Reverse Mortgage Lender Ditches Henry Winkler As Spokesman
 |
| Mr. Winkler |
CLEVELAND - One Reverse Mortgage Company, a subsidiary of Quicken Loans, today announced that it is dropping actor Henry Winkler, who starred as Fonzie on Happy Days, and currently stars in Better Late Than Never on NBC, as its television spokesman. "This change was not done without a great deal of thought and research, since many of the old farts who sit on the advertising committee of the Quicken Board of Directors still have a warm spot in their hearts for Henry", said Heinrich Quick, the Board of Directors chairman. "We just haven't had the results we were hoping for, as many of the old folks who were our prospective customers don't remember Henry's great performances in Happy Days, and most just sit around drooling or have Alzheimer's.
 |
| Mr. Thompson |
 |
| Mr. Selleck |
Our first TV spokesman was Fred Thompson, a former Senator, and actor, but he did so poorly in his failed run for president that we ditched him. Even our competitor, American Advisors Company, dropped Tom Selleck, star of Three Men and a Baby, its TV spokesman for the same reasons."
 |
| Professor Kaczynski |
Mr. Quick went on to announce a new strategy for reverse mortgage advertising. "A study conducted by the same organization used by Depend® Underwear pads came to the conclusion that we would do better advertising with an endorsement of a mathematician since it is the younger generation who make the final decision on whether or not their aging parents should buy a reverse mortgage. They want to see real numbers, not just look at some has-been actor or failed religious-nut failed politician. After a nationwide search, we engaged a gentleman with a degree from Harvard and a Ph.D. in mathematics from the University of Michigan, where he had a National Science Foundation fellowship. Mr.Kaczynski was a mathematics professor at the University of California, Berkeley. For several years he has resided in Florence, Colorado, and he has assured us that he will develop a compelling case to persuade the older people to buy into our program. Unfortunately, his schedule does not permit him to record TV commercials, so in the future, we will resort to direct mail."
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHolbrook, you’ve done it again!
ReplyDeleteCombining attention-grabbing notoriety and cautionary subliminal messaging, Ted is the perfect spokesperson to sign-up unsuspecting Seniors in droves!
Then, later on, whenever a dissatisfied Senior complains that they weren’t warned about the downside of these ‘last ditch options’ to be employed only when one simply cannot make ends meet, Quicken Loans can simply refer them to the warning label ‘hidden in plain sight’ within the company’s choice of a spokesperson.
On top of that, with so much time on his hands, Ted can surely help prepare and sign those stacks and stacks of inevitable foreclosure notification letters, a sample of which is available below:
“I’m so very sorry to hear about your husband passing away. As you should have known, a reverse mortgage is not free money and as Quicken Loans’ spokesman, I’m about to drop a bomb on you! Unfortunately, only people 62 or older qualify to remain in their homes. We show that as Dave Dingleschnauser’s spouse, you are only aged 61. We have begun foreclosure proceedings and you’ll have to move within 45-days or be subject to legal action. Look at the bright side, there are more than 70,000 seniors in danger of losing their homes - just like you! If you’ve ever seen The Golden Girls on TV (and let’s face it, what Geezer hasn’t?) then perhaps you and four or five friends can shack up together down there in Florida. Good Luck! Signed, Ted”