a lifesaver for me. Kris told me that Monistat is the best remedy on the market. God, I never knew what an itch was until my first yeast infection."
Back in Newtown, Connecticut, Harold Kardashian, the Newtown High School track coach, said that the school would consider renaming its Blue and Gold Stadium the "Caitlyn Jenner Stadium" if she makes a substantial donation to the school's athletic program. The stadium had been named the Bruce Jenner Stadium for about 25 years, but it was renamed in 2002 when Jenner failed to help with requested fundraising for its renovation. "Bruce was a great athlete", Kardashian said, and an all-around great student. In addition to football and track, I believe that he was in the band and played the skin flute."
Zygote said that he is exploring additional endorsement opportunities for Caitlyn, and might soon start marketing a perfume, "Caitlyn Smells", which will be sold at Macy's and Dick's Sporting Goods.
