Shark Tank Millionaire Funds New Condom

Inventor Wilston Hickey

NEW YORK - Shark Tank millionaire Robert Herjavec fought off  two other Shark Tank members to win the right to invest in "Dip  Your Wick", at an episode to be aired during September 2014.    Inventor Wilston Hickey, a 77-year-old college dropout, originally from Troy, New York, received $169,000 in funding  a 10% interest in his company, Dip Your Wick, LLC,  a North Dakota limited liability company.

Mr. Hickey said that he was inspired to invent Dip Your Wick when browsing at a Home Depot store in Fargo, where he presently resides.  He noticed the plastic tool coatings in the paint department, which enable tools to be coated with a rubber or plastic coating.  Hickey bought a can of Plasti Dip to coat the rusting handles of his pliers, but when doing so he accidentally spilled some on his most private part, which quickly coated it.

"It was like a gift from Allah", Hickey told the Shark Tank members.  "This is way easier than wrestling with  a Trojan if you haven't had Daily Cialis".  After trying different combinations of products and application methods, he finally developed Dip Your Wick in both an aerosol spray-on product and a traditional can to which a male penis can be quickly dipped prior to lovemaking.

Barbara Cochran

Hickey has applied for a utility patent, and the application is pending.  Because of the unusual sensitivity of the product, the Shark Tank members (other than Barbara Cochran) went to a screened-in area to try out a sample, and were duly impressed with the ease of use.  During the negotiations with Mr. Hickey, Barbara quickly announced  "I'm out", but some of the other four investors made various offers and commented favorably about the product.

Robert Herjavec

Damon John

Asked what the funding will be used for, Hickey said that he will use it to experiment with expanding the line to offer various colors and flavors, "just like Trojan," and for some advertising in Hustler,  Ebony,  and Cosmos magazines.   At the present time, Dip Your Wick is available only in jet black and linen colors.  Damon John, who tried the linen sample, was very impressed, although he believed that the off-white color made his penis look small.  At the same time, Robert Herjavec said that he was excited after trying the jet black sample.  "I feel like a real African American stud", Herjavec said.  Damon John offered the $169,000 but demanded a 51% equity interest in the company.  Mark Cuban just laughed but said that he doubted whether his team members would use the product, and therefore he was out.  Billionaire Kevin O'Leary offered Hickey the requested $169,000, but in turn wanted a $1.00 per unit royalty in perpetuity, an offer that was rejected on Barbara's advice.

Advertising for Dip Your Wick will appear in print and online ads starting in October, and may be demonstrated on QVC.

Washington Redskins to Change Name

Team Owner Snyder

WASHINGTON - This reporter has exclusively learned that the Washington Redskins NFL team owner has agreed to change the name of his football team, following the double whammy of the United States Patent Office removing its trademark, and a rumor that team owner Donald Snyder once, in a private conversation, mentioned that the team had a "nigger" player.

Sports Analyst Savannah Guthrie

Team Logo

The compromise, to be announced on NBC's Monday Night Football by NBC's sports analyst, Savannah Guthrie, will change the name of the team to "Washington Injuns".  No change will be made to the team's logo.

 Not all Redskin Americans were satisfied with the name change.  Chief Geronimo Schwartz, who acts as counsel and spokesperson for the Native American Casino Owners Association (NACOA), likened Mr. Snyder to George Custer, although when questioned at length, Chief Schwartz said that the change of the team's name to the Washington Injuns might prove beneficial to the tribes he represents since they own the "Injuns" trademark, and might be able to cut a licensing deal with Snyder.  He said that he will explore that possibility on a new segment of ABC's "Shark Tank" later this summer.

Chief Geronimo Schwartz

Florida to Amend its "Stand Your Ground Law"

Gov. Rick Scott 

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida Governor Rick Scott today announced that he will sign into law an amendment to Florida’s “stand your ground” law that was proposed by the Florida Association of Retired Cops and endorsed by the National Rifle Association.  “It is clear to me, and I assume that it will be clear to our legislature, that as presently enacted, and has has been demonstrated by a recent event,  the stated grounds for using deadly force is not as encompassing as needed for the protection of our retired first responders and other residents of the Sunshine State.  While Florida prides itself as being at the forefront of those states who abide by the letter and spirit of the Second Amendment, I and my chums in the legislature will clarify, protect, and expand our constitutional right.  The public demands that we do so.”

The statutory amendment was drafted by George W. Smoot, III, Esq., counsel to the NRA, and will be introduced by bi-partisan Republican legislators on March 4, 2014, the opening of the 2014 legislative session.  Quick passage is expected.

The proposed amendment is set forth below:

CHAPTER 2014-16

Senate Bill No. 251

An act relating to use of deadly force, presumption of fear of death or great bodily  harm, amending s. 776.013, F.S.  providing clarification of the appropriateness of the use of deadly force; providing a retroactive effective date.

Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:

Section 1.  Subsection (1) of  section 776.013, Florida Statutes, entitled “Justifiable Use of Force” is amended to read:

(1)  A person is presumed to have held a reasonable fear of imminent peril of death, great bodily harm, or irritation to himself or herself or another when using defense force that is intended or likely to cause death, great bodily harm, or irritation to another if:

(a) The person against whom the defensive force was used was in the process of unlawfully and forcefully entering, or had unlawfully and forcibly entered, a dwelling, residence, movie theater, or occupied vehicle of if that person had removed or was attempting to remove another against the person’s will from the dwelling, residence, movie theater, or occupied vehicle; and

(b) The person who uses defensive force knew or had reason to believe that an unlawful, forcible entry, or unlawful, forcible, or irritating act was occurring or had occurred.

Section 2.        This act shall take effective retroactively to January 1, 2014.

                       

George Zimmerman comments on Movie Theatre Shooting

George Zimmerman

EAST VALRICO, FL -  George Zimmerman gave this reporter an exclusive interview regarding the 

Captain Reeves

the reported shooting of an unarmed theatre patron and his wife at the Cobb Grove 16 Theater in Wesley Chapel, Florida.  As reported in both the local and national press, retired Tampa police captain Curtis Reeves shot his .357 magnum through Ms. Oulson's hand and into the chest of Chad Oulson, killing him.  Captain Reeves was arrested and is currently in jail awaiting indictment on homicide charges.

Bye-D-Weed Mobile Home Park

We met at Mr. Zimmerman's single wide mobile home at the Bye-D-Weed Mobile Home Park.

Me:  George, have you read or heard about this shooting that took place in the Cobb Grove 16 Theater in neighboring Wesley Chapel?

George:  Sure I have.  Do you think I live in a cave?

Ms. and the Late Mr. Oulson

Me:  No, of course not, George. It's obvious that you live in this shitbox of a mobile home.  I would like to know whether you think that Captain  Reeves was justified in shooting Mr. and Mrs. Chad Oulson because Chad had been texting and reportedly threw a bag of popcorn at the victim?  Do you see similarities between this shooting and your killing of the Martin boy?

George:  Whoa!  The cases are entirely different.  First of all, Mr. Oulson was armed with just popcorn, and the Martin thug had Twizzlers, which are much more dangerous.  Also, let's face it, Mr. Oulson was a white guy and wasn't even wearing a hoodie, so the Captain shouldn't have been afraid for his life.  The "stand your ground defense" isn't worth shit here.  

Me:  Is there anything else you would like to say, George?

George:  Yeah, why don't you fucking newsmen leave me alone?

Me:  Thank you, George.

New Direction for St. Petersburg Pier

Winter Gets a Stand In

Winter, the Dolphin

CLEARWATER, FLORIDA - The Clearwater Marine Aquarium, home of Winter, the bottle-nose dolphin that it rescued after its tail was horribly mutilated by a motorboat, today announced that it is preparing a stand-in actor for Winter.  Winter became famous after a prosthetic tail was developed by Hanger Prognostics and Orthotics and fitted to the dolphin at the aquarium's clinic.  Such interest developed in this unusual story, that Hollywood descended upon this west Florida community, home to Scientology, and filmed Winter's tale (and her tail).  The movie, Winter's Tale, became a hit earning millions of dollars in its worldwide distribution.  Moreover, it brought thousands of tourists to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, many of whom enjoyed a day of watching Winter swim and Scientologists parade about town.  In fact, Winter's appeal made the Aquarium such a money machine, that it announced that it was building a new $160,000 facility with the financial support of the Clearwater municipal government and the moral support of the late L. Ron Hubbard.

One of several Lassies

The backers of the project got a dose of reality, however, when the Aquarium's oldest dolphin, Panama, died this past September.  "Winter can't live forever", Dr. Mike Walsh, the Aquarium's veterinarian said.  Knowing that Winter's demise would create quite a damper on the Aquarium's finances since throngs of people would not come to the Aquarium if Winter was not there, the management decided to get another dolphin to stand in and even eventually succeed Winter.  The problem was making the new dolphin look authentic.  "Hell, there was more than one Lassie," said Clearwater councilman and Aquarium Board of Overseers member John John Footz, "and there can be more than one Winter."

Cleary before Procedure

Marine Surgical Saw

Soon thereafter a crew captured a young, healthy female bottle-nose dolphin, which they named "Cleary".  A marine surgical team brought in from the Kansas Medical School and Fishery amputated Cleary's tail and outfitted her with a duplicate of the one used by Winter.  "No one outside of the staff and a few of us in government will know the difference," said Footz, "particularly if you don't publish this interview.  To most folk, they can't tell the difference between one dolphin and another, sort of like Bucs linemen out of uniform."
 

Cleary smiles happily

Cleary seems happy in her new role, although Dr. Walsh suspects that the prosthetic tail itches her somewhat, and her sex life may not be as good as might otherwise be expected.  

Asked for a comment, PETA's communication director said "We are Pissed, with a capital 'P'."

Late Celebrity Comments on Zimmerman Verdict

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - CA.  Jay Silverheels, who played Tonto for many years as the faithful Indian companion on The Lone Ranger radio, television, and movie series before his untimely death in 1980, today commented on the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of Travon Martin.  Speaking through his shaman, Abe Goatsmilker, Silverheels said:  "All things considered, I think the jury's decision was certainly in line with the law of the Old West of the late 19th century.  We always stood our ground, and the LR was everyman's neighborhood watch type of guy. He (the LR) did all the shooting, and I just fed the horses, cooked the beans, and said 'Getem up Scout' at the end of every episode.


"Actually, Zimmerman had more balls than the LR, who never killed anyone.  The LR was a pussy.  He might wound some s.o.b. with one of his silver bullets, but he usually turned the bad guys over to the  Marshall and then did the standard "hi-ho Silver" line, not that Silver had any fucking idea what "hi-ho" meant.  We never saw one of the black guys in a hoodie, but then again Travon probably never saw a cracker wearing a mask and riding a white horse,"  Silverheels said, adding "in those days we called them 'niggers' and we were called 'savages.'   Now the blacks are called 'African Americans' and we are called 'Native Americans'.

3-D Printing Reproduces Damaged Member

New York City:  While most of the techno-hoopla lately has focused on the ability of 3-D printing to create models for such a wide range of goods from earrings to airplane parts, the medical community has also become very involved.  Researchers at prestigious institutions such as John Hopkins, Harvard Medical College, Hudson Valley Community College, and Stanford University have attempted to reproduce simple organisms using this new technology, but there are some real-life products that are actually being manufactured and used by those at the forefront of the medical community, vastly improving the lives of some men.

Dr. Lamont Bearishafertz, Ph.D., M.D., of New York City, is one of those visionaries.  Although a psychiatrist and OB-GYN physician, he religiously studied articles on Gizmo.com where he learned of the possibilities of 3-D printing.  After reading an article of 15 cases of penis removal on listverse.com, and learning that the dismemberment of penises is not as uncommon as generally believed, he purchased a Stratasys 3-D printer with a grant from the John and Lorena Bobbitt Foundation and set to work.  Using discarded human cells donated by a mohel, and computer images from Hustler magazine, Bearishafertz was able to manufacture a viable male penis, although smaller in scale than those lost by some gentile men.  While the manufacturing process is slow, and the attachment is tricky, the cost will likely be covered by Obamacare starting in 2014, according to Blue Cross and Blue Shield of New York.

Bearishafertz plans to increase both the quantity and quality of his product as the technology progresses.  The good doctor plans to raise the necessary funds to start production with his new business entity, Newcock, LLC, and will soon enter his product in Kickstarter.com, where he will seek $1,395,056.62 by December 31, 2013.  [Everyone contributing $25.00 will receive a color photo of the first 3-D manufactured penis.  Those contributing $100,000.00 or more will receive a "designer penis" when the technology permits].

"One of my OB-GYN clients recently told me that after having an affair with an African-American friend, she understood that 'once you go black, you can't go back is true," Bearishafertz said.  "I told her  that I might soon have the solution that will permit her to regain the former love-making she enjoyed with her Caucasian husband."

Newspapers Change Death Notices

NEW YORK - The New York Times today announced that it has changed its format for reporting death notices.  Starting January 1, 2013,  the section formerly called "Obituaries" will now be called "The Rainbow Bridge".

"This change was brought about to make the passing of notable people less troubling and has been used for years when pet owners have announced the death of a favorite pet, such as a dog, cat, parrot, or even a gerbil" said New York Times Death Editor Shawn "Bye-Bye" Wilson-Carrot.  "Our focus group preferred "The Rainbow Bridge" over such other suggestions as "Too Soon, But Not Too Late", and "Here Yesterday, Gone Today."
Not to be outdone, Ruppert Murdock has instructed the management of The Wall Street Journal to change the obituary section title of that newspaper from the simple "Deaths" to "Early Retirement". 

Foreign Aircraft Safety Switch

THE PENTAGON - It was revealed today that all aircraft sold by the United States to most foreign countries have an embedded secret "safety switch" that allows the Secretary of Defense to disable many of the features of jet fighters and certain other military aircraft previously sold to foreign countries since the Regan presidency.  Using hardware and software developed by General Motors under contract with the Central Intelligence Agency, the system was an outgrowth of GM's Onstar automobile technology. 
"Just as Onstar can disable an Onstar equipped automobile by sending a signal to the vehicle by satellite at the request of a law enforcement agency, the military version, known officially as 'Foreign Aircraft Disable System', (FADS), can disable certain features of American made military aircraft by sending a satellite signal to the airplanes", Army PFC Aaron D. Bookheiser, Secretary Panetta's Director of Top Secret Classified Information (DTSI) leaked to this reporter on condition of anonymity.
"The program was suggested to President Regan by Major Oliver North and some of the neocon advisers who were then working on the ill-fated Strategic Defense Initiative, commonly known as 'Star Wars.  In return for a promise that the federal government would indemnify and hold GM harmless for any damages resulting from the use of the system and would also bail out the company if needed during future recessions, General Motors assigned Booker T. Brownman, inventor of Onstar, to develop the military version," PFC Bookheiser said.    (Note:  Mr. Brownman was the first African American to graduate from the prestigious North Dakota Technical and Agricultural Institute, which he attended with a Pell Grant and studied engineering  and ROTC.)
Because of the sensitive, top-secret nature of the project, Mr. Brownman set up the engineering laboratory in a small but secure building in a business park in Lansing, Michigan, where, as a cover,  it claimed to be a distributor of love lubricants and adult toys.  The actual manufacturing of the electronics was done in a section of GM's Oldsmobile factory. The first version was a small circuit board that was installed in the aircraft's seat heater, and upon receiving a command would disable the weapons systems.  It was called the "88".  (Note:  Later versions, according to PFC Bookheiser, were dubbed the "Super 88", the "98", the "Cutlass" the "Tornado" and finally, the "Aurora".)  Following GM's closure of the Oldsmobile factory, manufacturing was done by GM's Israeli subsidiary,  להפיל מטוסים למטהבע"מ  
The current version of FADS offers the Secretary several options.  He can turn off the aircraft's weapons systems, slow the top speed of the aircraft to 142 mph, or even completely turn off the jet engines while the aircraft is in flight.  The "Aurora" version, which is installed in the pilot's headrest, also permits the Secretary to eject the pilot.
"Americans should feel secure in knowing that the airplanes that we sell to the Krauts,  the Yellows, and the Towelheads can't be used against us" said Bookheiser.  "With the push of a button, we can maintain air superiority in any future battle.  I know that  gives the Kenyan comfort when dealing in international matters."

FDA to Promote Benefits of Suicide

GARY, IN - The Funeral Directors of America (FDA) have announced an advertising campaign to be launched Thanksgiving Week to inform the public of the financial and social benefits of suicide.  Stressing that "we must all go sometime", the campaign which will appear in selected media where the trade group feels it will have the most impact.  The advertising campaign will be modified slightly depending upon its target audience.

"The FDA will stress the financial benefits to the wealthy elderly in print ads in The Wall Street Journal and The Financial Times, pointing out that the "death tax" relief granted by the Bush Tax Cuts will expire on December 31, 2012, substantially increasing the estate tax on persons dying January 1, 2013, and thereafter.  "It makes sound financial sense to terminate what frequently is a poor quality of life while saving your heirs potentially millions of dollars in unnecessary taxes", said W. W. von Gerber, the FDA public affairs officer.  "Think of your suicide as a Christmas gift to your family," von Gerber said.
The print ads in publications such as USA Today and the AARP Journal, aimed at the larger group of the less wealthy middle class, have a slightly different emphasis.  While mentioning the potential tax savings of a 2012 suicide, the ads also mention the benefits of timely death to minimize the effect of death on friends and family.  "We advise selecting a date that will permit a weekend service so that friends who want to attend will not lose time from work, particularly in these troubled economic times", said von Gerber.  "Also, you won't want to disrupt family vacation plans, such as a Christmas trip to Disney or Legoland.."
The advertising campaign has obtained the unqualified approval of The Hemlock Society, The National Cremation Society, and the NRA.
"There are great Black Friday deals offered by many of our members this year.  Look for coupons in Thursday's advertising flyers, and there will be specials on urns and cemetery markers on Amazon and eBay" von Gerber said in his announcement.

Foxconn Urges End to China's One Child Policy

LONHUA, CHINA. - Foxconn, the world's largest manufacturer of electronic devices, including the Apple iPhone, iPod, iPad, and iMac computers, has urged China's National Population and Family Planning Commission to end that country's one-child policy.  For decades, in an effort to control the population growth of this third-world country, the national government has mandated that every family have only one child, except in rural areas where two children have been permitted if the first child is a girl.  As a result, most Chinese women are forced to undergo annual abortions, since birth control methods are both generally unknown to the undereducated population, and a diet consisting mostly of rice, halavah,  and bamboo shoots make the Chinese men quite horny.

The issue of the one-child policy was first brought to the attention of Foxconn by Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, Inc.  Mr. Cook noted that the increasing popularity of Apple devices manufactured by Foxconn requires a constant supply of workers to assemble its products.  "Only young Chink workers have the nimble fingers necessary to assemble the smaller, products, such as the iPhone 5 and the soon to be released iPhone 5 Mini, which will have a 3.75-inch screen."  Mr. Cook continued: " How can Foxconn keep up its production with only one child replacing two adults, and many of its adult workers are now leaving its workforce by suicide or developing arthritis and carpel tunnel disease because of the tedious and repetitive assembly process.? "

Former Wall Street guru and convicted Ponzi scheme crook, Bernie Madoff, who blogs for the Huffington Post on financial matters from the Butner, North Carolina federal prison, noted that Foxconn has threatened to move much of its future assembly production to Brazil, where, he noted, "the workers fuck like little bunny rabbits, assuring a good supply of workers, and the government doesn't give a crap about working conditions."

Wang Feng, director of the Brookings-Tsinghua Center for Public Policy, stated that Foxconn has been a good corporate citizen and has been caring for its aging workforce.  "Recognizing that most Foxconn assembly line workers cannot continue to assemble products because of physical or mental fatigue by the age of seventeen, Foxconn is expanding its product line where its factory workers can transition to less demanding jobs, such as making chicken chewies for dogs for export to the United States and Europe, or dog chewies for domestic consumption.  "However", Mr. Feng noted, "Foxconn must develop its own distribution network since Tim Cook has been adamant that the chewies cannot be sold under the 'iChewy' name.