Christine O'Donnell Seeks Ban on Electric Toothbrushes

WILMINGTON, DELAWARE
Republican Senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell today announced that if elected to the Senate, one of her first acts would be to propose a law banning electric toothbrushes. Citing her experiences at Fairleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey, which Ms. O'Donnell attended, but did not graduate, she said it disgusted her to see her sorority sisters regularly masturbate using electric toothbrushes.

"Just like witchcraft, I tried it once," said O'Donnell, "but frankly the Oral B Flossaction Head got tangled in my pubic hair and damn near ripped out half of my muff by the roots. It's dangerous and annoyingly loud. I remember walking into the TV room at my sorority and a dozen or so of my classmates were doing it while watching Clit Eastwood in 'The Bridges of Madison County. The noise was like locusts in a cornfield."

The Dean of Women at a prestigious woman's college near Poughkeepsie, New York, told this reporter that the use of electric toothbrushes for masturbation was commonplace. "In fact", she said, "our student website discusses the practice in the health and hygiene section. We recommended that our ladies use the Oral B Antibacterial Head, for health reasons, of course, but that they use a different style for brushing their teeth, so there won't be an unfortunate mix up."

In examining the practice, Mr. Fuller Dick, a deputy director for research at the FDA, noted that since the use of electric toothbrushes became commonplace among young women, the number of unwanted pregnancies in the 18 - 28 year age group has dropped significantly. "After all, no girl has ever gotten knocked up by a toothbrush", Mr. Dick said with an impish smile.

Heinrich Scheide, a product manager for Braun, the German manufacturer of Oral B brand toothbrushes, said that he was unaware of the practice, but noted that the sale of extra toothbrush heads had "gezoomt".

Philips Electronics N.V., the maker of Sonicare brand electric toothbrushes, refused to discuss its knowledge of the practice, but the records of the U.S. patent office disclosed that the company had filed a patent application for an "electric stimulator attachment" for the Sonicare toothbrush.

Young men generally dislike the practice. "I hate being unfavorably compared to a toothbrush," said Ralph Finger, a sophomore at UCLA.