GOVENOR DESANTIS BANS PETER RABBIT BOOK

Protecting our young 

Banned by Ron

TALLAHASSEE, FL:  Governor Ron DeSantis today ordered all Florida elementary schools to immediately remove the classic children’s book, The Tale of Peter Rabbit” from school libraries and classrooms.  “While this book was considered appropriate for our youngest students, it has come to the attention of my education advisors that the latest illustrated edition of the book contains a photograph of Peter Rabbit fornicating.”  Holding up an open copy of the now outlawed book, DeSantis continued, “What is even more disturbing is that it is unclear whether the fuckee is even an underage female rabbit, or possibly a queer male of  that species.” 

Peter doing the Dirty

Kayne West and George Santos Open Restaurant Chain

Congressman Santos

ORLANDO:  Ye, formerly known as Kayne West, and Congressman George Santos (R-FL), today announced the creation of a new restaurant chain, to be known as “Ye Reptilian.”  The legal entity, Reptilian, LLC, was filed in Tallahassee on January 20, 2023. Financing was obtained from Alameda Research.

 

The restaurants, which will be in both cafes located in Hard Rock Casinos and fast food facilities along the Florida Turnpike, will feature Burmese python-based meals. “There are hundreds of thousands of Burmese pythons in the Everglades destroying our native wildlife,” Ye said, “but these huge snakes can be a source of edible protein.  Harvesting them is as simple as grabbing them as they cross the road, or accepting them from Florida’s python bounty hunters.  We will be doing the environment a great service while bringing our customers delicious food,” Ye mumbled.

Ye

 

Congressman Santos, who previously served as manager of Katz’s Delicatessen and as a 5-star Michelin-rated chef at the famed Lugar’s Restaurant in Manhattan, is designing the menu.  “I expect the initial standout offering will be blackened python filet with a slice of red onion on an egg bagel, which we will call the ‘Kardashian’,” said Santos.  “I can just imagine the sweet taste of biting into a Kardashian,” said Ye.  

Soon to be a Karshaian

 

Restaurant personnel will wear uniforms based on Ye’s clothing line, Yeezy, but with Burmese python sneakers and belts.  “We will be the Chick-fil-A of snake cuisine,” chorused Ye and Santos in unison.

EDITORIAL: SOLUTION TO AMERICA’S IMMIGRATION PROBLEM

Although my main focus as a news reporter is to simply report the news, I feel compelled to offer what, in my humble opinion, is the best solution to the immigration problem facing the United States: namely, where to resettle those Cuban, Mexican, Guatemalan, and other residents of what former president Donald Trump called “shithole countries” that are flooding our southern border.  

 

My solution:  simply relocate them to Puerto Rico!  That territory is part of the old US of A and would be more hospitable than New York City, Chicago, or Martha’s Vineyard (maybe not Martha’s Vineyard).  In any case, most of the immigrants are Spanish speaking, so they would have no language barrier in PR, and the climate is more like the warmth that they are used to.  Sure, PR has been devastated by hurricanes and other natural disasters, but those immigrants are used to living under these conditions.  Also, PR needs to resupply its population, since most native PRs have already “gotten out of Dodge” and moved to the continental United States.

 

Our Department of Homeland Security could also alleviate the border issues facing Arizona, Texas, and California by simply offering low-cost flights to PR  from neighboring Haiti, Cuba, and Central American countries, and rent cruise and container ships to bring those immigrants who have already crossed the border back to PR.  The Department could even house the refugees in used shipping containers, which are inexpensive and probably better suited to the recurring hurricanes than the tin roof houses in which many now reside.

 

I stand ready to present my proposal in detail to a joint session of Congress, who can contact me at Holbrook.Spitzer@gmail.com.  

 

FLORIDA ELECTION POLICE TO CLEAN BUTTS AND RED TIDE FISH

Florida Election Police in New Role

TALLAHASSEE – Florida Governor Ron DeSantis today announced that the Florida Election Police he created prior to the 2022 election will be used to clean beaches and waterways of fish killed by the annual red tide and pick up cigarette butts,

 

“Now that the election is over and our brave Election Police performed admirably, having charged twenty Floridians with voter fraud”, said DeSantis spokesperson Abe Goetz-Cortez, “the Governor has decided that the members of this $1.1 million dollar body will police Florida’s beautiful west coast beaches and clean them of cigarette butts and fish killed by the Red Tide.”

 

“The Florida Election Police did an admirable job, notwithstanding that all of the twenty fraud charges they filed were later dismissed by some liberal judges,” Goetz-Cortez said.  The office recently received a request to reexamine fraud in the 2020 presidential election, but the Governor

Election Police police cigarette butts

thought it more productive to have the Beach No Smoking Law enforced and our beaches cleaned for the rich tourists.  We plan to have the Red Tide fish packaged and sent to some sanctuary cities to help feed the immigrants that we have assisted in their move. Perhaps they will have a nice fish fry in Martha's Vineyard," he said with a wink.

Fish Fry?

IBERIAN AIRLINES CHANGES NAME TO SPANISH FLY AIRLINES

MADRID – The Iberian Airlines Company, Spain’s flagship carrier, today announced that it is changing its name to The Spanish Fly Airlines Company effective June 1, 2023, the start of the busy summer vacation period.

 

Renamed "Spanish Fly Airlines"

“Our research has shown that travelers from most western hemisphere nations, including The United States, Canada, and most tribal nations recognized by the Treaty of New Echota, do not know that Spain is located on the Iberian Peninsula,"  said Juan Schwarz-Guzman, Iberian Airlines’ vice president for marketing.  “Shit,” said Schwarz-Guzman, "with the education level in the United States, very few high school graduates, and many college graduates from third-tier colleges, including every single college in Florida, USA, think that ‘Iberia’ is some sort of woolly animal from Madagascar.  Most, however, are familiar with the term, ‘Spanish Fly’ and regard it favorably, particularly among male college students.”

 

The name change was announced in an advertisement in Conde Nast Traveller Magazine and will be shown on international television networks in ads prepared by the distinguished Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce advertising agency of New York

GOV. DeSantis RESOLVES TRANSGENDER ISSUE

 

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In response to the December 30 ruling by a Federal Appeals Court that reversed the St. John’s County School Board policy requiring that students use bathrooms that comply with their biological gender, Governor Ron DeSantis today issued an administrative order to resolve the issue.  “Today,” Governor DeSantis said, “ I am directing that all public schools have four bathroom facilities for student use.  Separate but equal!  There will be a ‘Boy’s' bathroom for Johnny, a ‘Girl’s’ bathroom for Kathy, a ‘Boy/Girl' bathroom for Ted-to-Joyce, and a 'Girl/Boy' bathroom for Joyce-to-Ted."  In order to provide funding for the construction of the additional two bathrooms in the thousands of public schools in Florida, Gov. DeSantis said that he would divert federal Covid relief money to fund the construction.  

 

The governor’s action was generally met with broad support.  “No longer will my son, Cassandra, feel embarrassed when choosing which bathroom to use when he needs to take a dump,” said Juanita Cohen, a Dade County mother.  Although supported by the Florida Plumbers and Steamfitters Union, AFL/CIO, the announcement brought harsh criticism from Mara-Largo and some other politicians.  “ Ron DeSacrimonious has gone woke and is not adhering to the Judo-Christian ideals that made this country great and safe for our kind of people,” said former president Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene in a joint statement. Ye could not be reached for comment.

 

Shortly following his announcement, Gov. DeSantis’s 2024 campaign committee noted that it had received “substantial” contributions from the toilet and sink manufacturers, Kohler and Eljer, as well as from That Time, an Amazon subsidiary that manufactures tampon dispensing devices installed in public restrooms.  

ARKANSAS COUPLE DIES AFTER EATING OYSTERS

Good with Lime Juice

PORT ORANGE, FL – An elderly couple visiting Florida died today after eating oysters. Wilston Hickey, age 86, and his wife, Peggy-Sue, age unknown, of Chlamydia, AK, had just finished eating a lunch of fresh oysters at a popular Port Orange restaurant when crossing U.S. Highway 1 on the way back to their travel trailer. Struck by a southbound 18-wheeler heading to Palm Beach to deliver a load of My Pillows, the crushed remains of the Hickeys tied up traffic on Highway 1 for a couple of hours. Florida State Police are investigating the accident but did not indicate whether any charges are pending against the truck driver. A spokesperson for The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife said that although they are sending condolences to the Hickey family, Florida oysters are generally safe to eat, and are especially good with lime juice or salsa sauce. Governor DeSantis, taking a five-minute break from his 2022 gubernatorial and 2024 presidential campaigns, said that his staff will attempt to confirm whether the truck driver was either a Democrat or gay.

Last thing the Hickeys Saw

NEW YORK CONVICTED CRIMINALS ARE NO LONGER PRISON INMATES

NY Gov. Kathy Hochul

ALBANY – New York Governor Kathy Hochul this week signed legislation changing the term for persons in prisons from “inmates” to “incarcerated individuals.”  The state corrections department estimated the cost to change the term on websites and other documents to be less than $500,000.  “The cost is cheap, considering the joy that the change of their status description will bring to the felons who have become guests of our great state,” said Governor Hochul.  “Many incarcerated individuals with whom I have communicated have told me that it makes them feel less sad as they sit in solitary confinement cells, which in the future will be referred to as “private retreats.”  Governor Hochul continued: “Especially pleased with the change of the reference are the female guests, who will now be referred to by the staff as  "menstruating incarcerated individuals," although many of them will probably just be called “incarcerated dyke individuals.”   

 Typical Menstrasting Incarcerated Individual

 

“This is just the first of many changes that we will see in the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Services,” said Commissioner Louis A. Molina.   “Jails, prisons, big houses, or whatever the fuck they have been called in the past, will soon be referred to as “State Lodging Facilities.”  Prison guards, or “screws” as they are affectionally referred to by incarcerated individuals, will become “Facility Associates” and their supervisor will be referred to as the “Facility Associates Concierge.”  

New sign to read: "Sing Sing State Lodging Facility

Asked by this reporter for his opinion as to the change, incarcerated individual #5877643 said: “Its ok by me whatever the motherfuckers want to call me, but I would be happier if they would get the bugs and rats out of our  State Lodging Facilities and give us some real food instead of the shit being served up to our brothers in the Lodging Facility Nutritional Lounge.” 

SHARK TANK FEATURES PANTIES FOR ORAL SEX

HOLLYWOOD – May 13, 2022 - Today, following yesterday’s New York Times article that announced that the FDA had approved panties for oral sex, Melonie Cristol, the owner of the Lorals brand of the approved panties, demonstrated its use during the filming of a Shark Tank episode. Both Barbara Corcoran and Lori Grenier volunteered for the demonstration while the male members of the cast watched intensely. Ms. Cristol asked for $500,000 for a two percent interest in her company, which had no reported sales but is expected to be featured on Amazon starting on June 15, the date that the Shark Tank will air on ABC. Kevin O’Leary, known as Mr. Wonderful, offered the $500,000 for just a $2.00 per panty royalty in perpetuity, saying that he could promote it along with all of his wedding products, but that offer was rejected by Ms. Cristol, who said that she wanted an equity partner. Although Mark Cuban and Damon John were interested, they bowed out of the bidding, recognizing that the sharks who would be the best partners for Ms. Cristol were Barbara and Lori, and suggested that in addition to the vanilla flavoring, she should consider Bar-B-Que for the southern markets and salsa flavoring for the California and Arizona markets. Surprisingly, none of the sharks were troubled by the lack of sales or profit projections. Lori beat out Barbara because she said that she would promote it heavily on QVC, offering demonstrations in the late-night editions of the show, and also market it in Bed Bath and Beyond, as well as in Whole Foods and her online website, Dildos-R-Us. Shark Robert Herjavec complimented Ms. Cristol but said he was out because she was a great entrepreneur and didn’t need a partner. Barbara said she didn’t think it was investable for her, but she would be a customer.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/12/health/fda-underwear-sti.html

New K95 Depends Provide Extra Covid Protection

New N95 Depends(c)

 NEENAH, WI – Kimberly-Clark© today announced the production of its new K19 Depends Mask. Developed with grants from the National Health Center, Johnson & Johnson© and the Harris for Election 2024 Committee, this product was the result of his reports to the CDC and the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis, that the Covid 19 Omicron Virus could be spread not only from nasal passages but “ from any bodily orifice.” 

 

Beware of Knock-Offs

First reported by Fox News, Dr. Anthony Fauci, President Biden’s health advisor,  explained: “The virus is throughout the body of a contaminated person, and nasal masks only capture the virus from one source.  My research has found that the virus is also spread by flatulence, known by some as ‘farts’.  While some of the virus is contained by wearing pants, that is no more effective than a simple cloth mask.  To combat
this, I have been sprinkling powdered carbon in my underpants.  That helps, but what was truly needed was underwear with N95 protection, and this product will do the trick.”  

 

The K95 Depends will initially become available in CVS, Walgreens, and Hobby Lobby.  “Beware of Chink knock-offs,” Fauci cautioned.

Senator Mankin wins the Arnold Award

Receives "Arnold Award"

The Koch Industries Charitable Foundation today announced its 2021 Arnold Award to Senator Joseph Manchin (D-W.VA.).  “Joe has exhibited his love for the United States by his announcement that he will not support the left-wing Build Better Back legislation proposed by the failing Biden Administration,” said David Koch.  “Just like Benedict, Joe’s action was decisive and took the government by surprise.”  The Arnold award provides a commission as a Kentucky Colonel, to be awarded in a ceremony hosted by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), an annual salary of £360, and a one-time grant of £6,316.  Additionally, one of the Koch coal mines in West Virginia will be renamed the Machin Mine.

Manchin Mine in West Virginia

No masks, No microchipped vaccines

Cecil Roberts, president of the United Mine Workers, lauded the award, stating:   “The predicted failure of the Build Better Back legislation means that our minors’ hard-earned tax dollars won’t be wasted on forcing our youngsters to be shuttled off to school before they are ready, thereby reducing carbon emission from those extra school busses.   Also, our members won’t have to wear those damn masks or get microchipped under the guise of the so-called vaccine.”

Says: "Shit"

 

When asked for a comment, Senate Majority Leader Charles “Chuck”  Schumer (D-NY), shrugged his shoulders and said: “Shit.”

CUOMO TO CLAIM SELF DEFENSE

 

Will Claim Self Defense

ALBANY, NY – In an exclusive report leaked to this reporter by Samuel Exophilia, the Clerk of the Albany County City Court, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to enter a plea of not guilty to the Forcible Touching misdemeanor charge filed by the Albany County Sheriff when arraigned on January 7.  According to Mr. Exophilia, Cuomo reportedly consulted Michigan attorney Mark Richards, who successfully used self-defense to secure a not guilty verdict on Kyle Rittenhouse's murder charges.  Based on the advice received, Mr. Cuomo will claim that he was simply trying to disarm what he perceived as two pointed dangerous weapons concealed beneath a female employee's sweater. In support of his defense, he will offer examples of dangerous weapons used by other women who have assaulted men with concealed spear-like weapons. "Hell, it's worth a shot," said an unidentified passerby who overheard my conversation with the Court Clerk.

Dangerous Weapons

 

Following his arraignment, Mr. Cuomo is expected to give an exclusive interview to his still shell-shocked brother, former CNN star Chris Cuomo. After his kamikaze dive from stardom, the latter is now a contributing reporter for the Sand Lake Advertiser

Ocasio-Cortez Wants Webb Telescope Launch Delayed

Investigation Needed ?

WASHINGTON – The December 22 launch of the Ten Billion Dollar Webb Telescope may be delayed if Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has her way.  The Webb Telescope was named after James Webb, who led the National Space Agency from 1961 through 1968 and was instrumental in the development of space research. 

 

Wants Launch Delay

Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is concerned that Mr. Webb, who was born in Granville County, North Carolina, may have had some slave-holding ancestors and believe that before his name is forever attached to this telescope, a thorough investigation should be made of his background.  She has suggested that Congress delay the telescope’s launch and employ renowned scholar Lewis Henry Gates, Jr., the host of the popular PBS television series, Finding Your Roots, to have a complete familiar history of Mr. Gates to determine if he had any slave-holding ancestors.  Dr. Gates, Jr., said that a search should not take more than eight to ten months, and he could report his findings on a special edition of Finding Your Roots

 

Further, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez questioned whether a man of his generation, who held many important management positions and was a military officer, may have made inappropriate sexual advances to his subordinates during his long career.  She has requested that any such victims come forward through her Twitter, Tik-Tok,  and other social media.  

 

 Needed to Watch Russian Buildup

When questioned by this reporter, The White House responded that the Webb Telescope could provide greater intelligence on the Russian buildup on the Ukrainian border and that it is imperative that the launch not be delayed, other than for weather or other technical reasons.


 

Gov. DeSantis to Provide Eulogy

CLEARWATER - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced today that he will provide the eulogy for the funeral of Winter the Dolphin, who passed away November 11.  "I was heartbroken to learn of Winter's passing," DeSantis said.  "While I mourn his loss, I know that he supported my policies as he never wore a mask even when swimming among crowds of visitors.  In fact, following my mandate, not one member of a school of fish in Florida has been required to wear a mask."

Following Governor DeSantis's eulogy, Winter will be towed by a Florida Department of Environmental Protection tugboat to Honeymoon Island State Park, where it will be buried in a casket adorned with water lilies.

"Considering that this is Florida, it is comforting to know that Winter died a natural death," DeSantis said.

  

FTC Announces New Diversity Advertising Rules

Washington DC - Today, Federal Trade Chairman Joseph J. Simons announced that the Commission has promulgated new rules to ensure diversity and honesty in television advertising.  

Chairman Simons

"All too often," Commissioner Simons said, "the television audience just sees lots of white folks having a good time in television advertising that is hawking everything from prescription medicines, automobile insurance, and feminine products.  This does not truly reflect America, now that it has been made great again, and the new rules will demonstrate that diversity is now shared by both sides of the political aisle."

In a nutshell, the rules provide:

1. Every TV commercial that includes two caucasian ("Cauc") actors must also include at least one actor from the following ethnic groups: African American ("Negro"), Native American ("Indian"), or Asian ("Slant").  A person of Spanish heritage will be deemed to be a Cauc, except for advertising in California, Arizona, Texas, Florida, and New Mexico, where they will be referred to as "Latino" and will be included in the list of diverse Ethnic Actor Americans.

2. Negro actors must have a skin tone equal to or darker than Sherwin Williams 3522 Banyon Brown semi-transparent stain, or darker.

3. The Ethnic Actors must smile during the commercial, except in advertising described in Rule 6, below.

4. Every TV commercial for a bank or other financial institution must have an Ethnic Actor as a manager or loan officer.  White security guards will be unarmed and will open doors for Ethnic Actors.

5.    Luxury automobile dealers' ads must have either an Ethnic Actor as a salesperson or manager, or an Ethnic Actor as a purchaser, or both.

6. Advertising for hotels, restaurants, and other large venues that show groups of ten or more individuals must, in addition to a sole Ethnic Actor, must show at least one mixed-race couple and an obvious gay or lesbian of any ethnicity.  As an option, a drag queen may be substituted for a gay or lesbian actor.  [Note: certain hotel chains may apply for an exemption to this rule.]

6.   Ads for prescription pharmaceuticals may not show any actors laughing, smiling, or otherwise displaying joyful conduct during the listing or reading of the medicine's side effects. Looks of wonderment during such times are permitted at the discretion of the advertiser.  

" It should be noted that although the majority of the FTC commissioners were appointed by our current Great Leader, the proposed rules have been favorably commented upon by none other than Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ("AOC").  "The adoption of these rules will become effective following the mandatory 90 review and comment period, God willing," said Commissioner Simons.

President Trump to Get Covid Vaccine

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump’s physician, Sean Conley, today announced that he will be administering President Trump with a special Covid vaccine.  Electing to shun either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines that have just become available, President Trump has elected to be vaccinated with a 70/30 percent solution of 

Contains 30% Chlorox

hydroxychloroquine and Chlorox.  “That bastard Fauci is hawking this other shit,” said the Donald, “but Rush said that this new combination is better than the crap that they are giving Biden, the father of that crook, Hunter.”  

Dr. Conley

According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, many Republican members of the Senate and House of Representatives will also elect to follow the president’s lead.  “You can’t get off the Trump train now,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, or the President will unleash a Twitter shitstorm against you.”

DISNEY OPENS AMID COVID 19 AND OTHER ISSUES

Donald has Colibacillosis

ORLANDO – Walt Disney World opened today amidst the worst outbreak of the Covid 19 Virus yet to hit Florida.  While masks and social distancing are required, visitors are unable

to get the full “Disney Experience.”  Although guests are greeted by Goofy, its main stars, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck,  are nowhere in sight.

“We have had several medical issues of late,” said Disney veterinarian Horatio DeSantis.  “First, Donald came down with Colibacillosis, which he has been treating with some antibiotics mixed into his mash.  He seems to be responding, but it may be a couple of weeks before he greets guests, and then we can’t design a proper face mask for him.”

Covid 19 + Clap

“More seriously,” DeSantis said, “Mickey Mouse is showing the symptoms of the Covid 19 Virus, on top of which he is still recovering from a dose of the clap, which he undoubtedly got from that slut, Minnie.”

Minnie the Slut

Minnie Mouse has not been in attendance either, and rumor has it that she is on medication for a candidiasis infection, but she is expected to be back on stage by next weekend.

Kimberly-Clark to Manufacture Face Masks

Washington DC: President Donald Trump today, under the authority of the Defense Production Act, today directed Kimberly Clark International of Neenah, Wisconsin, to manufacture 50,000,000 face masks. “Kimberly Clerk (sic) is a great American company,” Trump said during his regular late afternoon press conference, “I know their products well, as I use their ‘Cottenelle’ toilet tissue to wipe my ass.”

The president’s order will not affect the company’s ability to produce Cottonelle, which like other tissue products, is in short supply due to hoarding by affluent Americans who purchased large quantities at Costco, Sam’s Club, and supermarkets. Jordan G. Jordan, Kimberly Clark’s senior vice president in charge of production, said that the president’s directive would force the company to switch the manufacture of its Kotex sanitary pads to the production of the face masks. “We will simply add ear loops to our Maxi-Pads, and that should do the trick,” Jordan said. “When the Covid-19 crisis is over, many of our face mask customers will find other uses for any surplus masks.”

The president’s action resulted from a suggestion by Senior Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner, who came up with the idea while rummaging through Ivanka’s bathroom drawers.

Pre-Production Face Mask

Shark Tank Funds Mothers' Milk

NEW YORK – Shark Tank Members Join in Unusual Funding.  In an episode to be aired Sunday evening, April 26th, (ABC, 9:00 PM EDT – check local listing), the five regular cast members of Shark Tank fought each other to fund one of the most unusual start-up companies, Mothers’ Milk, LLC©.  Entrepreneur Wilston Hickey of Chlamydia, Arkansas, asked for $250,000 for a 10% stake in his venture.  His company, which employs approximately three hundred wet nurses that supply genuine mothers' milk to mothers throughout the United States.  

Suzzi Hickey

At first, appearing incredulous when hearing Hickey’s pitch, the entire cast soon realized that he was presenting an unusual investment opportunity.  Hickey explained that he started his business when his teenage daughter, Suzzi, was offered a job as a wet nurse by a local Republican congresswoman who didn’t have time to nurse her own baby.  Suzzi had stopped nursing her child, Washington Hickey after he started kindergarten, but the milk kept coming and the wet nurse job paid well.  Suzzie mentioned that many of her friends had excess milk, and some had sold some on Craigslist.  After putting an ad on Facebook, Hickey was swamped with offers to both sell and buy real mothers' milk.  He quickly realized that the sale of mothers' milk, properly marketed, could supplement his meager income as a roadkill chef in a local restaurant.

Suzzi passed out samples to the Sharks, but only Keven O’Leary tasted the sample and said that it compared very favorably for some mothers milk that he had drunk a couple of months prior to the taping of the show.  

Asked about the economics, Hickey said that he pays his “herd” $1.15 per pint, and sells it locally for $4.50 if picked up at his storefront “dairy”, but $15.00 online, including overnight UPS.  He is hoping to get into Whole Foods and possibly Krogers in the near future.  

While impressed with the margins, Robert Herjavec said it would not fit into his investment portfolio and declined, as did Mark Cuban who did not see a sports-related market for the product.

Daymond John showed an interest, particularly since many of her herd were probably minority women, considering that the company is based in Arkansas.  He declined to invest, however, saying that it would be a conflict with his investment in “Bovine Mama”, which offered a similar product in the mid-Atlantic states.

O’Leary declined to invest because he didn’t think it had licensing possibilities, but Shark Barbara Cocoran jumped in and made the investment, stating that it would fit in nicely with her other food product investments.

Musk's Boring Company Gets Mexican Contract

Mexico City - April 2, 2020.                                                                                                 Elon Musk announced that The Boring Company has received a contract to construct multiple tunnels at undisclosed locations in Mexico.  The Boring Company has completed one tunnel to convey automobiles and pedestrians in Las Vegas and is in the process of completing a second one.  The company is also negotiating with the city of Chicago for the construction of a tunnel from downtown to its nearby airport.  "This will be The Boring Company's first contract to construct tunnels in a foreign country and the first with a privately-owned customer," Musk announced at a joint press conference with El Mencho, the CEO of The Cartel Jalisco Nueva Generacion.

Boring Company Flamethrower

 Although details of the contract have not been announced, the contract will provide for the construction of the tunnels in northern Mexico. As a bonus for Musk, the contracting party is also expected to order several performance models of the Tesla Model X as well as the Cybertruck. "I bought mucho numbers of The Boring Company's flamethrower," said El Mencho, "and my company found many out-of-the-box uses for them." (Spanish to English translation supplied by Google Translate).

Trump Order Cell Phone Ventilators

WASHINGTON, DC March 30, 2020
President Trump today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require cell phone manufacturers to produce programs that will make everyone's mobile phone into a ventilator.  "I have today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require Apple and Google to make programs, sometimes called 'apps' that will make their cell phones into ventilators.  I told Tim Cook that I want the iPhones to work by holding them up to a person's nose and have lifesaving oxygen come out of the speaker holes, and the guy with a foreign-sounding name who runs Google to make a program so that the adenoids (sic) phones do the same."    Trump told a press conference on the Rose Garden lawn that this was entirely possible by Dr. Ben Carson, and easily done.  "It will be beautiful", Trump said. The programs will be available on the iTunes store for a nominal charge or can be downloaded free on the www.makeamericagreatagain.net website starting Good Friday.

Sanders Wants Medicare for Pets

Burlington, VT - Socialist Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders today announced that his Medicare for All will include coverage for pets.  "Why should cats, rabbits, dogs, and even pet birds do without proper health care",  Sanders said from his home where he is recovering from a recent heart attack. " I know that a lot of folks whose income puts them below the poverty line cannot afford proper veterinary care for the animal members of their household.  Under the Sanders plan, even those damn pit bulldogs would be covered, and I know that coverage will be appreciated by the African American Community."

When pressed for more details, Sanders did impose conditions, however.  He did not want the free coverage to apply to pets that were imported without going through the lawful immigration procedures, but would apply, for instance, to puppies born in the United States to illegally imported bitches.  "Sort of like the Dreamers program that I have been fighting for", he said. "Pre-existing conditions will be covered, such as hoof and mouth disease for pet horses."

Before drifting off for his afternoon nap, Mr. Sanders also told this reporter (off the record, because it has not yet been discussed with his staff), that he is considering free dog training for puppies at no cost, with classes to be provided by local community colleges.

"I will announce these important additions at the next Democratic debate, provided my stents hold", he said.

Democratic Debate Thursday June 27, 2019

MIAMI – Thursday evening, June 27, the remaining “top 20” Democratic candidates will debate on NBC, its English-speaking affiliates, and Telemundo.

Not to be outdone by Wednesday’s candidates, who annoyed many non-Hispanic viewers and members of the audience by mumbling something in Spanish, the candidates tonight are taking a different tact:  Bernie Sanders will start by entering the platform dancing the horah, and greeting the hosts with “shalom.”  Mr. Bennet will apologize that he can’t speak Spanish and has a difficult time with English.  Mr. Yang will read from a fortune cookie.  Pamela Harris will simply wear a small sign that says, “Yes, I too speak Spanish, but I would prefer to spend my time speaking to the 90% of viewers who would not understand.”  Mr. Swalwell will demonstrate his proficiency in Pig Latin by starting his first answer with: “atwhay ethay uckfay amyay iyay oingday erehay anywayyay?”  Kristin Gellibrand will end her final statement with an apology to the voters of Minnesota for her rush to the judgment of Senator Al Franken. Joe Biden will apologize profusely for all the things he did during his many years of public service but may stray away from the podium to give Ms. Williamson a back rub from time to time. Mayor Buttigieg, wearing a rainbow tie and speaking in Ebonics, will assure the African-American residents of South Bend that he will employ more police officers, but will not give the white officers any weapons.  Mr. Hickenlooper will just stand around looking like a Hickenlooper.

Tune in tonight at 9:00 pm. EDT!