ARKANSAS COUPLE DIES AFTER EATING OYSTERS

Good with Lime Juice

PORT ORANGE, FL – An elderly couple visiting Florida died today after eating oysters. Wilston Hickey, age 86, and his wife, Peggy-Sue, age unknown, of Chlamydia, AK, had just finished eating a lunch of fresh oysters at a popular Port Orange restaurant when crossing U.S. Highway 1 on the way back to their travel trailer. Struck by a southbound 18-wheeler heading to Palm Beach to deliver a load of My Pillows, the crushed remains of the Hickeys tied up traffic on Highway 1 for a couple of hours. Florida State Police are investigating the accident but did not indicate whether any charges are pending against the truck driver. A spokesperson for The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife said that although they are sending condolences to the Hickey family, Florida oysters are generally safe to eat, and are especially good with lime juice or salsa sauce. Governor DeSantis, taking a five-minute break from his 2022 gubernatorial and 2024 presidential campaigns, said that his staff will attempt to confirm whether the truck driver was either a Democrat or gay.

Last thing the Hickeys Saw

NEW YORK CONVICTED CRIMINALS ARE NO LONGER PRISON INMATES

NY Gov. Kathy Hochul

ALBANY – New York Governor Kathy Hochul this week signed legislation changing the term for persons in prisons from “inmates” to “incarcerated individuals.”  The state corrections department estimated the cost to change the term on websites and other documents to be less than $500,000.  “The cost is cheap, considering the joy that the change of their status description will bring to the felons who have become guests of our great state,” said Governor Hochul.  “Many incarcerated individuals with whom I have communicated have told me that it makes them feel less sad as they sit in solitary confinement cells, which in the future will be referred to as “private retreats.”  Governor Hochul continued: “Especially pleased with the change of the reference are the female guests, who will now be referred to by the staff as  "menstruating incarcerated individuals," although many of them will probably just be called “incarcerated dyke individuals.”   

 Typical Menstrasting Incarcerated Individual

 

“This is just the first of many changes that we will see in the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Services,” said Commissioner Louis A. Molina.   “Jails, prisons, big houses, or whatever the fuck they have been called in the past, will soon be referred to as “State Lodging Facilities.”  Prison guards, or “screws” as they are affectionally referred to by incarcerated individuals, will become “Facility Associates” and their supervisor will be referred to as the “Facility Associates Concierge.”  

New sign to read: "Sing Sing State Lodging Facility

Asked by this reporter for his opinion as to the change, incarcerated individual #5877643 said: “Its ok by me whatever the motherfuckers want to call me, but I would be happier if they would get the bugs and rats out of our  State Lodging Facilities and give us some real food instead of the shit being served up to our brothers in the Lodging Facility Nutritional Lounge.” 

SHARK TANK FEATURES PANTIES FOR ORAL SEX

HOLLYWOOD – May 13, 2022 - Today, following yesterday’s New York Times article that announced that the FDA had approved panties for oral sex, Melonie Cristol, the owner of the Lorals brand of the approved panties, demonstrated its use during the filming of a Shark Tank episode. Both Barbara Corcoran and Lori Grenier volunteered for the demonstration, while the male members of the cast watched intensely. Ms. Cristol asked for $500,000 for a two percent interest in her company which had no reported sales but is expected to be featured on Amazon starting on June 15, the date that the Shark Tank will air on ABC. Kevin O’Leary, known as Mr. Wonderful, offered the $500,000 for just a $2.00 per panty royalty in perpetuity, saying that he could promote it along with all of his wedding products, but that offer was rejected by Ms. Cristol who said that she wanted an equity partner. Although Mark Cuban and Damon John were interested, they bowed out of the bidding, recognizing that the sharks who would be the best partners for Ms. Cristol were Barbara and Lori, and suggested that in addition to the vanilla flavoring, she should consider Bar-B-Que for the southern markets and salsa flavoring for the California and Arizona markets. Surprisingly, none of the sharks were troubled by the lack of sales or profit projections, Lori beat out Barbara because she said that she would promote it heavily on QVC, offering demonstrations in the late-night editions of the show, and also market it in Bed Bath and Beyond, as well as in Whole Foods and her on-line website, Dildos-R-Us. Shark Robert Herjavec complimented Ms. Cristol but said he was out because she was a great entrepreneur and didn’t need a partner. Barbara said she didn’t think it was investable for her, but she would be a customer.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/12/health/fda-underwear-sti.html

New K95 Depends Provide Extra Covid Protection

New N95 Depends(c)

 NEENAH, WI – Kimberly-Clark© today announced the production of its new K19 Depends Mask. Developed with grants from the National Health Center, Johnson & Johnson© and the Harris for Election 2024 Committee, this product was the result of his reports to the CDC and the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis, that the Covid 19 Omicron Virus could be spread not only from nasal passages but “ from any bodily orifice.” 

 

Beware of Knock-Offs

First reported by Fox News, Dr. Anthony Fauci, President Biden’s health advisor,  explained: “The virus is throughout the body of a contaminated person, and nasal masks only capture the virus from one source.  My research has found that the virus is also spread by flatulence, known by some as ‘farts’.  While some of the virus is contained by wearing pants, that is no more effective than a simple cloth mask.  To combat
this, I have been sprinkling powdered carbon in my underpants.  That helps, but what was truly needed was underwear with N95 protection, and this product will do the trick.”  

 

The K95 Depends will initially become available in CVS, Walgreens, and Hobby Lobby.  “Beware of Chink knock-offs,” Fauci cautioned.