Trump To Commence Implantation of Immigration Policy

EL PASSO - This reporter today learned of Donald Trump's plan to implement his immigration policy even before taking office as president in 2017.  Infamous hacker Edward Snowden first learned of The Donald's plan by reading his email, easy to do because Trump relies on AOL mail sent on an IBM PC running Windows Vista.

According to the information gathered by Mr. Snowden, and sent exclusively to this reporter because of our long friendship, Mr. Trump plans to induce Mexicans to return to their homeland by a unique operation.

Mr. Trump's real estate empire has purchased large tracks of land just south of the Rio Grande and constructed tent cities.

Trump Tent City - Juarez, Mexico

Trump's plan is to campaign in Texas and Arizona cities near the Mexican border.  While there, he will offer to take Mexican children for a ride in his helicopter. 

Trump's Helicopter Taking Off With Mexican Children

Once aboard, the children will be transported across the border and dropped off at a Trump Tent City.  Upon the helicopter's return, the frantic parents will willingly go back to Mexico to be reunited with their children.  Mr. Trump has arranged for the parents to get complimentary Greyhound bus tickets back to Mexico, thus freeing his helicopter to give more Mexican children rides.

Mexican Children Volunteering for a Helicopter Ride

"Once I am President and Commander in Chief," Trump e-mailed his campaign staff, "we will fly all of the undocumented Latinos back to Mexico using military airplanes, where they can rob and rape to their heart's content."  Mr. Trump said that he has been assured by Texas Governor Perry that the Texas Air National Guard will be ready to assist.  "Obviously that douche bag Perry forgot that he won't be the governor of Texas in January 2017, Trump said.

AARP Endorses ISIL

ISIL Flag

AARP Flag

DETROIT  - The Michigan affiliate of AARP today announced that it has accepted a request to give the ISIL (sometimes known as ISIS) its endorsement.  “While AARP does not usually endorse, or even accept advertisements of a political nature” said Rufus Booker T. Nixon, the executive director of AARP, “we have decided to make this exception on a trial basis.”

Mr. Nixon pointed out that the AARP has always prostituted itself out by selling its endorsement to almost any company or group that will pay its fee, including such corporate giants as United Health Care, Hartford Insurance, and The Hemlock Society. 

“The younger population of Detroit, in particular, has shown great interest and some support for ISIL, but we feel that our older members may not be sure that it is socially acceptable to support this new, emerging state.  The AARP endorsement will certainly put them at ease, especially since they will know that it is not Al-Qaeda.”

Mr. al-Baghdadi

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) told this reporter “the AARP endorsement will give our new nation the acceptance of many Americans, and will help the AARP in its drive to recruit new AARP members in the mid-east.”  “Shit” * said al-Baghdadi, we steal enough oil in Syria and Iraq in ten minutes to pay for the endorsement.”

 “In accordance with the AARP endorsement, our organization has agreed to publish articles in forthcoming AARP journals explaining the wisdom of Sharia Law, and that it does not require the immediate killing of Christians and Jews,” said Nixon.  “I am assured that ISIL respects the concept of due process of law for some.”

While most Republican presidential hopefuls were awaiting talking points on the subject from their financial backers, Donald Trump said that he did not have a problem with the AARP endorsement.  “They are not raping our women, stealing American jobs, or bleeding from their eyes and wherever,” said Trump.

Candidate Trump

 * Translated from Farsi by Google Translate ©