CUOMO TO CLAIM SELF DEFENSE

 

Will Claim Self Defense

ALBANY, NY – In an exclusive report leaked to this reporter by Samuel Exophilia, the Clerk of the Albany County City Court, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to enter a plea of not guilty to the Forcible Touching misdemeanor charge filed by the Albany County Sheriff when arraigned on January 7.  According to Mr. Exophilia, Cuomo reportedly consulted Michigan attorney Mark Richards, who successfully used self-defense to secure a not guilty verdict on Kyle Rittenhouse's murder charges.  Based on the advice received, Mr. Cuomo will claim that he was simply trying to disarm what he perceived as two pointed dangerous weapons concealed beneath a female employee's sweater. In support of his defense, he will offer examples of dangerous weapons used by other women who have assaulted men with concealed spear-like weapons. "Hell, it's worth a shot," said an unidentified passerby who overheard my conversation with the Court Clerk.

Dangerous Weapons

 

Following his arraignment, Mr. Cuomo is expected to give an exclusive interview to his still shell-shocked brother, former CNN star Chris Cuomo. After his kamikaze dive from stardom, the latter is now a contributing reporter for the Sand Lake Advertiser