HOLLYWOOD HILLS - CA. Jay Silverheels, who played Tonto for many years as the faithful Indian companion on The Lone Ranger radio, television, and movie series before his untimely death in 1980, today commented on the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of Travon Martin. Speaking through his shaman, Abe Goatsmilker, Silverheels said: "All things considered, I think the jury's decision was certainly in line with the law of the Old West of the late 19th century. We always stood our ground, and the LR was everyman's neighborhood watch type of guy. He (the LR) did all the shooting, and I just fed the horses, cooked the beans, and said 'Getem up Scout' at the end of every episode.
"Actually, Zimmerman had more balls than the LR, who never killed anyone. The LR was a pussy. He might wound some s.o.b. with one of his silver bullets, but he usually turned the bad guys over to the Marshall and then did the standard "hi-ho Silver" line, not that Silver had any fucking idea what "hi-ho" meant. We never saw one of the black guys in a hoodie, but then again Travon probably never saw a cracker wearing a mask and riding a white horse," Silverheels said, adding "in those days we called them 'niggers' and we were called 'savages.' Now the blacks are called 'African Americans' and we are called 'Native Americans'.
New York City: While most of the techno-hoopla lately has focused on the ability of 3-D printing to create models for such a wide range of goods from earrings to airplane parts, the medical community has also become very involved. Researchers at prestigious institutions such as John Hopkins, Harvard Medical College, Hudson Valley Community College, and Stanford University have attempted to reproduce simple organisms using this new technology, but there are some real-life products that are actually being manufactured and used by those at the forefront of the medical community, vastly improving the lives of some men.
Dr. Lamont Bearishafertz, Ph.D., M.D., of New York City, is one of those visionaries. Although a psychiatrist and OB-GYN physician, he religiously studied articles on Gizmo.com where he learned of the possibilities of 3-D printing. After reading an article of 15 cases of penis removal on listverse.com, and learning that the dismemberment of penises is not as uncommon as generally believed, he purchased a Stratasys 3-D printer with a grant from the John and Lorena Bobbitt Foundation and set to work. Using discarded human cells donated by a mohel, and computer images from Hustler magazine, Bearishafertz was able to manufacture a viable male penis, although smaller in scale than those lost by some gentile men. While the manufacturing process is slow, and the attachment is tricky, the cost will likely be covered by Obamacare starting in 2014, according to Blue Cross and Blue Shield of New York.
Bearishafertz plans to increase both the quantity and quality of his product as the technology progresses. The good doctor plans to raise the necessary funds to start production with his new business entity, Newcock, LLC, and will soon enter his product in Kickstarter.com, where he will seek $1,395,056.62 by December 31, 2013. [Everyone contributing $25.00 will receive a color photo of the first 3-D manufactured penis. Those contributing $100,000.00 or more will receive a "designer penis" when the technology permits].
"One of my OB-GYN clients recently told me that after having an affair with an African-American friend, she understood that 'once you go black, you can't go back is true," Bearishafertz said. "I told her that I might soon have the solution that will permit her to regain the former love-making she enjoyed with her Caucasian husband."
NEW YORK - The New York Times today announced that it has changed its format for reporting death notices. Starting January 1, 2013, the section formerly called "Obituaries" will now be called "The Rainbow Bridge".
"This change was brought about to make the passing of notable people less troubling and has been used for years when pet owners have announced the death of a favorite pet, such as a dog, cat, parrot, or even a gerbil" said New York Times Death Editor Shawn "Bye-Bye" Wilson-Carrot. "Our focus group preferred "The Rainbow Bridge" over such other suggestions as "Too Soon, But Not Too Late", and "Here Yesterday, Gone Today."
Not to be outdone, Ruppert Murdock has instructed the management of The Wall Street Journal to change the obituary section title of that newspaper from the simple "Deaths" to "Early Retirement".
THE PENTAGON - It was revealed today that all aircraft sold by the United States to most foreign countries have an embedded secret "safety switch" that allows the Secretary of Defense to disable many of the features of jet fighters and certain other military aircraft previously sold to foreign countries since the Regan presidency. Using hardware and software developed by General Motors under contract with the Central Intelligence Agency, the system was an outgrowth of GM's Onstar automobile technology.
"Just as Onstar can disable an Onstar equipped automobile by sending a signal to the vehicle by satellite at the request of a law enforcement agency, the military version, known officially as 'Foreign Aircraft Disable System', (FADS), can disable certain features of American made military aircraft by sending a satellite signal to the airplanes", Army PFC Aaron D. Bookheiser, Secretary Panetta's Director of Top Secret Classified Information (DTSI) leaked to this reporter on condition of anonymity.
"The program was suggested to President Regan by Major Oliver North and some of the neocon advisers who were then working on the ill-fated Strategic Defense Initiative, commonly known as 'Star Wars. In return for a promise that the federal government would indemnify and hold GM harmless for any damages resulting from the use of the system and would also bail out the company if needed during future recessions, General Motors assigned Booker T. Brownman, inventor of Onstar, to develop the military version," PFC Bookheiser said. (Note: Mr. Brownman was the first African American to graduate from the prestigious North Dakota Technical and Agricultural Institute, which he attended with a Pell Grant and studied engineering and ROTC.)
Because of the sensitive, top-secret nature of the project, Mr. Brownman set up the engineering laboratory in a small but secure building in a business park in Lansing, Michigan, where, as a cover, it claimed to be a distributor of love lubricants and adult toys. The actual manufacturing of the electronics was done in a section of GM's Oldsmobile factory. The first version was a small circuit board that was installed in the aircraft's seat heater, and upon receiving a command would disable the weapons systems. It was called the "88". (Note: Later versions, according to PFC Bookheiser, were dubbed the "Super 88", the "98", the "Cutlass" the "Tornado" and finally, the "Aurora".) Following GM's closure of the Oldsmobile factory, manufacturing was done by GM's Israeli subsidiary, להפיל מטוסים למטהבע"מ
The current version of FADS offers the Secretary several options. He can turn off the aircraft's weapons systems, slow the top speed of the aircraft to 142 mph, or even completely turn off the jet engines while the aircraft is in flight. The "Aurora" version, which is installed in the pilot's headrest, also permits the Secretary to eject the pilot.
"Americans should feel secure in knowing that the airplanes that we sell to the Krauts, the Yellows, and the Towelheads can't be used against us" said Bookheiser. "With the push of a button, we can maintain air superiority in any future battle. I know that gives the Kenyan comfort when dealing in international matters."
GARY, IN - The Funeral Directors of America (FDA) have announced an advertising campaign to be launched Thanksgiving Week to inform the public of the financial and social benefits of suicide. Stressing that "we must all go sometime", the campaign which will appear in selected media where the trade group feels it will have the most impact. The advertising campaign will be modified slightly depending upon its target audience.
"The FDA will stress the financial benefits to the wealthy elderly in print ads in The Wall Street Journal and The Financial Times, pointing out that the "death tax" relief granted by the Bush Tax Cuts will expire on December 31, 2012, substantially increasing the estate tax on persons dying January 1, 2013, and thereafter. "It makes sound financial sense to terminate what frequently is a poor quality of life while saving your heirs potentially millions of dollars in unnecessary taxes", said W. W. von Gerber, the FDA public affairs officer. "Think of your suicide as a Christmas gift to your family," von Gerber said.
The print ads in publications such as USA Today and the AARP Journal, aimed at the larger group of the less wealthy middle class, have a slightly different emphasis. While mentioning the potential tax savings of a 2012 suicide, the ads also mention the benefits of timely death to minimize the effect of death on friends and family. "We advise selecting a date that will permit a weekend service so that friends who want to attend will not lose time from work, particularly in these troubled economic times", said von Gerber. "Also, you won't want to disrupt family vacation plans, such as a Christmas trip to Disney or Legoland.."
The advertising campaign has obtained the unqualified approval of The Hemlock Society, The National Cremation Society, and the NRA.
"There are great Black Friday deals offered by many of our members this year. Look for coupons in Thursday's advertising flyers, and there will be specials on urns and cemetery markers on Amazon and eBay" von Gerber said in his announcement.
LONHUA, CHINA. - Foxconn, the world's largest manufacturer of electronic devices, including the Apple iPhone, iPod, iPad, and iMac computers, has urged China's National Population and Family Planning Commission to end that country's one-child policy. For decades, in an effort to control the population growth of this third-world country, the national government has mandated that every family have only one child, except in rural areas where two children have been permitted if the first child is a girl. As a result, most Chinese women are forced to undergo annual abortions, since birth control methods are both generally unknown to the undereducated population, and a diet consisting mostly of rice, halavah, and bamboo shoots make the Chinese men quite horny.
The issue of the one-child policy was first brought to the attention of Foxconn by Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, Inc. Mr. Cook noted that the increasing popularity of Apple devices manufactured by Foxconn requires a constant supply of workers to assemble its products. "Only young Chink workers have the nimble fingers necessary to assemble the smaller, products, such as the iPhone 5 and the soon to be released iPhone 5 Mini, which will have a 3.75-inch screen." Mr. Cook continued: " How can Foxconn keep up its production with only one child replacing two adults, and many of its adult workers are now leaving its workforce by suicide or developing arthritis and carpel tunnel disease because of the tedious and repetitive assembly process.? "
Former Wall Street guru and convicted Ponzi scheme crook, Bernie Madoff, who blogs for the Huffington Post on financial matters from the Butner, North Carolina federal prison, noted that Foxconn has threatened to move much of its future assembly production to Brazil, where, he noted, "the workers fuck like little bunny rabbits, assuring a good supply of workers, and the government doesn't give a crap about working conditions."
Wang Feng, director of the Brookings-Tsinghua Center for Public Policy, stated that Foxconn has been a good corporate citizen and has been caring for its aging workforce. "Recognizing that most Foxconn assembly line workers cannot continue to assemble products because of physical or mental fatigue by the age of seventeen, Foxconn is expanding its product line where its factory workers can transition to less demanding jobs, such as making chicken chewies for dogs for export to the United States and Europe, or dog chewies for domestic consumption. "However", Mr. Feng noted, "Foxconn must develop its own distribution network since Tim Cook has been adamant that the chewies cannot be sold under the 'iChewy' name.
Cheyenne, WY. Following the hoopla that has erupted following North Carolina's adoption of a constitutional amendment that effectively bans gay marriage, both sides of the political divide have hardened their respective positions. While the TGBT-liberal-commie-socialist side was disheartened by the North Carolina action, they were encouraged by the statements made by Vice President Biden who endorsed gay marriage and echoed by the Kenyan who half-heartedly supported that position since his daughters thought that it was fine. At the same time, the neocon-evangelist-tea party Republicans began to renew their push for a federal constitutional amendment that would recognize marriage as a union solely between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman.
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| Rep "Jake" Coprophagia |
Just when it seemed as though the gulf between these two positions was widening, Richard "Jake" Coprophagia, an obscure Republican congressman from Wyoming who served that state for almost two decades, and is a member of the House subcommittee on Feral Cats (serving as its Assistant Chairman during Bush II), has put forth a compromise proposal which he believes will gain the support of all parties and put an end to the political haggling so that Congress and the Executive Branch can devote more time to haggling over other, more important matters.
"I propose an amendment to the United States Constitution that defines marriage 'as a union between a man and a woman, or between a woman and a woman'", Coprophagia said. "That way, each side gets half a loaf, and we don't have to think about those fags and their santorum," Coprophagia told the assembled press that he had discussed his proposal with former Vice President Cheney, who, along with some family members, thought that it was a good idea.
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| wants whole loaf |
The immediate reaction to the proposal has been mixed. While Congressman Paul Ryan said that it was worthy of consideration, it lacked any tax reduction benefits and continued food stamps for unworthy poor people. Sarah Palin did not have an immediate comment but said that she would read about it in one of the many newspapers she now has delivered to her former campaign office. On the Democratic side, Congressman Barney Frank said that he would oppose it, saying "I want the whole loaf."
Dannemora, New York - In ceremonies conducted today in this out-of-the-way upstate village, New York State Department of Corrections and Community Service Commissioner Brian Fischer announced a new pilot program designed to reduce violence between inmates and reduce the danger to the prison guards and personnel. Funded by a 1.7 million dollar grant from the Department of Justice, all prisoners at the Clinton Correctional Facility will be given an Apple Ipad 2 preloaded with FarmVille.
"Our highly paid psychologists have suggested that playing FarmVille will serve a myriad of benefits. First and foremost, it will keep the prisoners so busy that they won't have time to plan escapes or think of new ways to harass the screws. We are hoping that the interaction will bring new friendship between the black convicts and their Caucasian and Hispanic brethren. We are hopeful that it will even foster understanding and even friendship between the Crips and the Bloods."
"As an added benefit" Fischer continued, "playing FarmVille will prepare our inmates for agricultural vocations once they return to the community. They will learn organic agriculture and even sheep breeding, important skills when they job hunt when they return to the cities from which they came and will probably return if they are ever paroled or max out."
"This morning we gave the first Farmville equipped Ipad to cop-killer Ralph "Bucky" Phillips, who was so gratified that he promised not to make another escape attempt, or to throw feces at the guards "
"My stay at this shit hole will be much less stressful now that I can play FarmVille with my prison buds," Bucky said. "It will make the hundred or so years that I plan on being here quite tolerant, maybe even pleasant, and I was told that after ten years or so of good behavior I might be upgraded to Zynga's new game, 'Mafia Wars ' This positive step just reaffirms my faith that the Cuomo administration really cares about us miscreants"
While interested in the program, New York City Department of Corrections Dora B. Schriro, said that she thought that Zynga's "Cityville" game might be better received by prisoners from urban areas.
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - CA. Jay Silverheels, who played Tonto for many years as the faithful Indian companion on The Lone Ranger radio, television, and movie series before his untimely death in 1980, today commented on the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of Travon Martin. Speaking through his shaman, Abe Goatsmilker, Silverheels said: "All things considered, I think the jury's decision was certainly in line with the law of the Old West of the late 19th century. We always stood our ground, and the LR was everyman's neighborhood watch type of guy. He (the LR) did all the shooting, and I just fed the horses, cooked the beans, and said 'Getem up Scout' at the end of every episode. 
