TSA Ponders "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

WASHINGTON, DC - The White House has instructed the Transportation Security Agency to rethink its version of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy (DADT) in view of the hullabaloo surrounding the pat-down required by airline passengers who decline a full body scan.

Although not publicized, and not even known by most members of Congress, the TSA does not inquire about the sexual orientation of its agents who man the security line at all airports. In response to this reporter's question, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs sheepishly admitted that a male agent who pats down the area around a traveler's junk "might be queer as a three dollar bill".

"I feel violated" moaned a tearful Hortense Roncalli, as she passed through the security line at Newark Airport before boarding a Jet Blue flight to Las Vegas, where she works as a showgirl."That lesbian bitch fondled me and then slipped me a piece of paper with her telephone number. Now I know how Cunegonde felt."

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said that her department's DADT policy was copied from the policy used by the military. "It didn't make a difference which way the agents swung when they were just checking sneakers or laptop computers", Napolitano said, "but now we are stuck with butches and girly guys who are represented by a union, and I can see that the policy will have to change." Unlike the new army, which doesn't give a shit what happens in a fox hole, and will let them queers serve openly, we can't afford to offend the prudes, or encourage the horny passengers."

"Between you and me", Napolitano said, "it's been a long time since someone grabbed my muff or girls, and I don't think it is such a big deal. Actually, it's sort of nice to have someone pay me a little attention."