EDITORIAL!

While this reporter usually just reports the news to my readers, the time has come when I feel it necessary to share my opinion regarding the unfortunate proliferation of what is commonly called “fake news”.  Domestic scallywags, pundits, and political operatives, to say nothing of Russia and other foreign nations, have flooded the media with untrue statements designed to confuse the electorate and influence our elections.  To me, this is deplorable and I will have no part of it.

I have fought long and hard to ensure that my readers receive only news that passes the “truthfulness” test.  You may have noticed that I always have, and always will quote named sources, some of whom are among the top governmental and political elite.  Even though I receive the information directly from these individuals, and not from a third party or anonymous sources, I check every fact with Snopes and Wikileaks before releasing my reports. I am pleased that my professionalism has been recognized by our outgoing president.

Holbrook
holbrook.spitzer@gmail.com

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Know All Men By These Presents,

            That I, Barack Hussein Obama, the 44^th President of the United States of America and its Protectorates, including, but not limited to Puerto Rico and Guam, hereby applaud the writing skills and professional ethics of Holbrook Spitzer, a natural-born citizen, who, having graduated from a top journalism college, has risen to the top of his chosen trade.

Given at Honolulu, Hawaii, this 7^th day of

January, 2017, and in the 241^st year of our nation.

Military to Celebrate Inaguration of Donald Trump

THE PENTAGON – Joint Chief of Staff Chairman General Joe Dunford announced today that members of the military services will celebrate the inauguration of their new Commander in Chief, Donald P. Trump, on January 20, with a special meal.

No Trump Steaks for these sailors

“President-elect Trump has graciously offered to give the famed “Trump Steaks” to the military services, and our service members all around the globe will enjoy the finest steaks, along with the canned vegetables and the usual crap that our chefs produce.  Unfortunately, members of our submarine fleet won’t be included in the Trump Steak event because of difficulty in making the deliveries to them", General Dunford remarked.  “Shit, we don’t know where most of them are, since they just swim around the oceans underwater for months at a time, but they have plenty of MRE (packaged meals-ready-to-eat)”, he said.

“This is a win-win situation,” Donald Trump, Jr. said. “We have tons of steaks in cold storage that is costing us a bunch.  We donate the steaks to the Trump Foundation for distribution, get a tax break for the gift, eliminate the storage costs, and the soldiers and WACs get a great meal.”

“We are making America great again”, Eric Trump joined in. 

 

Making America Great Again

Publishers Clearing House Winners

William (Bill) Jose-Frump, Recent Winner

PORT WASHINGTON – Publishers Clearing House representatives today declined to comment on a report by Julian Assage, posted by Wikileaks, that the recent winners of its $5,000.00 A-Week-Forever were residents of hospice facilities.  “Although the chances of winning the contest are 1 in 2,600,000,000, as disclosed in our advertising” Halcyon Goldberg-Fitzgerald, Publishers Clearing House public relations director commented,  “it was just coincidence that 2 of our most recent winners were residents of hospice or were receiving palliative care.  The third most recent winner, William (‘Bill’) Jose-Frump, is a spry, healthy World War I veteran.” 

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Chance to Win.

Donald Trump Creates Email Account

Mail.ru Offices

TRUMP TOWER – President-Elect Donald P. Trump today announced that he has opened an email account to better connect with the American public and his worldwide friends.  “Twitter is great and will continue to be my preferred form of communication with everyone,” The Donald said, “but my trusted former friend, what’s-his-name from New Jersey (sad!) 

What's-his-name

 once suggested that I need more than 149 things than Twitter lets me have to let everyone know what is on my mind.  I was going to open an AOL account, but my current best friend, Vlad, suggested that I use an account that is never hacked, so following his advice, I have arranged for my new email account starting January 20, 2017, so that I can send my longer thoughts and receive congratulatory emails at potus@mail.ru.  I will not use this address for official email like Crooked Hillary did."

Crooked Hillary

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Trump Saves Another 6 Jobs

North Rutland, VT – President-Elect Donald P. Trump made a visit to this remote village today to announce that he has persuaded The George George Toothpick Company to remain in the United States.  George George, the owner of the company which employees 6 workers, including 4 members of the George family, from relocating to Brazil. 

Mr. George said that the planned relocation was inspired by inexpensive wood available from the clearing of the Amazon rain forests, and the sunny climate.  “Also, Bernie won’t be there to try and shove Obamacare and free tuition down our throads”, he said.  [Note, Mr. George did say “throads”, when he obviously meant “throats”.]

CutePick

President-Elect Trump used a carrot and stick approach in persuading Mr. George to reconsider the relocation.  While threatening a 35% tariff on toothpicks manufactured in countries other than the United States, which would cut deeply into the $8,000 monthly sales of toothpicks that his company now enjoys in the sale of his banner product, the “Cutepick” to Whole Foods and the A & P grocery chain, Mr. Trump offered Mr. George an incentive package to relocate his manufacturing facility to Indiana, where Governor and Vice President-Elect Mike Pence will provide a ten-year tax relief package and a $750,000 grant, providing the relocation occurs not later than January 19, 2017. 

“It’s a win-win solution”, Mr. George said, “and mostly I win.”  Mr. Trump gave Mr. George a USA baseball cap and helicoptered off to meet with officials of a maple syrup company that has threatened to move its maple trees from Vermont to Mexico.