Military to Celebrate Inaguration of Donald Trump

THE PENTAGON – Joint Chief of Staff Chairman General Joe Dunford announced today that members of the military services will celebrate the inauguration of their new Commander in Chief, Donald P. Trump, on January 20, with a special meal.

No Trump Steaks for these sailors

“President-elect Trump has graciously offered to give the famed “Trump Steaks” to the military services, and our service members all around the globe will enjoy the finest steaks, along with the canned vegetables and the usual crap that our chefs produce.  Unfortunately, members of our submarine fleet won’t be included in the Trump Steak event because of difficulty in making the deliveries to them", General Dunford remarked.  “Shit, we don’t know where most of them are, since they just swim around the oceans underwater for months at a time, but they have plenty of MRE (packaged meals-ready-to-eat)”, he said.

“This is a win-win situation,” Donald Trump, Jr. said. “We have tons of steaks in cold storage that is costing us a bunch.  We donate the steaks to the Trump Foundation for distribution, get a tax break for the gift, eliminate the storage costs, and the soldiers and WACs get a great meal.”

“We are making America great again”, Eric Trump joined in. 

 

Making America Great Again

Publishers Clearing House Winners

William (Bill) Jose-Frump, Recent Winner

PORT WASHINGTON – Publishers Clearing House representatives today declined to comment on a report by Julian Assage, posted by Wikileaks, that the recent winners of its $5,000.00 A-Week-Forever were residents of hospice facilities.  “Although the chances of winning the contest are 1 in 2,600,000,000, as disclosed in our advertising” Halcyon Goldberg-Fitzgerald, Publishers Clearing House public relations director commented,  “it was just coincidence that 2 of our most recent winners were residents of hospice or were receiving palliative care.  The third most recent winner, William (‘Bill’) Jose-Frump, is a spry, healthy World War I veteran.” 

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Chance to Win.

Donald Trump Creates Email Account

Mail.ru Offices

TRUMP TOWER – President-Elect Donald P. Trump announced today that he has opened an email account to connect better with the American public and his worldwide friends.  “Twitter is great and will continue to be my preferred form of communication with everyone,” The Donald said, “but my trusted former friend, what’s-his-name from New Jersey (sad!) 

What's-his-name

  once suggested that I need more than 149 things, then Twitter lets me have to let everyone know what is on my mind.  I was going to open an AOL account, but my current best friend, Vlad, suggested that I use an account that is never hacked, so following his advice, I have arranged for my new email account to start January 20, 2017, so that I can send my longer thoughts and receive congratulatory emails at potus@mail.ru.  I will not use this address for official email like Crooked Hillary did."

Crooked Hillary

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Trump Saves Another 6 Jobs

North Rutland, VT – President-Elect Donald P. Trump made a visit to this remote village today to announce that he has persuaded The George George Toothpick Company to remain in the United States.  George George, the owner of the company which employees 6 workers, including 4 members of the George family, from relocating to Brazil. 

Mr. George said that the planned relocation was inspired by inexpensive wood available from the clearing of the Amazon rain forests, and the sunny climate.  “Also, Bernie won’t be there to try and shove Obamacare and free tuition down our throads”, he said.  [Note, Mr. George did say “throads”, when he obviously meant “throats”.]

CutePick

President-Elect Trump used a carrot and stick approach in persuading Mr. George to reconsider the relocation.  While threatening a 35% tariff on toothpicks manufactured in countries other than the United States, which would cut deeply into the $8,000 monthly sales of toothpicks that his company now enjoys in the sale of his banner product, the “Cutepick” to Whole Foods and the A & P grocery chain, Mr. Trump offered Mr. George an incentive package to relocate his manufacturing facility to Indiana, where Governor and Vice President-Elect Mike Pence will provide a ten-year tax relief package and a $750,000 grant, providing the relocation occurs not later than January 19, 2017. 

“It’s a win-win solution”, Mr. George said, “and mostly I win.”  Mr. Trump gave Mr. George a USA baseball cap and helicoptered off to meet with officials of a maple syrup company that has threatened to move its maple trees from Vermont to Mexico.  

Donald J. Trump's DNA Hacked

SANTA CRUZ - 23 and Me today announced that its laboratory reports have been hacked and leaked to Wikileaks.org.  Among the personal information obtained by the hackers, who are not linked to the Russian government or the Clinton campaign, are the DNA results of presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.

According to the leaked reports, Mr. Trump's DNA shows that his DNA is linked as follows:  40 percent to Orangatang, 20 percent to Nazi, 30 percent to African-American, and 10 percent to Ashkenazi Jewish moneylenders.

Donald's Second Cousin Will Get Administration Job

Upset with DNA Results

23 and Me expressed its consternation that its laboratory results have been hacked.  Mr. Trump has asked that his friend, former U.S. Attorney and Mayor of NYC to "sniff out the bastard who did this.  I wouldn't put it past Lying Ted Cruz or Little Marco.  Jeb! has too low energy to have been responsible.

Reverse Mortgage Lender Ditches Henry Winkler As Spokesman

Mr. Winkler

CLEVELAND - One Reverse Mortgage Company, a subsidiary of Quicken Loans, today announced that it is dropping actor Henry Winkler, who starred as Fonzie on Happy Days, and currently stars in Better Late Than Never on NBC, as its television spokesman.  "This change was not done without a great deal of thought and research, since many of the old farts who sit on the advertising committee of the Quicken Board of Directors still have a warm spot in their hearts for Henry", said Heinrich Quick, the Board of Directors chairman.  "We just haven't had the results we were hoping for, as many of the old folks who were our prospective customers don't remember Henry's great performances in Happy Days, and most just sit around drooling or have Alzheimer's.

Mr. Thompson

Mr. Selleck

 Our first TV spokesman was Fred Thompson, a former Senator, and actor, but he did so poorly in his failed run for president that we ditched him.  Even our competitor, American Advisors Company, dropped Tom Selleck, star of Three Men and a Baby, its TV spokesman for the same reasons."
  

Professor Kaczynski

Mr. Quick went on to announce a new strategy for reverse mortgage advertising.  "A study conducted by the same organization used by Depend® Underwear‎  pads came to the conclusion that we would do better advertising with an endorsement of a mathematician since it is the younger generation who make the final decision on whether or not their aging parents should buy a reverse mortgage.  They want to see real numbers, not just look at some has-been actor or failed religious-nut failed politician.  After a nationwide search, we engaged a gentleman with a degree from Harvard and a Ph.D. in mathematics from the University of Michigan, where he had a National Science Foundation fellowship.  Mr.Kaczynski was a mathematics professor at the University of California, Berkeley.  For several years he has resided in Florence, Colorado, and he has assured us that he will develop a compelling case to persuade the older people to buy into our program. Unfortunately, his schedule does not permit him to record TV commercials, so in the future, we will resort to direct mail."

Transgender Bathroom Firestorm Rages On

Malibu, CA - This reporter consulted a Liberty University/WSJ  poll recently and found that the public is more interested in what bathrooms transgender individuals use than, for example, who is winning the Syrian civil war or who Jill Stein is. Being the reporter that I am, I jumped on the issue.  

Many states have passed laws that require that transgender persons use the bathroom based on their birth gender as shown on their birth certificates, some states permit transgenders to use the bathroom for the sex that they currently associate themselves with, and some states just don't give a crap. (Possibly a poor choice of words, in retrospect.)

Luckily, I was able to interview two of the most famous transgender persons to get their views on the issue.  First, I spoke to Chaz Bono, born Chastity Bono. Asked which public bathroom she-he uses, Chaz said that she uses a men's room, but always goes to the privacy of a stall with a door.  "I once tried peeing at a urinal, but lacking the necessary physical appendage, the urine just ran down my thighs. It stained my pants, and I got a lot of strange looks from some black guy at the next urinal."

Next, I happened to run into Caitlyn Jenner at a Rexall Drug Store, where he-she was shopping for condoms and sanitary pads.  "Caitlyn", I said, "where do you go to pee?"  With a deep-throated laugh, the he-she told me that she always uses a woman's room restroom when out in public, since everyone has the privacy of a stall.  "At home", he-she continued, "I am just like every other guy.  I pee standing up, except at night, when I sit down to pee.  In the privacy of my backyard at home, I just raise my dress, pull down my panties, and whip it out.  Its habit."