President Biden to Endorse Prevagen

Prevagen Spokesperson

 WASHINGTON, DC:  In a joint announcement today, President Joseph Biden and Prevagen's vice president for marketing, Henry Molaison, announced that starting January 21, President Biden will become the spokesperson for Prevagen, the memory enhancement supplement.  "President Joe is the ideal spokesperson for Previgen," Mr. Molaison said, "He has consumed it in quantity since he was elected the 46th president, and he credits our product with his maintaining an astute memory and cognitive function, which Americans have witnessed daily on the news."

Biden's Memory Enhancer

"It made me the great leader I have been for decades, and it will, in the future, let me remember how the Democratic Party fucked me in this last election cycle."

Preigen's main ingredient is jellyfish, which also helps President Biden maintain a strong backbone despite his advanced age.

The exact terms of the contract have yet to be publicly disclosed.

Celebrity Remains Attract Collectors

WYNANTSKILL, NY - After reading that Beverly Hills tech investor Anthony Jabin purchased a crypt next to that of Marilyn Monroe and Hugh Hefner for close to $200,000 and her bathing suit for $88,900, a local investor told this reporter that she has contacted Julien's Auctions to offer one of Clark Gable's pubic hairs at their next celebrity auction. (a nonagenarian, she asked that her name not be used to protect her identity in this small community) 

"Years ago," Sylvia said, "I simply wrote to famous people and asked them for a sample of their pubic hair. To my surprise, the black hair arrived in an envelope a short time later.  I sent letters to other celebrities and famous men and women, and although many never responded, I have quite a collection now, which I will either sell or bequeath to my nephew."  

Contacted by this reporter to gauge his interest in purchasing a sample of the Gable pubic hair, tech investor Jabin declined, saying "As a straight guy, I would much rather spend my fortune on some pussy fuzz from Lauren Bacall or a teen-aged Shirley Temple."

New Shampoo from P & G

CINCINNATI, OH – Proctor & Gamble Corporation today announced its newest shampoo. P & G (NYSE: PG), an industry leader in anti-itch products, noted famously for its Head and Shoulders shampoo, said that its new companion product, Groin, Pitts, & Pussy. “Like regular Head and Shoulders for the head, we learned that our customers needed a product to control itch on other, more private hairy parts of their body. Our chemists modified Head and Shoulders by substituting tree oil in place of Pyrithione Zinc (ZPT) and added a new and now proprietary ingredient that we purchased from a pharmacist in London who developed this remarkable drug while treating Piccadilly Circus street whores,” said Peter Gamble, the grandson of Horatio Proctor and Suzi Gamble, founders of the company, who is now Vice President of Itch Marketing. “Look for it soon on drug store shelves, near deodorant, feminine hygiene products, and rubbers,” Gamble said.

Hurricane Idalia To Hit Florida

TAMPA, FL- With the imminent approach of Hurricane Idalia, both state and local government agencies are providing up-to-date information, issuing evacuation warnings and mandates, and giving news reporters something to fill the 24-hour news broadcasters some relief from the Ukraine war and the Trump and associates indictments.

 

Hurricane will not affect Iowa

“My main concern with this hurricane,” Governor DeSantis said, “is that the transgenders, who, incidentally, are mostly undocumented immigrants, Communists, or Democrats, will use the restrooms in shelters without regard to their birth gender.  I have instructed law enforcement officials to be on the lookout and make appropriate arrests.  There has been some talk about flooding, beach erosion, and widespread property damage, but right now that is not a big concern in Iowa or New Hampshire.”

 

Local officials in the Tampa Bay area are concerned with the ecological and social effects of the hurricane. Grocery stores are empty of some basic supplies, such as toilet tissue, bread, beer, and comfort foods. Pharmacies report that they have been sold out of contraceptives and they are expecting a deluge of prescription medicines as many believe that the hurricane will bring outbreaks of malaria, Spanish flu, acne, and chlamydia.  The Hillsborough County sheriff also warned those residents who do not evacuate to beware of alligators that seek shelter in low-rise apartment buildings in downtown Tampa and to be sure to check the hallways before venturing out.

Seeks Higher Ground 

CALIFORNIA ADOPTS HOMELESS RELOCATION PROGRAM

SACRAMENTO, CA – California Governor Gavin Newsome today announced the California Homeless Relocation Program, which is similar to the Florida Alien Transportation Program, under which Florida Governor Ron DeSantis chartered airplanes to transport undocumented immigrants to California and other “sanctuary cities.”  

 

“We discovered that the flights charted by Florida were returning empty after disembark
ing its passengers in California.  My administration has been able to contract with these charter airlines to return to Florida with our homeless people who seek Florida sunshine, lower cost of living, and the opportunity to spread their gene pool, ” Newsome said.  “Many of the homeless whom we have scheduled for the first flights will land in Tallahassee and Palm Beach.  Although most have been unemployed or are unemployable, several have told me that they appreciate that Florida does not have a state income tax.”

Waiting to Board Flight to Florida

 

When asked for a comment on the California program, Governor DeSantis something that was unintelligible except for the words: Disney, abortion, and Trump.

 

Taking a cue from the new California program, the mayors of New York City, Philadelphia, Chicago, and Denver are considering a similar program to transport their homeless and parolees back to Texas in the buses that Texas Governor Greg Abbott has used to send immigrants to those sanctuary cities.

DeSantis Directs Medical College Study Changes

Consulted Experts

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Gov. Ron DeSantis today directed the administrators of state-supported medical colleges to modify their curriculum to avoid teaching medical students about sexual anatomy.  “First they will start showing female students male genitalia, and showing the male students those ‘down under bushy’ parts of women, and the next thing you know they will be trying to figure out how to switch those parts,” DeSantis complained.  “I have no objection if the male medical students are taught how to care for the male body, or if female students are taught how to care for the female body, with the exception of the reproduction system, whose care should be left to God,” DeSantis said, clarifying his position.  

 

“I did not make this decision lightly,” DeSantis said.  He first consulted with the faculty of the Liberty University School of Osteopathic Medicine, and read the extensive medical articles of a nationally known physician, Dr. Larry Nassar.

 

After learning of the latest DeSantis educational directive, the deans of the state’s medical colleges requested an urgent meeting with the governor to voice their concerns, but DeSantis was unavailable, having left Florida for the Iowa State Fair, to be followed by a brief campaign swing through New York’s Fire Island where his team expects him to be greeted by large crowds.

Nationally Known Dr. Nassar

Was Ron a "Nancy Boy?"

DUNEDIN, FL:  Writing in the July issue of Psychology Today Magazine, nationally recognized psychiatrist Suti Neti, MD, Ph.D., the professor of Meaningfulness at Florida’s New College, said that she believes that Governor Ron DeSantis’s disdain for the LGBTQ+ community is rooted in the taunts that he suffered while a student at Dunedin High School, where he was called a “Nancy Boy” by many of his classmates and faculty members.  

Nancy Boy?

 

Zak Booker-Macron

“I don’t remember his being called that name,” said DeSantis’s high school classmate, Zak Booker-Macron (who, incidentally, bears a strike resemblance to young Donald Trump), “but I know that most of the guys thought that he was light in the loafers.”

 

The DeSantis presidential campaign had no comments

DeSantis to Cure Florida's Labor Shortage

No Labor Shortage After New Legislation

Tallahassee, FL.  Florida Governor was beseeched with complaints by Florida farmers, hospitality industries, and construction companies who said that the new legislation that took effect July 1 was creating a labor shortage that was threatening the state’s economy and might drive many businesses into bankruptcy.  The new law that DeSantis had designed and ballyhooed through the legislature, was designed to prevent undocumented immigrants from working in Florida and provided severe penalties to workers and employers alike.  “Who's going to pick the oranges, who going to pick the strawberries, who is going to clean the toilets, and who is going to mow the lawns?” asked Jose Lopez-Schwartz, an editorial editor of The Brevard Times. 

Who Will Pick?

Who Will Pick?

Who Will Clean?

“I find it interesting that most of the persons affected are of Hispanic heritage,” Lopez-Schwartz continued since most of the other workers in those fields are either native-born Blacks or Rednecks.”  Other media outlets voiced similar concerns and criticism of the DeSantis sponsored legislation.

 

“I always anticipated the effect of this legislation and had sponsored a solution to handle the labor shortage,” DeSantis said at a hastily called press conference, “but some gay, woke, gender transitioning Democrats torpedoed the companion legislation.  Lesbians also.”   [At this point in his press conference, DeSantis was interrupted by his youngest son, the one with long hair, who asked: “Daddy, I have to go pee-pee.  Can I use the Girl’s bathroom like they do at Disney?”  DeSantis’s wife, Cassie, pulled him away by the ear, and DeSantis then continued.]

 

“Under the ‘Florida Documented Immigrant Law,’  undocumented immigrants who have no felony convictions, can pay an annual fee of $100 and receive a badge and certificate that labels them as a ‘Florida Documented Immigrant’ that will permit the holder to continue to work in businesses and industries that pay minimum wage or less.  They will be required to wear the badge or a jalapeno-shaped red patch on their clothing to properly identify them.  Those persons who do not comply must leave the state and pay a $200 exit tax, at which time they will receive a bus ticket to a sanctuary city and a bottle of Zephyrhills water.” 

 

The legislation will be reintroduced at a special session of the Florida Legislature, at a date and time to which will be announced in the newsletter of Never Back Down, a Super PAC created to support the governor’s presidential ambitions.

Gov. DeSantis Lost Spelling Bee

 

Dunedin, FL:  According to records of the Dunedin High School, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, now a GOP Candidate for President, was a 1995 graduate. An accomplished student, he was runner-up in the Senior Class Spelling Bee competition. After rising to the finals by successfully spelling "fellatio," he lost to classmate Donald Wanker when he misspelled "freedom" as "freadom," later explaining "I wasn't sure of the meaning of the word, so I just took my best guess."

JEWISH SPACE LASERS TO GUARD AGAINST CHINESE BALLOONS

Mr. Rothschild tests a laser 

Pay with shekels?

WASHINGTON DC. Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Georgia 14^th District) suggested that the Department of Defense contract with Rothschilds Weaponry, LLC, to shoot down Chinese balloons that spy on the United States.  “Rothschilds have the most sophisticated space lasers yet developed, as they proved in 2021 when they tested them by causing massive wildfires in California,” she said.  “I wouldn’t be surprised if they wanted to be paid in shekels,” she ranted, but I hope that Secretary Austin can jew them down on the price.  After all, we let them live here.”

GOVENOR DESANTIS BANS PETER RABBIT BOOK

Protecting our young 

Banned by Ron

TALLAHASSEE, FL:  Governor Ron DeSantis today ordered all Florida elementary schools to immediately remove the classic children’s book, The Tale of Peter Rabbit” from school libraries and classrooms.  “While this book was considered appropriate for our youngest students, it has come to the attention of my education advisors that the latest illustrated edition of the book contains a photograph of Peter Rabbit fornicating.”  Holding up an open copy of the now outlawed book, DeSantis continued, “What is even more disturbing is that it is unclear whether the fuckee is even an underage female rabbit, or possibly a queer male of  that species.” 

Peter doing the Dirty

Kayne West and George Santos Open Restaurant Chain

Congressman Santos

ORLANDO:  Ye, formerly known as Kayne West, and Congressman George Santos (R-FL), today announced the creation of a new restaurant chain, to be known as “Ye Reptilian.”  The legal entity, Reptilian, LLC, was filed in Tallahassee on January 20, 2023. Financing was obtained from Alameda Research.

 

The restaurants, which will be in both cafes located in Hard Rock Casinos and fast food facilities along the Florida Turnpike, will feature Burmese python-based meals. “There are hundreds of thousands of Burmese pythons in the Everglades destroying our native wildlife,” Ye said, “but these huge snakes can be a source of edible protein.  Harvesting them is as simple as grabbing them as they cross the road, or accepting them from Florida’s python bounty hunters.  We will be doing the environment a great service while bringing our customers delicious food,” Ye mumbled.

Ye

 

Congressman Santos, who previously served as manager of Katz’s Delicatessen and as a 5-star Michelin-rated chef at the famed Lugar’s Restaurant in Manhattan, is designing the menu.  “I expect the initial standout offering will be blackened python filet with a slice of red onion on an egg bagel, which we will call the ‘Kardashian’,” said Santos.  “I can just imagine the sweet taste of biting into a Kardashian,” said Ye.  

Soon to be a Karshaian

 

Restaurant personnel will wear uniforms based on Ye’s clothing line, Yeezy, but with Burmese python sneakers and belts.  “We will be the Chick-fil-A of snake cuisine,” chorused Ye and Santos in unison.

EDITORIAL: SOLUTION TO AMERICA’S IMMIGRATION PROBLEM

Although my main focus as a news reporter is to simply report the news, I feel compelled to offer what, in my humble opinion, is the best solution to the immigration problem facing the United States: namely, where to resettle those Cuban, Mexican, Guatemalan, and other residents of what former president Donald Trump called “shithole countries” that are flooding our southern border.  

 

My solution:  simply relocate them to Puerto Rico!  That territory is part of the old US of A and would be more hospitable than New York City, Chicago, or Martha’s Vineyard (maybe not Martha’s Vineyard).  In any case, most of the immigrants are Spanish speaking, so they would have no language barrier in PR, and the climate is more like the warmth that they are used to.  Sure, PR has been devastated by hurricanes and other natural disasters, but those immigrants are used to living under these conditions.  Also, PR needs to resupply its population, since most native PRs have already “gotten out of Dodge” and moved to the continental United States.

 

Our Department of Homeland Security could also alleviate the border issues facing Arizona, Texas, and California by simply offering low-cost flights to PR  from neighboring Haiti, Cuba, and Central American countries, and rent cruise and container ships to bring those immigrants who have already crossed the border back to PR.  The Department could even house the refugees in used shipping containers, which are inexpensive and probably better suited to the recurring hurricanes than the tin roof houses in which many now reside.

 

I stand ready to present my proposal in detail to a joint session of Congress, who can contact me at Holbrook.Spitzer@gmail.com.  

 

FLORIDA ELECTION POLICE TO CLEAN BUTTS AND RED TIDE FISH

Florida Election Police in New Role

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that the Florida Election Police he created prior to the 2022 election will be used to clean beaches and waterways of fish killed by the annual red tide and pick up cigarette butts,

 

“Now that the election is over and our brave Election Police performed admirably, having charged twenty Floridians with voter fraud”, said DeSantis spokesperson Abe Goetz-Cortez, “the Governor has decided that the members of this $1.1 million dollar body will police Florida’s beautiful west coast beaches and clean them of cigarette butts and fish killed by the Red Tide.”

 

“The Florida Election Police did an admirable job, notwithstanding that all of the twenty fraud charges they filed were later dismissed by some liberal judges,” Goetz-Cortez said.  The office recently received a request to reexamine fraud in the 2020 presidential election, but the Governor

Election Police police cigarette butts

thought it more productive to have the Beach No Smoking Law enforced and our beaches cleaned for the rich tourists.  We plan to have the Red Tide fish packaged and sent to some sanctuary cities to help feed the immigrants that we have assisted in their move. Perhaps they will have a nice fish fry in Martha's Vineyard," he said with a wink.

Fish Fry?

IBERIAN AIRLINES CHANGES NAME TO SPANISH FLY AIRLINES

MADRID – The Iberian Airlines Company, Spain’s flagship carrier, today announced that it is changing its name to The Spanish Fly Airlines Company effective June 1, 2023, the start of the busy summer vacation period.

 

Renamed "Spanish Fly Airlines"

“Our research has shown that travelers from most western hemisphere nations, including The United States, Canada, and most tribal nations recognized by the Treaty of New Echota, do not know that Spain is located on the Iberian Peninsula,"  said Juan Schwarz-Guzman, Iberian Airlines’ vice president for marketing.  “Shit,” said Schwarz-Guzman, "with the education level in the United States, very few high school graduates, and many college graduates from third-tier colleges, including every single college in Florida, USA, think that ‘Iberia’ is some sort of woolly animal from Madagascar.  Most, however, are familiar with the term, ‘Spanish Fly’ and regard it favorably, particularly among male college students.”

 

The name change was announced in an advertisement in Conde Nast Traveller Magazine and will be shown on international television networks in ads prepared by the distinguished Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce advertising agency of New York

GOV. DeSantis RESOLVES TRANSGENDER ISSUE

 

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In response to the December 30 ruling by a Federal Appeals Court that reversed the St. John’s County School Board policy requiring that students use bathrooms that comply with their biological gender, Governor Ron DeSantis today issued an administrative order to resolve the issue.  “Today,” Governor DeSantis said, “ I am directing that all public schools have four bathroom facilities for student use.  Separate but equal!  There will be a ‘Boy’s' bathroom for Johnny, a ‘Girl’s’ bathroom for Kathy, a ‘Boy/Girl' bathroom for Ted-to-Joyce, and a 'Girl/Boy' bathroom for Joyce-to-Ted."  In order to provide funding for the construction of the additional two bathrooms in the thousands of public schools in Florida, Gov. DeSantis said that he would divert federal Covid relief money to fund the construction.  

 

The governor’s action was generally met with broad support.  “No longer will my son, Cassandra, feel embarrassed when choosing which bathroom to use when he needs to take a dump,” said Juanita Cohen, a Dade County mother.  Although supported by the Florida Plumbers and Steamfitters Union, AFL/CIO, the announcement brought harsh criticism from Mara-Largo and some other politicians.  “ Ron DeSacrimonious has gone woke and is not adhering to the Judo-Christian ideals that made this country great and safe for our kind of people,” said former president Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene in a joint statement. Ye could not be reached for comment.

 

Shortly following his announcement, Gov. DeSantis’s 2024 campaign committee noted that it had received “substantial” contributions from the toilet and sink manufacturers, Kohler and Eljer, as well as from That Time, an Amazon subsidiary that manufactures tampon dispensing devices installed in public restrooms.  

ARKANSAS COUPLE DIES AFTER EATING OYSTERS

Good with Lime Juice

PORT ORANGE, FL – An elderly couple visiting Florida died today after eating oysters. Wilston Hickey, age 86, and his wife, Peggy-Sue, age unknown, of Chlamydia, AK, had just finished eating a lunch of fresh oysters at a popular Port Orange restaurant when crossing U.S. Highway 1 on the way back to their travel trailer. Struck by a southbound 18-wheeler heading to Palm Beach to deliver a load of My Pillows, the crushed remains of the Hickeys tied up traffic on Highway 1 for a couple of hours. Florida State Police are investigating the accident but did not indicate whether any charges are pending against the truck driver. A spokesperson for The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife said that although they are sending condolences to the Hickey family, Florida oysters are generally safe to eat, and are especially good with lime juice or salsa sauce. Governor DeSantis, taking a five-minute break from his 2022 gubernatorial and 2024 presidential campaigns, said that his staff will attempt to confirm whether the truck driver was either a Democrat or gay.

Last thing the Hickeys Saw

NEW YORK CONVICTED CRIMINALS ARE NO LONGER PRISON INMATES

NY Gov. Kathy Hochul

ALBANY – New York Governor Kathy Hochul this week signed legislation changing the term for persons in prisons from “inmates” to “incarcerated individuals.”  The state corrections department estimated the cost to change the term on websites and other documents to be less than $500,000.  “The cost is cheap, considering the joy that the change of their status description will bring to the felons who have become guests of our great state,” said Governor Hochul.  “Many incarcerated individuals with whom I have communicated have told me that it makes them feel less sad as they sit in solitary confinement cells, which in the future will be referred to as “private retreats.”  Governor Hochul continued: “Especially pleased with the change of the reference are the female guests, who will now be referred to by the staff as  "menstruating incarcerated individuals," although many of them will probably just be called “incarcerated dyke individuals.”   

 Typical Menstrasting Incarcerated Individual

 

“This is just the first of many changes that we will see in the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Services,” said Commissioner Louis A. Molina.   “Jails, prisons, big houses, or whatever the fuck they have been called in the past, will soon be referred to as “State Lodging Facilities.”  Prison guards, or “screws” as they are affectionally referred to by incarcerated individuals, will become “Facility Associates” and their supervisor will be referred to as the “Facility Associates Concierge.”  

New sign to read: "Sing Sing State Lodging Facility

Asked by this reporter for his opinion as to the change, incarcerated individual #5877643 said: “Its ok by me whatever the motherfuckers want to call me, but I would be happier if they would get the bugs and rats out of our  State Lodging Facilities and give us some real food instead of the shit being served up to our brothers in the Lodging Facility Nutritional Lounge.” 

SHARK TANK FEATURES PANTIES FOR ORAL SEX

HOLLYWOOD – May 13, 2022 - Today, following yesterday’s New York Times article that announced that the FDA had approved panties for oral sex, Melonie Cristol, the owner of the Lorals brand of the approved panties, demonstrated its use during the filming of a Shark Tank episode. Both Barbara Corcoran and Lori Grenier volunteered for the demonstration, while the male members of the cast watched intensely. Ms. Cristol asked for $500,000 for a two percent interest in her company which had no reported sales but is expected to be featured on Amazon starting on June 15, the date that the Shark Tank will air on ABC. Kevin O’Leary, known as Mr. Wonderful, offered the $500,000 for just a $2.00 per panty royalty in perpetuity, saying that he could promote it along with all of his wedding products, but that offer was rejected by Ms. Cristol who said that she wanted an equity partner. Although Mark Cuban and Damon John were interested, they bowed out of the bidding, recognizing that the sharks who would be the best partners for Ms. Cristol were Barbara and Lori, and suggested that in addition to the vanilla flavoring, she should consider Bar-B-Que for the southern markets and salsa flavoring for the California and Arizona markets. Surprisingly, none of the sharks were troubled by the lack of sales or profit projections, Lori beat out Barbara because she said that she would promote it heavily on QVC, offering demonstrations in the late-night editions of the show, and also market it in Bed Bath and Beyond, as well as in Whole Foods and her on-line website, Dildos-R-Us. Shark Robert Herjavec complimented Ms. Cristol but said he was out because she was a great entrepreneur and didn’t need a partner. Barbara said she didn’t think it was investable for her, but she would be a customer.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/12/health/fda-underwear-sti.html

New K95 Depends Provide Extra Covid Protection

New N95 Depends(c)

 NEENAH, WI – Kimberly-Clark© today announced the production of its new K19 Depends Mask. Developed with grants from the National Health Center, Johnson & Johnson© and the Harris for Election 2024 Committee, this product was the result of his reports to the CDC and the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis, that the Covid 19 Omicron Virus could be spread not only from nasal passages but “ from any bodily orifice.” 

 

Beware of Knock-Offs

First reported by Fox News, Dr. Anthony Fauci, President Biden’s health advisor,  explained: “The virus is throughout the body of a contaminated person, and nasal masks only capture the virus from one source.  My research has found that the virus is also spread by flatulence, known by some as ‘farts’.  While some of the virus is contained by wearing pants, that is no more effective than a simple cloth mask.  To combat
this, I have been sprinkling powdered carbon in my underpants.  That helps, but what was truly needed was underwear with N95 protection, and this product will do the trick.”  

 

The K95 Depends will initially become available in CVS, Walgreens, and Hobby Lobby.  “Beware of Chink knock-offs,” Fauci cautioned.

Senator Mankin wins the Arnold Award

Receives "Arnold Award"

The Koch Industries Charitable Foundation today announced its 2021 Arnold Award to Senator Joseph Manchin (D-W.VA.).  “Joe has exhibited his love for the United States by his announcement that he will not support the left-wing Build Better Back legislation proposed by the failing Biden Administration,” said David Koch.  “Just like Benedict, Joe’s action was decisive and took the government by surprise.”  The Arnold award provides a commission as a Kentucky Colonel, to be awarded in a ceremony hosted by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), an annual salary of £360, and a one-time grant of £6,316.  Additionally, one of the Koch coal mines in West Virginia will be renamed the Machin Mine.

Manchin Mine in West Virginia

No masks, No microchipped vaccines

Cecil Roberts, president of the United Mine Workers, lauded the award, stating:   “The predicted failure of the Build Better Back legislation means that our minors’ hard-earned tax dollars won’t be wasted on forcing our youngsters to be shuttled off to school before they are ready, thereby reducing carbon emission from those extra school busses.   Also, our members won’t have to wear those damn masks or get microchipped under the guise of the so-called vaccine.”

Says: "Shit"

 

When asked for a comment, Senate Majority Leader Charles “Chuck”  Schumer (D-NY), shrugged his shoulders and said: “Shit.”

CUOMO TO CLAIM SELF DEFENSE

 

Will Claim Self Defense

ALBANY, NY – In an exclusive report leaked to this reporter by Samuel Exophilia, the Clerk of the Albany County City Court, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to enter a plea of not guilty to the Forcible Touching misdemeanor charge filed by the Albany County Sheriff when arraigned on January 7.  According to Mr. Exophilia, Cuomo reportedly consulted Michigan attorney Mark Richards, who successfully used self-defense to secure a not guilty verdict on Kyle Rittenhouse's murder charges.  Based on the advice received, Mr. Cuomo will claim that he was simply trying to disarm what he perceived as two pointed dangerous weapons concealed beneath a female employee's sweater. In support of his defense, he will offer examples of dangerous weapons used by other women who have assaulted men with concealed spear-like weapons. "Hell, it's worth a shot," said an unidentified passerby who overheard my conversation with the Court Clerk.

Dangerous Weapons

 

Following his arraignment, Mr. Cuomo is expected to give an exclusive interview to his still shell-shocked brother, former CNN star Chris Cuomo. After his kamikaze dive from stardom, the latter is now a contributing reporter for the Sand Lake Advertiser

Ocasio-Cortez Wants Webb Telescope Launch Delayed

Investigation Needed ?

WASHINGTON – The December 22 launch of the Ten Billion Dollar Webb Telescope may be delayed if Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has her way.  The Webb Telescope was named after James Webb, who led the National Space Agency from 1961 through 1968 and was instrumental in the development of space research. 

 

Wants Launch Delay

Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is concerned that Mr. Webb, who was born in Granville County, North Carolina, may have had some slave-holding ancestors and believe that before his name is forever attached to this telescope, a thorough investigation should be made of his background.  She has suggested that Congress delay the telescope’s launch and employ renowned scholar Lewis Henry Gates, Jr., the host of the popular PBS television series, Finding Your Roots, to have a complete familiar history of Mr. Gates to determine if he had any slave-holding ancestors.  Dr. Gates, Jr., said that a search should not take more than eight to ten months, and he could report his findings on a special edition of Finding Your Roots

 

Further, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez questioned whether a man of his generation, who held many important management positions and was a military officer, may have made inappropriate sexual advances to his subordinates during his long career.  She has requested that any such victims come forward through her Twitter, Tik-Tok,  and other social media.  

 

 Needed to Watch Russian Buildup

When questioned by this reporter, The White House responded that the Webb Telescope could provide greater intelligence on the Russian buildup on the Ukrainian border and that it is imperative that the launch not be delayed, other than for weather or other technical reasons.


 

Gov. DeSantis to Provide Eulogy

CLEARWATER - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced today that he will provide the eulogy for the funeral of Winter the Dolphin, who passed away November 11.  "I was heartbroken to learn of Winter's passing," DeSantis said.  "While I mourn his loss, I know that he supported my policies as he never wore a mask even when swimming among crowds of visitors.  In fact, following my mandate, not one member of a school of fish in Florida has been required to wear a mask."

Following Governor DeSantis's eulogy, Winter will be towed by a Florida Department of Environmental Protection tugboat to Honeymoon Island State Park, where it will be buried in a casket adorned with water lilies.

"Considering that this is Florida, it is comforting to know that Winter died a natural death," DeSantis said.