Hurricane Idalia To Hit Florida

TAMPA, FL- With the imminent approach of Hurricane Idalia, both state and local government agencies are providing up-to-date information, issuing evacuation warnings and mandates, and giving news reporters something to fill the 24-hour news broadcasters some relief from the Ukraine war and the Trump and associates indictments.

 

Hurricane will not affect Iowa

“My main concern with this hurricane,” Governor DeSantis said, “is that the transgenders, who, incidentally, are mostly undocumented immigrants, Communists, or Democrats, will use the restrooms in shelters without regard to their birth gender.  I have instructed law enforcement officials to be on the lookout and make appropriate arrests.  There has been some talk about flooding, beach erosion, and widespread property damage, but right now that is not a big concern in Iowa or New Hampshire.”

 

Local officials in the Tampa Bay area are concerned with the ecological and social effects of the hurricane. Grocery stores are empty of some basic supplies, such as toilet tissue, bread, beer, and comfort foods. Pharmacies report that they have been sold out of contraceptives and they are expecting a deluge of prescription medicines as many believe that the hurricane will bring outbreaks of malaria, Spanish flu, acne, and chlamydia.  The Hillsborough County sheriff also warned those residents who do not evacuate to beware of alligators that seek shelter in low-rise apartment buildings in downtown Tampa and to be sure to check the hallways before venturing out.

Seeks Higher Ground 

CALIFORNIA ADOPTS HOMELESS RELOCATION PROGRAM

SACRAMENTO, CA – California Governor Gavin Newsome today announced the California Homeless Relocation Program, which is similar to the Florida Alien Transportation Program, under which Florida Governor Ron DeSantis chartered airplanes to transport undocumented immigrants to California and other “sanctuary cities.”  

 

“We discovered that the flights charted by Florida were returning empty after disembark
ing its passengers in California.  My administration has been able to contract with these charter airlines to return to Florida with our homeless people who seek Florida sunshine, lower cost of living, and the opportunity to spread their gene pool, ” Newsome said.  “Many of the homeless whom we have scheduled for the first flights will land in Tallahassee and Palm Beach.  Although most have been unemployed or are unemployable, several have told me that they appreciate that Florida does not have a state income tax.”

Waiting to Board Flight to Florida

 

When asked for a comment on the California program, Governor DeSantis something that was unintelligible except for the words: Disney, abortion, and Trump.

 

Taking a cue from the new California program, the mayors of New York City, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Denver are considering a similar program to transport their homeless and parolees back to Texas in the buses that Texas Governor Greg Abbott has used to send immigrants to those sanctuary cities.

DeSantis Directs Medical College Study Changes

Consulted Experts

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Gov. Ron DeSantis today directed the administrators of state-supported medical colleges to modify their curriculum to avoid teaching medical students about sexual anatomy.  “First they will start showing female students male genitalia, and showing the male students those ‘down under bushy’ parts of women, and the next thing you know they will be trying to figure out how to switch those parts,” DeSantis complained.  “I have no objection if the male medical students are taught how to care for the male body, or if female students are taught how to care for the female body, with the exception of the reproduction system, whose care should be left to God,” DeSantis said, clarifying his position.  

 

“I did not make this decision lightly,” DeSantis said.  He first consulted with the faculty of the Liberty University School of Osteopathic Medicine, and read the extensive medical articles of a nationally known physician, Dr. Larry Nassar.

 

After learning of the latest DeSantis educational directive, the deans of the state’s medical colleges requested an urgent meeting with the governor to voice their concerns, but DeSantis was unavailable, having left Florida for the Iowa State Fair, to be followed by a brief campaign swing through New York’s Fire Island where his team expects him to be greeted by large crowds.

Nationally Known Dr. Nassar