AARP Endorses Cialis for Erectile Dysfunction

Boston - AARP Second Vice President Joyce Smegma today announced that AARP has given its endorsement to Cialis® for the treatment of erectile dysfunction (ED). Ms. Smegma noted that many senior citizens never know when the time is going to be right, and Cialis® will help men "with a reluctant Johnson." Of course, AARP will receive an endorsement fee of an undisclosed amount from Lilly, as it does from The Hartford Insurance Company and United Healthcare for its endorsement of their products.

"While AARP endorses Cialis®, the endorsement should not be viewed as a guaranty that its use will make you feel like those happy older couples you see in the TV ads," Ms. Smegma stressed, "especially if our member's member is afflicted with Peyronie's disease."

Noting that many right-wing Republican AARP members will choose to stick with Viagra® because of their loyalty to former Senator Bob Dole (R-Kansas), Ms. Smegma felt that its endorsement of Cialis® was a good fit with its endorsement of the United Healthcare Medicare plans.

While some have criticized AARP's endorsement programs, Ms. Smegma said that the AARP Board felt that there is no conflict of interest in endorsing commercial products.

"AARP endorses only products and services of the highest caliber that are willing to pay handsomely for our endorsement. We aren't whoring ourselves generally", noting that the board of directors recently refused to endorse K-Y Jelly® as its intimate lubricant, and by an 8 to 7 vote turned down a big endorsement fee to name BP Petroleum as its favored offshore drilling provider.

New Twist to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" legislation

Washington DC - A high-ranking Pentagon official who asked not to be named because he is not authorized to speak on military matters today told this reporter that there is a whole new slant to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" issue. Although the repeal of this policy, established during the Clinton administration, has been tentatively approved by a vote of the House of Representatives and the Senate Armed Services Subcommittee, its enactment was made subject to the findings of the Pentagon Working Study Group, which is required to issue its findings on December 1, 2010.

My source told me that because of strong Republican opposition to the measure, the military members of the committee sought a compromise position that would give both sides of the controversy some satisfaction without embarrassing President Obama or Secretary of Defense Gates, who have both supported the repeal. 

The compromise position, suggested by Army PFC Abraham Gomez, is that the present policy stays in effect but that bisexuals be openly permitted to serve. All that would be required is proof that the service member proves that they "swing both ways," he suggested. "For instance, a lesbian Marine could continue to serve provided that she proved, by witnesses or affidavit of a superior officer, that she had had intercourse or oral sex with a male member," he said. "Likewise, any gay sailor could remain in service if he proved that he screwed some lady service personnel."

Congressional reaction was mixed but generally favorable. In a rare display of unanimity, both Rep. Barney Frank (D-Conn) and Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) thought that the recipient of the required heterosexual acts should not be confined to other service personnel but should be expanded to include elected representatives. 

"A blow job is a blow job," said Frank.

George Lincoln Klink, the spokesman for the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), also supported the measure. "Carried to its logical extension, our members who have sex with an equal number of geriatric men and pubescent boys should not be prosecuted as pedophiles - it will all work out with the average age of the sex partner."

Somalia Pirates To Offer Franchise Opportunities

Mogadishu - Somalia pirates spokesperson today announced that the Somalia Pirates organization has incorporated as a Delaware corporation, known as Somalia Pirates, Inc.. "It will be a 'C' corporation under the United States Internal Revenue Code, which we feel will ultimately make it eligible for listing under the NASDAQ, probably in a couple of years following an IPO now planned for November 2012." (Goldman Sacks is the reported underwriter, but this has not been confirmed as this article is published.)

"Our organization has established a proven business plan that has brought us millions of dollars with very little investment, and less loss of life than other multi-national corporations, such as BP", Mr. Yusuf Mohammed Siad Inda'ade of the Marka Group, said. At this time, our plate is full just operating off the coast of Africa, and we know that there are many other coasts just ripe for our type of business. For a franchise fee and a cut of the take, our franchisees will get two weeks of training, including a real attack on a foreign-flagged oil tanker, training manuals, and the opportunity to purchase boats, appropriate weaponry, communications equipment, and other necessaries at prices generally favorable with those offered by Amazon.com, but delivered more confidentially. We also offer group health and life insurance, some of which will be endorsed by AARP for U.S. franchisees and their employees who have attained the age of 50 years.

Not every coastal territory will be immediately available for franchise. For example, the territory that borders New York's coastal waters must await a review of the franchise agreement by the New York State Department of Law. Other areas, such as the Carolina coast, and the Sea of Japan are open for an immediate opportunity. A franchise offering will soon be published in the weekly franchise opportunities section of the Wall Street Journal.

We recognize that there is some start-up problems, and there will be some failures, but we are confident that the franchises will grow like MacDonald's after the bugs are worked out, " Mr. Inda'ade said. "Did Steve Jobs quit after the Lisa disaster?"

Reverend Terry Jones Takes on New Foe

Orlando, Florida

Reverend Terry Jones, the Florida minister who has gained worldwide attention because of his announced plan to burn 200 copies of The Koran at a field on Saturday, September 11, in observance of 9/11, has announced that based on the promise by Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf to move the location of his  Muslim mosque proposed to be near Ground Zero, he will cancel that demonstration and instead burn 200 copies of Dianetics, the "bible" of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

Since announcing the planned Dianetics burning,  Reverend Terry said that "I have heard positive support from Defense Secretary Gates, David Axelrod (advisor to The Kenyan),  God, Governor Blagojvewich, and the editor of Saint Petersburg Times.  God also warned me to stay out of Clearwater, and of course I will follow His advice."

                                                                               

When asked what he plans to do with the 200 copies of the Koran that will not be burned because of the canceled demonstration, Reverend Terry said that he will probably send them to a landfill.                                        

                                                                                                                          

                                                                                                                                   

Tropicana Field to be Renamed

SAINT PETERSBURG, FL

The Saint Petersburg City Council is accepting proposals for the renaming of Tropicana Field, home of the American League baseball team, the Tampa Bay Rays. The Tropicana Orange Juice company, which originally procured the naming rights to the domed stadium in downtown Saint Petersburg, notified the city that because of economic downturns and the fierce competition from Brazilian orange producers, it could no longer afford the naming rights.

According to Saint Petersburg mayor Rick Baker, the Tropicana contract ends February 30, 2011. As of the present time, the best financial proposal has been made by Kraft Foods, makers of K-Y Jelly Lubricant. Kraft Foods has offered $500,000 a year for 5 years, with an option to renew for an additional 5 year period. Tropicana Field would be renamed "K-Y Jelly Lubricant Field", and would probably just be referred to as "The K-Y", just as it is presently referred to as "The Trop". Asked for a comment, Rays principal owner Stuart Sternberg said "Whatever."

Financial considerations have long played a large part in the naming of sports venues, Mayor Baker said, pointing to the recent name change of the Ford Amphitheatre at the Florida State Fairgrounds in Tampa to the "1-800-Ask-Gary Amphitheatre" earlier this year.

It is a not-so-well-kept secret that should Raymond James Financial Corp. terminate its funding of the Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, home of the NFL Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team, Proctor and Gamble is ready to purchase the naming rights for Tampax Tampons and is not inconceivable that by the 2012 season the Bucs will be playing at "The Tamp".

Christine O'Donnell Seeks Ban on Electric Toothbrushes

WILMINGTON, DELAWARE
Republican Senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell today announced that if elected to the Senate, one of her first acts would be to propose a law banning electric toothbrushes. Citing her experiences at Fairleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey, which Ms. O'Donnell attended, but did not graduate, she said it disgusted her to see her sorority sisters regularly masturbate using electric toothbrushes.

"Just like witchcraft, I tried it once," said O'Donnell, "but frankly the Oral B Flossaction Head got tangled in my pubic hair and damn near ripped out half of my muff by the roots. It's dangerous and annoyingly loud. I remember walking into the TV room at my sorority and a dozen or so of my classmates were doing it while watching Clit Eastwood in 'The Bridges of Madison County. The noise was like locusts in a cornfield."

The Dean of Women at a prestigious woman's college near Poughkeepsie, New York, told this reporter that the use of electric toothbrushes for masturbation was commonplace. "In fact", she said, "our student website discusses the practice in the health and hygiene section. We recommended that our ladies use the Oral B Antibacterial Head, for health reasons, of course, but that they use a different style for brushing their teeth, so there won't be an unfortunate mix up."

In examining the practice, Mr. Fuller Dick, a deputy director for research at the FDA, noted that since the use of electric toothbrushes became commonplace among young women, the number of unwanted pregnancies in the 18 - 28 year age group has dropped significantly. "After all, no girl has ever gotten knocked up by a toothbrush", Mr. Dick said with an impish smile.

Heinrich Scheide, a product manager for Braun, the German manufacturer of Oral B brand toothbrushes, said that he was unaware of the practice, but noted that the sale of extra toothbrush heads had "gezoomt".

Philips Electronics N.V., the maker of Sonicare brand electric toothbrushes, refused to discuss its knowledge of the practice, but the records of the U.S. patent office disclosed that the company had filed a patent application for an "electric stimulator attachment" for the Sonicare toothbrush.

Young men generally dislike the practice. "I hate being unfavorably compared to a toothbrush," said Ralph Finger, a sophomore at UCLA.

MoveOn.org / Fox News Poll

TALLAHASSEE, FL - The annual MoveOn.org / Fox News poll, conducted less than one month before the 2010 elections, shows that the negative television commercials are not being well received by Florida voters. While most voters who are avid television watchers enjoyed the playful bantering of candidates leading up to the primary elections when the attack ads were more interesting than summer re-runs, the mood of television watchers in this state has changed, now that they have "Dancing with the Stars" or "Survivor - Nicaragua" interrupted by the candidates reminding the viewers that their opponents are crooks.

Echoing the sentiments expressed by many voters, Plant City resident Alex Scott, a self-employed radish farmer, told the pollster that he has no favorite pony in this year's races. "Shit", said Scott, I know that Rick Scott protected our Constitution by repeating the fifth part of it 75 times, but I would sooner find out if Tinactin will help me stop scratching my nuts." [Editor's Note: Alex Scott is not related to candidate Rick Scott, or so he says.]

Sam Glob of Okeechobee, Florida, was a voter who favored watching senatorial candidate commercials. Glob said that watching "the flip-flopper, the spic, and the darkie tear into one'nother is more fun than eating peanuts." Mr. Glob doesn't plan to vote in this year's election as a protest against Obamacare.

Boca Raton resident, Melonie Goldfarb, a post-menopausal retired beautician from Toledo, was among the undecided group of those polled. Admitting that she will vote for a straight Democratic ticket, she said that for a while she watched some feminine hygiene commercials instead. "Sanitary napkins never had wings in my days" she cackled. "Now I just TiVo pass them all when I watch Oprah or The View.

The MoveOn.org / Fox News poll has a margin of error of 7.25%, compounded annually.

BLAGOJEVICH TAKES LEAD IN FLORIDA ELECTION

ORLANDO, FL - The MoveOn.org / Fox News poll pre-election day exit poll shows that former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has taken a surprising lead as a write-in candidate in the Florida gubernatorial election. This latest poll, shows Blagojevich leading with 36% of voters, followed by billionaire Rick Scott and Alex Sink tied at 32% each.

Political analyst Harvey Bearishafertz attributed this surprising turn of events as a reaction to the negative ads that have bombarded Florida voters since primary day. "The electorate was convinced that both Scott, the Republican candidate, and Sink, the Democrat, were lying, thieving bastards", Bearishfertz said. "The voters are taking comfort in knowing that Blagojevich has never been convicted, or even charged, with defrauding Floridians. The voters know that he has been involved in some peskiness in Illinois, but all in all, he seems to be of better character than most Florida politicians." "And", said Bearishfertz, "he has already been a governor of one of these United States, so he should be ready to govern on day one."

It is not unusual for high-profile politicians to run as write-in candidates. In fact, Florida's present governor, Charles "Chucky" Chris, is running for the United States Senate as a write-in candidate after slinking out of the Republican Party this summer. "Just like a f_____g rat leaving the ship, said Marco Rubio, the Republican senatorial candidate."

Asked whether she was bothered that Blagojevich is not a Florida resident, Palm Beach resident Dorothy Suzy Winsor pointed out to this reporter that "Sink is from North Carolina, and Scott is from New York." "If you want a real Floridian to be governor, you should elect one of those Seminoles, that is, if you could tear them away from the Hard Rock Casinos."

Asked the same question of Mrs. Winsor's maid, Ms. Miranda Cortez answered: "Yo soy un inmigrante ilegal y no votan. No sé una mierda de la política."

Polls close at 6:00 P.M. in Florida.

Suicides Increase as Bush Tax Cuts Expire

SAINT PETERSBURG - FLA Health officials in Saint Petersburg, Florida, long known as "God's Waiting Room" because of its aging population of elderly, have noted a significant increase in suicides by the wealthy retirees who are taking advantage of the one time, 2010 estate tax moratorium, which expires December 31, 2010. Under the law, no estate tax will be due for those dying in 2010, but the tax reverts to the former rate of 55% on estates over $1,000,000 for those meeting their Lord on January 1, 2011, and thereafter.

"It's just a matter of dollars and cents and sense," said financial advisor Raymond J. Schwab. "If you are getting old and would rather leave your hard-earned or inherited fortune to your sons and daughters, even though they might piss it away, than to Uncle Sam, who is sure to piss it away, the choice is clear. From a financial point of view, there is the added benefit of year-end casket sales at many funeral homes."

Schwab cautioned his clients who were contemplating making the move to plan carefully. "Check your insurance policies to make sure that there is no suicide exclusion. If there is, make your suicide appear as an accident. Purchase instruction books from the Hemlock Society under an assumed name."

Pinellas County Public Health Nurse Harriet Jambalaya said that her department was braced for a substantial increase in questionable deaths at nursing homes, especially after family visits.

Although vigorously denied by the White House, Fox News pundit Glenn Beck suggested that heirs-in-waiting might want to avail themselves of the Death Panels created by Obamacare to insure that grandma's departure is well-timed.

TSA Ponders "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

WASHINGTON, DC - The White House has instructed the Transportation Security Agency to rethink its version of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy (DADT) in view of the hullabaloo surrounding the pat-down required by airline passengers who decline a full body scan.

Although not publicized, and not even known by most members of Congress, the TSA does not inquire about the sexual orientation of its agents who man the security line at all airports. In response to this reporter's question, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sheepishly admitted that a male agent who pats down the area around a traveler's junk "might be queer as a three dollar bill".

"I feel violated" moaned a tearful Hortense Roncalli, as she passed through the security line at Newark Airport before boarding a Jet Blue flight to Las Vegas, where she works as a showgirl."That lesbian bitch fondled me and then slipped me a piece of paper with her telephone number. Now I know how Cunegonde felt."

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said that her department's DADT policy was copied from the policy used by the military. "It didn't make a difference which way the agents swung when they were just checking sneakers or laptop computers", Napolitano said, "but now we are stuck with butches and girly guys who are represented by a union, and I can see that the policy will have to change." Unlike the new army, which doesn't give a shit what happens in a fox hole, and will let them queers serve openly, we can't afford to offend the prudes, or encourage the horny passengers."

"Between you and me", Napolitano said, "it's been a long time since someone grabbed my muff or girls, and I don't think it is such a big deal. Actually, it's sort of nice to have someone pay me a little attention."