Florida to Amend its "Stand Your Ground Law"

Gov. Rick Scott 

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida Governor Rick Scott today announced that he will sign into law an amendment to Florida’s “stand your ground” law that was proposed by the Florida Association of Retired Cops and endorsed by the National Rifle Association.  “It is clear to me, and I assume that it will be clear to our legislature, that as presently enacted, and has has been demonstrated by a recent event,  the stated grounds for using deadly force is not as encompassing as needed for the protection of our retired first responders and other residents of the Sunshine State.  While Florida prides itself as being at the forefront of those states who abide by the letter and spirit of the Second Amendment, I and my chums in the legislature will clarify, protect, and expand our constitutional right.  The public demands that we do so.”

The statutory amendment was drafted by George W. Smoot, III, Esq., counsel to the NRA, and will be introduced by bi-partisan Republican legislators on March 4, 2014, the opening of the 2014 legislative session.  Quick passage is expected.

The proposed amendment is set forth below:

CHAPTER 2014-16

Senate Bill No. 251

An act relating to use of deadly force, presumption of fear of death or great bodily  harm, amending s. 776.013, F.S.  providing clarification of the appropriateness of the use of deadly force; providing a retroactive effective date.

Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:

Section 1.  Subsection (1) of  section 776.013, Florida Statutes, entitled “Justifiable Use of Force” is amended to read:

(1)  A person is presumed to have held a reasonable fear of imminent peril of death, great bodily harm, or irritation to himself or herself or another when using defense force that is intended or likely to cause death, great bodily harm, or irritation to another if:

(a) The person against whom the defensive force was used was in the process of unlawfully and forcefully entering, or had unlawfully and forcibly entered, a dwelling, residence, movie theater, or occupied vehicle of if that person had removed or was attempting to remove another against the person’s will from the dwelling, residence, movie theater, or occupied vehicle; and

(b) The person who uses defensive force knew or had reason to believe that an unlawful, forcible entry, or unlawful, forcible, or irritating act was occurring or had occurred.

Section 2.        This act shall take effective retroactively to January 1, 2014.

                       

George Zimmerman comments on Movie Theatre Shooting

George Zimmerman

EAST VALRICO, FL -  George Zimmerman gave this reporter an exclusive interview regarding the 

Captain Reeves

the reported shooting of an unarmed theatre patron and his wife at the Cobb Grove 16 Theater in Wesley Chapel, Florida.  As reported in both the local and national press, retired Tampa police captain Curtis Reeves shot his .357 magnum through Ms. Oulson's hand and into the chest of Chad Oulson, killing him.  Captain Reeves was arrested and is currently in jail awaiting indictment on homicide charges.

Bye-D-Weed Mobile Home Park

We met at Mr. Zimmerman's single wide mobile home at the Bye-D-Weed Mobile Home Park.

Me:  George, have you read or heard about this shooting that took place in the Cobb Grove 16 Theater in neighboring Wesley Chapel?

George:  Sure I have.  Do you think I live in a cave?

Ms. and the Late Mr. Oulson

Me:  No, of course not, George. It's obvious that you live in this shitbox of a mobile home.  I would like to know whether you think that Captain  Reeves was justified in shooting Mr. and Mrs. Chad Oulson because Chad had been texting and reportedly threw a bag of popcorn at the victim?  Do you see similarities between this shooting and your killing of the Martin boy?

George:  Whoa!  The cases are entirely different.  First of all, Mr. Oulson was armed with just popcorn, and the Martin thug had Twizzlers, which are much more dangerous.  Also, let's face it, Mr. Oulson was a white guy and wasn't even wearing a hoodie, so the Captain shouldn't have been afraid for his life.  The "stand your ground defense" isn't worth shit here.  

Me:  Is there anything else you would like to say, George?

George:  Yeah, why don't you fucking newsmen leave me alone?

Me:  Thank you, George.

New Direction for St. Petersburg Pier

Winter Gets a Stand In

Winter, the Dolphin

CLEARWATER, FLORIDA - The Clearwater Marine Aquarium, home of Winter, the bottle-nose dolphin that it rescued after its tail was horribly mutilated by a motorboat, today announced that it is preparing a stand-in actor for Winter.  Winter became famous after a prosthetic tail was developed by Hanger Prognostics and Orthotics and fitted to the dolphin at the aquarium's clinic.  Such interest developed in this unusual story, that Hollywood descended upon this west Florida community, home to Scientology, and filmed Winter's tale (and her tail).  The movie, Winter's Tale, became a hit earning millions of dollars in its worldwide distribution.  Moreover, it brought thousands of tourists to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, many of whom enjoyed a day of watching Winter swim and Scientologists parade about town.  In fact, Winter's appeal made the Aquarium such a money machine, that it announced that it was building a new $160,000 facility with the financial support of the Clearwater municipal government and the moral support of the late L. Ron Hubbard.

One of several Lassies

The backers of the project got a dose of reality, however, when the Aquarium's oldest dolphin, Panama, died this past September.  "Winter can't live forever", Dr. Mike Walsh, the Aquarium's veterinarian said.  Knowing that Winter's demise would create quite a damper on the Aquarium's finances since throngs of people would not come to the Aquarium if Winter was not there, the management decided to get another dolphin to stand in and even eventually succeed Winter.  The problem was making the new dolphin look authentic.  "Hell, there was more than one Lassie," said Clearwater councilman and Aquarium Board of Overseers member John John Footz, "and there can be more than one Winter."

Cleary before Procedure

Marine Surgical Saw

Soon thereafter a crew captured a young, healthy female bottle-nose dolphin, which they named "Cleary".  A marine surgical team brought in from the Kansas Medical School and Fishery amputated Cleary's tail and outfitted her with a duplicate of the one used by Winter.  "No one outside of the staff and a few of us in government will know the difference," said Footz, "particularly if you don't publish this interview.  To most folk, they can't tell the difference between one dolphin and another, sort of like Bucs linemen out of uniform."
 

Cleary smiles happily

Cleary seems happy in her new role, although Dr. Walsh suspects that the prosthetic tail itches her somewhat, and her sex life may not be as good as might otherwise be expected.  

Asked for a comment, PETA's communication director said "We are Pissed, with a capital 'P'."