New Twist to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" legislation

Washington DC - A high-ranking Pentagon official who asked not to be named because he is not authorized to speak on military matters today told this reporter that there is a whole new slant to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" issue. Although the repeal of this policy, established during the Clinton administration, has been tentatively approved by a vote of the House of Representatives and the Senate Armed Services Subcommittee, its enactment was made subject to the findings of the Pentagon Working Study Group, which is required to issue its findings on December 1, 2010.

My source told me that because of strong Republican opposition to the measure, the military members of the committee sought a compromise position that would give both sides of the controversy some satisfaction without embarrassing President Obama or Secretary of Defense Gates, who have both supported the repeal. 

The compromise position, suggested by Army PFC Abraham Gomez, is that the present policy stays in effect but that bisexuals be openly permitted to serve. All that would be required is proof that the service member proves that they "swing both ways," he suggested. "For instance, a lesbian Marine could continue to serve provided that she proved, by witnesses or affidavit of a superior officer, that she had had intercourse or oral sex with a male member," he said. "Likewise, any gay sailor could remain in service if he proved that he screwed some lady service personnel."

Congressional reaction was mixed but generally favorable. In a rare display of unanimity, both Rep. Barney Frank (D-Conn) and Michele Bachmann (R-Minn) thought that the recipient of the required heterosexual acts should not be confined to other service personnel but should be expanded to include elected representatives. 

"A blow job is a blow job," said Frank.

George Lincoln Klink, the spokesman for the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), also supported the measure. "Carried to its logical extension, our members who have sex with an equal number of geriatric men and pubescent boys should not be prosecuted as pedophiles - it will all work out with the average age of the sex partner."