AARP Endorses ISIL

ISIL Flag

AARP Flag

DETROIT  - The Michigan affiliate of AARP today announced that it has accepted a request to give the ISIL (sometimes known as ISIS) its endorsement.  “While AARP does not usually endorse, or even accept advertisements of a political nature” said Rufus Booker T. Nixon, the executive director of AARP, “we have decided to make this exception on a trial basis.”

Mr. Nixon pointed out that the AARP has always prostituted itself out by selling its endorsement to almost any company or group that will pay its fee, including such corporate giants as United Health Care, Hartford Insurance, and The Hemlock Society. 

“The younger population of Detroit, in particular, has shown great interest and some support for ISIL, but we feel that our older members may not be sure that it is socially acceptable to support this new, emerging state.  The AARP endorsement will certainly put them at ease, especially since they will know that it is not Al-Qaeda.”

Mr. al-Baghdadi

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the head of the so-called Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) told this reporter “the AARP endorsement will give our new nation the acceptance of many Americans, and will help the AARP in its drive to recruit new AARP members in the mid-east.”  “Shit” * said al-Baghdadi, we steal enough oil in Syria and Iraq in ten minutes to pay for the endorsement.”

 “In accordance with the AARP endorsement, our organization has agreed to publish articles in forthcoming AARP journals explaining the wisdom of Sharia Law, and that it does not require the immediate killing of Christians and Jews,” said Nixon.  “I am assured that ISIL respects the concept of due process of law for some.”

While most Republican presidential hopefuls were awaiting talking points on the subject from their financial backers, Donald Trump said that he did not have a problem with the AARP endorsement.  “They are not raping our women, stealing American jobs, or bleeding from their eyes and wherever,” said Trump.

Candidate Trump

 * Translated from Farsi by Google Translate ©

Trump trumps Walter James Parker

Donald Trump

Dr. Parker and the late Cecil

New York City - Presidential candidate and real estate mogul Donald Trump today said that Walter James Parker, the dentist who hunted and shot Cecil, a beloved lion, in Zimbabwe last week, is not a great sportsman and that Cecil is not as impressive a trophy as his own trophy lion.

"Shit", said Trump.  "Mexicans shoot lions all the time, and also smuggle dope and rape women.  I assume, however, that some of the lions they shoot are also loved animals, although I guess that Mexican lions look like big feral cats."

Leo is in his prime.

Leo Mounted

"I, myself" continued The Donald, hunted and shot the best-known lion of all times, Leo, the MGM Lion.  


That sucker was through roaring when I got through with him.  Just one shot is all it took, as he was being walked to an MGM sound stage.  Now, Leo was a good-looking animal, and I had him mounted.  When I get to the White House, Leo will be in the Oval Office."

"I'll bet that  Hillary wouldn't shoot a lion if it was about to bite her in the ass," he said. "Or the pussy."

Prisoners to Join Search For Escapees

Governor Cuomo

Dannemora  - Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced that trustee prisoners from the Clinton County penitentiary will join state and local police in searching for the escapees from that facility.  

"The use of trustee prisoners to aid in the search for Richard Matt and David Sweat makes sense", Cuomo said.  "The police and volunteers that have been tracking Mr. Matt and Mr. Sweat are now dog tired and could use a rest.  The trustee prisoners are rested, fit as a fiddle, and would enjoy a few days out in the fresh Adirondack air.  Also, they could certainly identify the escapees, with whom they have socialized for several years." The trustee prisoner searchers will be paid forty cents an hour and camp out in tents provided by the National Guard.  

Escapees Matt & Sweat

When asked by this reporter whether the prisoners who would be used in the search might not themselves run away, Governor Cuomo discounted that possibility.  "The warden has assured me that these men that will be utilized in the search are completely loyal and trustworthy.  That is why they are called 'trustees'".

Instead of prison garb, the new searchers will wear military-style camouflage outfits that will distinguish them from regular police officers. Distinguished arm patches are being designed which will feature the New York State seal in the center, and the words "Trustee Searcher" in a surrounding ring.  "Cool weather gear is being put out for bid, since the search is expected to continue into fall and possibly winter," a spokesman for the New York State Office of General Services said.

Caitlyn Jenner Gets $$$$$ For Endorsement

HOLLYWOOD - George Zygote, Caitlyn Jenner's business manager and agent today announced that Caitlyn had signed a 7 figure contract to endorse Monistat vaginal creme.  "Caitlyn is the hottest property for commercial endorsements," Zygote said.  "Caitlyn and Monistat will kick off an advertising blitz in the next issue of Vanity Fair magazine, and Caitlyn will soon be seen in Monistat's TV commercials, probably riding a horse on a beach, sort of like the old Tampax commercials of a couple of decades ago."

In an interview with this reporter, Caitlyn said "When I was Bruce and my nuts itched, I could just scratch them.  That was perfectly acceptable for men and probably still is.  However, it would be crude for me to scratch my lady parts, and Monistat is a lifesaver for me. Kris told me that Monistat is the best remedy on the market.  God, I never knew what an itch was until my first yeast infection."

Back in Newtown, Connecticut, Harold Kardashian, the Newtown High School track coach, said that the school would consider renaming its Blue and Gold Stadium the "Caitlyn Jenner Stadium" if she makes a substantial donation to the school's athletic program.  The stadium had been named the Bruce Jenner Stadium for about 25 years, but it was renamed in 2002 when Jenner failed to help with requested fundraising for its renovation. "Bruce was a great athlete", Kardashian said, and an all-around great student.  In addition to football and track, I believe that he was in the band and played the skin flute."

Zygote said that he is exploring additional endorsement opportunities for Caitlyn, and might soon start marketing a perfume, "Caitlyn Smells", which will be sold at Macy's and Dick's Sporting Goods.

Dennis Rodman Appointed Nuclear Weapons Broker

Kim and Dennis discuss marketing strategy

Pyongyang, North Korea - North Korean president Kim Jong-Un today announced that his government has appointed former basketball star Dennis Rodman as its official weapons broker. Rodman, who has made several visits to President Kim Jong-Un, his "dear friend for life", in the past couple of years, has formed Nuke, LLC, a limited liability company registered in Tehran, Iran.

"Nuke, LLC, will market North Korean technology to the technology and weapons starved middle eastern nations," said Rodman.  Although my company has only been in business for a couple of days, I have already been approached by the representative of a mid-eastern country which indicated its desire to purchase several nuclear weapons from North Korea.  I have been assured that the proposed purchases are for peaceful use only", said Rodman.  He declined, however, to identify the proposed purchaser or his compensation agreement with his dear friend for life.

"Unlike other African-American athletes who have formed record companies, invested in restaurants and bars, or just shacked up with white broads, I have formed an organization which will have a global impact and helps maintain the high employment of workers in the Asian part of the world."

[Note:  Mr. Rodman's statements were originally made in Ebonics, but have been translated for this report by Rev. Al Sharpton]

Dennis is "fucking it up"

United States Secretary of State John Kerry was clearly unhappy with the Jong-Un - Rodman deal.  "This could fuck up our negotiations that are designed to keep Israel safe until at least the end of the Obama administration", Kerry said.

Lady Feeds Dog Beneful Dog Food - Loses Best Friend

Tacoma - Georgiana Smuts -Link of the neighboring community of Hosego, reported that she had fed her dog, Boehner, a 4-year-old cocker spaniel, Beneful dog food for approximately seven months.  Yesterday, she lost her best friend.


Susan Quan, her best friend, was hit by a Walmart truck that was bringing Beneful dog food, among other things, to the Tacoma Walmart Store. Susan died at the scene.  "I really miss Susan, as she was my best friend", said Georgiana.  "I could always go to the pound and get another dog, but a friend like Susan is difficult to replace."

The Walton family members had no comment, other than to express their condolences to Georgiana and offer her two 25 pound bags of Beneful Prime.

Viagra App for Apple Watch

Saratoga Springs, NY - Viagra today announced that it has created

Viagra

an application for the Apple Watch which was unveiled in Cupertino, California, on September 9.  The Viagra App will be available on the iTunes shortly after IOS 8 is launched, and will be named "Frisky".   Frisky will be free to download, but its use requires the purchase and use of the Apple Watch and iPhone.   Frisky will reside on the Apple Watch wearer's iPhone.

Apple Watch

The Apple Watch has built in health monitoring capabilities, and many applications to check vital signs such as pulse, blood pressure, bladder capacity, as well as other health items, including dandruff, acne, and chlamydia.  (Although an application to detect Alzheimer's Disease was developed, it will not be available because Apple engineers believe that a wearer who in fact has Alzheimer's Disease would not understand the notification.)

Frisky works quite simply.  When the Apple Watch wearer swallows a Viagra pill and its active ingredient, sildenafil,  enters the blood stream, the iWatch sends a Bluetooth signal to the user's iPhone.  That signal immediately enables Location Services on the iPhone, and starts the iPhone clock timer.  In the event that the iWatch continues to show the presence of sildenafil in blood after 4 hours, the application presumes that the user still has an erection, and

iPhone Timer

immediately dials 911.  When the call is answered by the 911 call center, a recorded message gives the iPhone location and Siri says the following: "There is a man at this location who has an erection lasting more than 4 hours.  Please send medical help immediately."
(As an option, Siri will say, in Spanish, "Hay un hombre en este lugar que tiene una erección que dura más de 4 horas . Por favor enviar ayuda médica de inmediato.")

Frisky 2.0, due out in early Spring 2015, will also display calories used during sexual intercourse, and performance satisfaction on a 1 - 10 scale.

This medical advance in technology was made possible by the use of Apple's new HealthKit© development program.  It is rumored that Cialis is working on a similar program, but it will be limited to having Siri give self-help medical advice, such as telling the wearer to pack his penis in ice.  That app, still unnamed, has yet to be tested by both Apple and the FDA.

ISIS Flag Contract Awarded

Detroit, MI - The Betsy Ross Flag Co, Inc. of Detroit (NASDAQ: BRFC)  today announced that it had been awarded a contract to manufacture the ISIS (also known as ISIL) flag for that organization.  The initial order was for 10,000 flags of various sizes, but ISIS procurement agent Khalid Bin Ali El-Hoori told this reporter that he expects to place additional orders in the future as his organization grows in size, both in membership and geographical areas it controls. 

"We chose Betsy Ross because of its fine reputation for quality" El-Hoori said.  "The company is a member of The Flag Manufacturers

Association of America, and we have been assured that all of our flags will bear the Association's "Certified Made in the U.S.A." label.  The fact that the flags will be American made is consistent with the place of manufacture of most of our weapons, which we recently obtained in

El-Hoori

the former Iraq, now part of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant."

"Detroit is pleased to welcome Betsy Ross" said Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan.  "In order to fill its contract with ISIS, Betsy Ross will open a factory in a Detroit Empowerment Zone, which will give it several tax advantages.  Those tax advantages give Betsy Ross a cost of production advantage over its competitors, and I feel certain that other Jihadists will also seek to have Betsy Ross make their symbolic flags, and come to Detroit to buy Jeeps for their troops and Chrysler 200 sedans for their leaders."

Let's bomb the shit out of Detroit

Government officials in Washington were slow to react to the news.  While the Obama administration had no immediate comment, waiting to see the reaction of Jon Stewart and other late night pundits, some congressmen were quick to react.  

Rep. Paul Ryan said that he favors a tax break for Betsy Ross and all American corporations no matter what they produce or who they produce it for.

 Sen. John McCain said "I think  we should  bomb the shit out of Detroit."

Tim Cook Challenges Hackers

Tim Cook

Cupertino, CA - Apple CEO Tim Cook today reiterated his statement that the Apple iCloud was not the cause of hackers posting celebrity nude photos that they claimed that they downloaded from the iCloud.  Among the celebrities whose photos have been circulated on the web are Jennifer Lawrence and Kirsten Dunst.  (It has been rumored that nude photos of Hillary Clinton were going to be circulated, but her press secretary, Hannah ("Sweetie Pie") Gorg, denied that Ms. Clinton had an iCloud account, and said that she and Bill store their intimate photos on Dropbox.

"Dong gone it" quipped Cook, "I am going to prove the security of iCloud once and for all by posting nude and intimate photos of me, my family, and even our pet donkey on the iCloud.  I mean even full nude frontal shots, although the donkey photo will be a side photograph of Dirk."

Dirk the Donkey

When reached for comment, Ms. Lawrence and Ms. Dunst said that in retrospect the photos have given them some great publicity that will invigorate their waning careers.  "I am going to order the iPhone 6" said Ms. Lawrence, but Ms. Kirsten said that she had switched to the Galaxy smart phone but hasn't yet learned how to operate it. 

In Moscow, Edward Snowden told a CNN interviewer that the photos were leaked by the NSA, which has a 23 person staff who just download nudes and pornography, mostly for their own entertainment.

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS TO BE RENAMED

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WASHINGTON DC - The national trade association of drug and pharmaceuticals, Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America® today announced a sweeping change in the manner in which prescription drugs are marketed.  Starting January 1, 2015, the prescription pharmaceutical products will be renamed to make them more user-friendly.  At the suggestion of the Federal Food and Drug Administration and NASA, prescription drugs will be given common names, just like tropical storms and hurricanes.  For example, Pfizer’s Protonix, its street name for pantprazole sodium, will simply be renamed “Peter”, which is much easier to remember.  (In some border states such as Arizona and Texas, it will be also available under the name “Pedro”.

 Some drug names will not be changed, however, because their drug names are household words, like Xerox or Kotex.  For example, aspirin will still be called aspirin, and sildenafil citrate will continue to be marketed under the name Viagra.  However, less well-known drugs will receive new common names, randomly selected from baby names lists.  Some drugs have already been assigned new names, such as “Jordan” for isosorbide dinitrate, and “Billy” for isosorbide mononitrate.  The FDA will make the name assignments to avoid conflicts among the several manufacturers.

sildenafil citrate

“Think how much easier will be for patients,” said L. Horatio Gumm, the Consumer Advocate of PhRMA.  “When asking for a prescription for Viagra, for example, your physician will simply ask if you are currently taking Jordan or Billy, instead of the current chemical names which hardly anyone, including many drug chain pharmacists can remember.” 

A shortlist of pharmaceutical names has been released, and is shown below.

"Billy", formerly isosorbide mononitrate.

Old Name                           New Name fisosorbide mononitrate Billy  isosorbide dinitrate Jordan sildenafil citrate Viagra (unchanged) Tramadol Suzi medical marijuana Dr. Mary Jane pravastatin sodium Walter Diazepam Sasha pantprazole sodium Peter (Pedro in some markets)

Shark Tank Millionaire Funds New Condom

Inventor Wilston Hickey

NEW YORK - Shark Tank millionaire Robert Herjavec fought off  two other Shark Tank members to win the right to invest in "Dip  Your Wick", at an episode to be aired during September 2014.    Inventor Wilston Hickey, a 77-year-old college dropout, originally from Troy, New York, received $169,000 in funding  a 10% interest in his company, Dip Your Wick, LLC,  a North Dakota limited liability company.

Mr. Hickey said that he was inspired to invent Dip Your Wick when browsing at a Home Depot store in Fargo, where he presently resides.  He noticed the plastic tool coatings in the paint department, which enable tools to be coated with a rubber or plastic coating.  Hickey bought a can of Plasti Dip to coat the rusting handles of his pliers, but when doing so he accidentally spilled some on his most private part, which quickly coated it.

"It was like a gift from Allah", Hickey told the Shark Tank members.  "This is way easier than wrestling with  a Trojan if you haven't had Daily Cialis".  After trying different combinations of products and application methods, he finally developed Dip Your Wick in both an aerosol spray-on product and a traditional can to which a male penis can be quickly dipped prior to lovemaking.

Barbara Cochran

Hickey has applied for a utility patent, and the application is pending.  Because of the unusual sensitivity of the product, the Shark Tank members (other than Barbara Cochran) went to a screened-in area to try out a sample, and were duly impressed with the ease of use.  During the negotiations with Mr. Hickey, Barbara quickly announced  "I'm out", but some of the other four investors made various offers and commented favorably about the product.

Robert Herjavec

Damon John

Asked what the funding will be used for, Hickey said that he will use it to experiment with expanding the line to offer various colors and flavors, "just like Trojan," and for some advertising in Hustler,  Ebony,  and Cosmos magazines.   At the present time, Dip Your Wick is available only in jet black and linen colors.  Damon John, who tried the linen sample, was very impressed, although he believed that the off-white color made his penis look small.  At the same time, Robert Herjavec said that he was excited after trying the jet black sample.  "I feel like a real African American stud", Herjavec said.  Damon John offered the $169,000 but demanded a 51% equity interest in the company.  Mark Cuban just laughed but said that he doubted whether his team members would use the product, and therefore he was out.  Billionaire Kevin O'Leary offered Hickey the requested $169,000, but in turn wanted a $1.00 per unit royalty in perpetuity, an offer that was rejected on Barbara's advice.

Advertising for Dip Your Wick will appear in print and online ads starting in October, and may be demonstrated on QVC.

Washington Redskins to Change Name

Team Owner Snyder

WASHINGTON - This reporter has exclusively learned that the Washington Redskins NFL team owner has agreed to change the name of his football team, following the double whammy of the United States Patent Office removing its trademark, and a rumor that team owner Donald Snyder once, in a private conversation, mentioned that the team had a "nigger" player.

Sports Analyst Savannah Guthrie

Team Logo

The compromise, to be announced on NBC's Monday Night Football by NBC's sports analyst, Savannah Guthrie, will change the name of the team to "Washington Injuns".  No change will be made to the team's logo.

 Not all Redskin Americans were satisfied with the name change.  Chief Geronimo Schwartz, who acts as counsel and spokesperson for the Native American Casino Owners Association (NACOA), likened Mr. Snyder to George Custer, although when questioned at length, Chief Schwartz said that the change of the team's name to the Washington Injuns might prove beneficial to the tribes he represents since they own the "Injuns" trademark, and might be able to cut a licensing deal with Snyder.  He said that he will explore that possibility on a new segment of ABC's "Shark Tank" later this summer.

Chief Geronimo Schwartz