SHARK TANK FEATURES PANTIES FOR ORAL SEX

HOLLYWOOD – May 13, 2022 - Today, following yesterday’s New York Times article that announced that the FDA had approved panties for oral sex, Melonie Cristol, the owner of the Lorals brand of the approved panties, demonstrated its use during the filming of a Shark Tank episode. Both Barbara Corcoran and Lori Grenier volunteered for the demonstration while the male members of the cast watched intensely. Ms. Cristol asked for $500,000 for a two percent interest in her company, which had no reported sales but is expected to be featured on Amazon starting on June 15, the date that the Shark Tank will air on ABC. Kevin O’Leary, known as Mr. Wonderful, offered the $500,000 for just a $2.00 per panty royalty in perpetuity, saying that he could promote it along with all of his wedding products, but that offer was rejected by Ms. Cristol, who said that she wanted an equity partner. Although Mark Cuban and Damon John were interested, they bowed out of the bidding, recognizing that the sharks who would be the best partners for Ms. Cristol were Barbara and Lori, and suggested that in addition to the vanilla flavoring, she should consider Bar-B-Que for the southern markets and salsa flavoring for the California and Arizona markets. Surprisingly, none of the sharks were troubled by the lack of sales or profit projections. Lori beat out Barbara because she said that she would promote it heavily on QVC, offering demonstrations in the late-night editions of the show, and also market it in Bed Bath and Beyond, as well as in Whole Foods and her online website, Dildos-R-Us. Shark Robert Herjavec complimented Ms. Cristol but said he was out because she was a great entrepreneur and didn’t need a partner. Barbara said she didn’t think it was investable for her, but she would be a customer.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/05/12/health/fda-underwear-sti.html

New K95 Depends Provide Extra Covid Protection

New N95 Depends(c)

 NEENAH, WI – Kimberly-Clark© today announced the production of its new K19 Depends Mask. Developed with grants from the National Health Center, Johnson & Johnson© and the Harris for Election 2024 Committee, this product was the result of his reports to the CDC and the House Select Committee on the Coronavirus Crisis, that the Covid 19 Omicron Virus could be spread not only from nasal passages but “ from any bodily orifice.” 

 

Beware of Knock-Offs

First reported by Fox News, Dr. Anthony Fauci, President Biden’s health advisor,  explained: “The virus is throughout the body of a contaminated person, and nasal masks only capture the virus from one source.  My research has found that the virus is also spread by flatulence, known by some as ‘farts’.  While some of the virus is contained by wearing pants, that is no more effective than a simple cloth mask.  To combat
this, I have been sprinkling powdered carbon in my underpants.  That helps, but what was truly needed was underwear with N95 protection, and this product will do the trick.”  

 

The K95 Depends will initially become available in CVS, Walgreens, and Hobby Lobby.  “Beware of Chink knock-offs,” Fauci cautioned.

Senator Mankin wins the Arnold Award

Receives "Arnold Award"

The Koch Industries Charitable Foundation today announced its 2021 Arnold Award to Senator Joseph Manchin (D-W.VA.).  “Joe has exhibited his love for the United States by his announcement that he will not support the left-wing Build Better Back legislation proposed by the failing Biden Administration,” said David Koch.  “Just like Benedict, Joe’s action was decisive and took the government by surprise.”  The Arnold award provides a commission as a Kentucky Colonel, to be awarded in a ceremony hosted by Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), an annual salary of £360, and a one-time grant of £6,316.  Additionally, one of the Koch coal mines in West Virginia will be renamed the Machin Mine.

Manchin Mine in West Virginia

No masks, No microchipped vaccines

Cecil Roberts, president of the United Mine Workers, lauded the award, stating:   “The predicted failure of the Build Better Back legislation means that our minors’ hard-earned tax dollars won’t be wasted on forcing our youngsters to be shuttled off to school before they are ready, thereby reducing carbon emission from those extra school busses.   Also, our members won’t have to wear those damn masks or get microchipped under the guise of the so-called vaccine.”

Says: "Shit"

 

When asked for a comment, Senate Majority Leader Charles “Chuck”  Schumer (D-NY), shrugged his shoulders and said: “Shit.”

CUOMO TO CLAIM SELF DEFENSE

 

Will Claim Self Defense

ALBANY, NY – In an exclusive report leaked to this reporter by Samuel Exophilia, the Clerk of the Albany County City Court, former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is expected to enter a plea of not guilty to the Forcible Touching misdemeanor charge filed by the Albany County Sheriff when arraigned on January 7.  According to Mr. Exophilia, Cuomo reportedly consulted Michigan attorney Mark Richards, who successfully used self-defense to secure a not guilty verdict on Kyle Rittenhouse's murder charges.  Based on the advice received, Mr. Cuomo will claim that he was simply trying to disarm what he perceived as two pointed dangerous weapons concealed beneath a female employee's sweater. In support of his defense, he will offer examples of dangerous weapons used by other women who have assaulted men with concealed spear-like weapons. "Hell, it's worth a shot," said an unidentified passerby who overheard my conversation with the Court Clerk.

Dangerous Weapons

 

Following his arraignment, Mr. Cuomo is expected to give an exclusive interview to his still shell-shocked brother, former CNN star Chris Cuomo. After his kamikaze dive from stardom, the latter is now a contributing reporter for the Sand Lake Advertiser

Ocasio-Cortez Wants Webb Telescope Launch Delayed

Investigation Needed ?

WASHINGTON – The December 22 launch of the Ten Billion Dollar Webb Telescope may be delayed if Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has her way.  The Webb Telescope was named after James Webb, who led the National Space Agency from 1961 through 1968 and was instrumental in the development of space research. 

 

Wants Launch Delay

Ms. Ocasio-Cortez is concerned that Mr. Webb, who was born in Granville County, North Carolina, may have had some slave-holding ancestors and believe that before his name is forever attached to this telescope, a thorough investigation should be made of his background.  She has suggested that Congress delay the telescope’s launch and employ renowned scholar Lewis Henry Gates, Jr., the host of the popular PBS television series, Finding Your Roots, to have a complete familiar history of Mr. Gates to determine if he had any slave-holding ancestors.  Dr. Gates, Jr., said that a search should not take more than eight to ten months, and he could report his findings on a special edition of Finding Your Roots

 

Further, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez questioned whether a man of his generation, who held many important management positions and was a military officer, may have made inappropriate sexual advances to his subordinates during his long career.  She has requested that any such victims come forward through her Twitter, Tik-Tok,  and other social media.  

 

 Needed to Watch Russian Buildup

When questioned by this reporter, The White House responded that the Webb Telescope could provide greater intelligence on the Russian buildup on the Ukrainian border and that it is imperative that the launch not be delayed, other than for weather or other technical reasons.


 

Gov. DeSantis to Provide Eulogy

CLEARWATER - Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced today that he will provide the eulogy for the funeral of Winter the Dolphin, who passed away November 11.  "I was heartbroken to learn of Winter's passing," DeSantis said.  "While I mourn his loss, I know that he supported my policies as he never wore a mask even when swimming among crowds of visitors.  In fact, following my mandate, not one member of a school of fish in Florida has been required to wear a mask."

Following Governor DeSantis's eulogy, Winter will be towed by a Florida Department of Environmental Protection tugboat to Honeymoon Island State Park, where it will be buried in a casket adorned with water lilies.

"Considering that this is Florida, it is comforting to know that Winter died a natural death," DeSantis said.

  

FTC Announces New Diversity Advertising Rules

Washington DC - Today, Federal Trade Chairman Joseph J. Simons announced that the Commission has promulgated new rules to ensure diversity and honesty in television advertising.  

Chairman Simons

"All too often," Commissioner Simons said, "the television audience just sees lots of white folks having a good time in television advertising that is hawking everything from prescription medicines, automobile insurance, and feminine products.  This does not truly reflect America, now that it has been made great again, and the new rules will demonstrate that diversity is now shared by both sides of the political aisle."

In a nutshell, the rules provide:

1. Every TV commercial that includes two caucasian ("Cauc") actors must also include at least one actor from the following ethnic groups: African American ("Negro"), Native American ("Indian"), or Asian ("Slant").  A person of Spanish heritage will be deemed to be a Cauc, except for advertising in California, Arizona, Texas, Florida, and New Mexico, where they will be referred to as "Latino" and will be included in the list of diverse Ethnic Actor Americans.

2. Negro actors must have a skin tone equal to or darker than Sherwin Williams 3522 Banyon Brown semi-transparent stain, or darker.

3. The Ethnic Actors must smile during the commercial, except in advertising described in Rule 6, below.

4. Every TV commercial for a bank or other financial institution must have an Ethnic Actor as a manager or loan officer.  White security guards will be unarmed and will open doors for Ethnic Actors.

5.    Luxury automobile dealers' ads must have either an Ethnic Actor as a salesperson or manager, or an Ethnic Actor as a purchaser, or both.

6. Advertising for hotels, restaurants, and other large venues that show groups of ten or more individuals must, in addition to a sole Ethnic Actor, must show at least one mixed-race couple and an obvious gay or lesbian of any ethnicity.  As an option, a drag queen may be substituted for a gay or lesbian actor.  [Note: certain hotel chains may apply for an exemption to this rule.]

6.   Ads for prescription pharmaceuticals may not show any actors laughing, smiling, or otherwise displaying joyful conduct during the listing or reading of the medicine's side effects. Looks of wonderment during such times are permitted at the discretion of the advertiser.  

" It should be noted that although the majority of the FTC commissioners were appointed by our current Great Leader, the proposed rules have been favorably commented upon by none other than Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ("AOC").  "The adoption of these rules will become effective following the mandatory 90 review and comment period, God willing," said Commissioner Simons.

President Trump to Get Covid Vaccine

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump’s physician, Sean Conley, today announced that he will be administering President Trump with a special Covid vaccine.  Electing to shun either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines that have just become available, President Trump has elected to be vaccinated with a 70/30 percent solution of 

Contains 30% Chlorox

hydroxychloroquine and Chlorox.  “That bastard Fauci is hawking this other shit,” said the Donald, “but Rush said that this new combination is better than the crap that they are giving Biden, the father of that crook, Hunter.”  

Dr. Conley

According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, many Republican members of the Senate and House of Representatives will also elect to follow the president’s lead.  “You can’t get off the Trump train now,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, or the President will unleash a Twitter shitstorm against you.”

DISNEY OPENS AMID COVID 19 AND OTHER ISSUES

Donald has Colibacillosis

ORLANDO – Walt Disney World opened today amidst the worst outbreak of the Covid 19 Virus yet to hit Florida.  While masks and social distancing are required, visitors are unable

to get the full “Disney Experience.”  Although guests are greeted by Goofy, its main stars, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck,  are nowhere in sight.

“We have had several medical issues of late,” said Disney veterinarian Horatio DeSantis.  “First, Donald came down with Colibacillosis, which he has been treating with some antibiotics mixed into his mash.  He seems to be responding, but it may be a couple of weeks before he greets guests, and then we can’t design a proper face mask for him.”

Covid 19 + Clap

“More seriously,” DeSantis said, “Mickey Mouse is showing the symptoms of the Covid 19 Virus, on top of which he is still recovering from a dose of the clap, which he undoubtedly got from that slut, Minnie.”

Minnie the Slut

Minnie Mouse has not been in attendance either, and rumor has it that she is on medication for a candidiasis infection, but she is expected to be back on stage by next weekend.

Kimberly-Clark to Manufacture Face Masks

Washington DC: President Donald Trump today, under the authority of the Defense Production Act, today directed Kimberly Clark International of Neenah, Wisconsin, to manufacture 50,000,000 face masks. “Kimberly Clerk (sic) is a great American company,” Trump said during his regular late afternoon press conference, “I know their products well, as I use their ‘Cottenelle’ toilet tissue to wipe my ass.”

The president’s order will not affect the company’s ability to produce Cottonelle, which like other tissue products, is in short supply due to hoarding by affluent Americans who purchased large quantities at Costco, Sam’s Club, and supermarkets. Jordan G. Jordan, Kimberly Clark’s senior vice president in charge of production, said that the president’s directive would force the company to switch the manufacture of its Kotex sanitary pads to the production of the face masks. “We will simply add ear loops to our Maxi-Pads, and that should do the trick,” Jordan said. “When the Covid-19 crisis is over, many of our face mask customers will find other uses for any surplus masks.”

The president’s action resulted from a suggestion by Senior Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner, who came up with the idea while rummaging through Ivanka’s bathroom drawers.

Pre-Production Face Mask

Shark Tank Funds Mothers' Milk

NEW YORK – Shark Tank Members Join in Unusual Funding.  In an episode to be aired Sunday evening, April 26th, (ABC, 9:00 PM EDT – check local listing), the five regular cast members of Shark Tank fought each other to fund one of the most unusual start-up companies, Mothers’ Milk, LLC©.  Entrepreneur Wilston Hickey of Chlamydia, Arkansas, asked for $250,000 for a 10% stake in his venture.  His company, which employs approximately three hundred wet nurses that supply genuine mothers' milk to mothers throughout the United States.  

Suzzi Hickey

At first, appearing incredulous when hearing Hickey’s pitch, the entire cast soon realized that he was presenting an unusual investment opportunity.  Hickey explained that he started his business when his teenage daughter, Suzzi, was offered a job as a wet nurse by a local Republican congresswoman who didn’t have time to nurse her own baby.  Suzzi had stopped nursing her child, Washington Hickey after he started kindergarten, but the milk kept coming and the wet nurse job paid well.  Suzzie mentioned that many of her friends had excess milk, and some had sold some on Craigslist.  After putting an ad on Facebook, Hickey was swamped with offers to both sell and buy real mothers' milk.  He quickly realized that the sale of mothers' milk, properly marketed, could supplement his meager income as a roadkill chef in a local restaurant.

Suzzi passed out samples to the Sharks, but only Keven O’Leary tasted the sample and said that it compared very favorably for some mothers milk that he had drunk a couple of months prior to the taping of the show.  

Asked about the economics, Hickey said that he pays his “herd” $1.15 per pint, and sells it locally for $4.50 if picked up at his storefront “dairy”, but $15.00 online, including overnight UPS.  He is hoping to get into Whole Foods and possibly Krogers in the near future.  

While impressed with the margins, Robert Herjavec said it would not fit into his investment portfolio and declined, as did Mark Cuban who did not see a sports-related market for the product.

Daymond John showed an interest, particularly since many of her herd were probably minority women, considering that the company is based in Arkansas.  He declined to invest, however, saying that it would be a conflict with his investment in “Bovine Mama”, which offered a similar product in the mid-Atlantic states.

O’Leary declined to invest because he didn’t think it had licensing possibilities, but Shark Barbara Cocoran jumped in and made the investment, stating that it would fit in nicely with her other food product investments.

Musk's Boring Company Gets Mexican Contract

Mexico City - April 2, 2020.                                                                                                 Elon Musk announced that The Boring Company has received a contract to construct multiple tunnels at undisclosed locations in Mexico.  The Boring Company has completed one tunnel to convey automobiles and pedestrians in Las Vegas and is in the process of completing a second one.  The company is also negotiating with the city of Chicago for the construction of a tunnel from downtown to its nearby airport.  "This will be The Boring Company's first contract to construct tunnels in a foreign country and the first with a privately-owned customer," Musk announced at a joint press conference with El Mencho, the CEO of The Cartel Jalisco Nueva Generacion.

Boring Company Flamethrower

 Although details of the contract have not been announced, the contract will provide for the construction of the tunnels in northern Mexico. As a bonus for Musk, the contracting party is also expected to order several performance models of the Tesla Model X as well as the Cybertruck. "I bought mucho numbers of The Boring Company's flamethrower," said El Mencho, "and my company found many out-of-the-box uses for them." (Spanish to English translation supplied by Google Translate).

Trump Order Cell Phone Ventilators

WASHINGTON, DC March 30, 2020
President Trump today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require cell phone manufacturers to produce programs that will make everyone's mobile phone into a ventilator.  "I have today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require Apple and Google to make programs, sometimes called 'apps' that will make their cell phones into ventilators.  I told Tim Cook that I want the iPhones to work by holding them up to a person's nose and have lifesaving oxygen come out of the speaker holes, and the guy with a foreign-sounding name who runs Google to make a program so that the adenoids (sic) phones do the same."    Trump told a press conference on the Rose Garden lawn that this was entirely possible by Dr. Ben Carson, and easily done.  "It will be beautiful", Trump said. The programs will be available on the iTunes store for a nominal charge or can be downloaded free on the www.makeamericagreatagain.net website starting Good Friday.

Sanders Wants Medicare for Pets

Burlington, VT - Socialist Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders today announced that his Medicare for All will include coverage for pets.  "Why should cats, rabbits, dogs, and even pet birds do without proper health care",  Sanders said from his home where he is recovering from a recent heart attack. " I know that a lot of folks whose income puts them below the poverty line cannot afford proper veterinary care for the animal members of their household.  Under the Sanders plan, even those damn pit bulldogs would be covered, and I know that coverage will be appreciated by the African American Community."

When pressed for more details, Sanders did impose conditions, however.  He did not want the free coverage to apply to pets that were imported without going through the lawful immigration procedures, but would apply, for instance, to puppies born in the United States to illegally imported bitches.  "Sort of like the Dreamers program that I have been fighting for", he said. "Pre-existing conditions will be covered, such as hoof and mouth disease for pet horses."

Before drifting off for his afternoon nap, Mr. Sanders also told this reporter (off the record, because it has not yet been discussed with his staff), that he is considering free dog training for puppies at no cost, with classes to be provided by local community colleges.

"I will announce these important additions at the next Democratic debate, provided my stents hold", he said.

Democratic Debate Thursday June 27, 2019

MIAMI – Thursday evening, June 27, the remaining “top 20” Democratic candidates will debate on NBC, its English-speaking affiliates, and Telemundo.

Not to be outdone by Wednesday’s candidates, who annoyed many non-Hispanic viewers and members of the audience by mumbling something in Spanish, the candidates tonight are taking a different tact:  Bernie Sanders will start by entering the platform dancing the horah, and greeting the hosts with “shalom.”  Mr. Bennet will apologize that he can’t speak Spanish and has a difficult time with English.  Mr. Yang will read from a fortune cookie.  Pamela Harris will simply wear a small sign that says, “Yes, I too speak Spanish, but I would prefer to spend my time speaking to the 90% of viewers who would not understand.”  Mr. Swalwell will demonstrate his proficiency in Pig Latin by starting his first answer with: “atwhay ethay uckfay amyay iyay oingday erehay anywayyay?”  Kristin Gellibrand will end her final statement with an apology to the voters of Minnesota for her rush to the judgment of Senator Al Franken. Joe Biden will apologize profusely for all the things he did during his many years of public service but may stray away from the podium to give Ms. Williamson a back rub from time to time. Mayor Buttigieg, wearing a rainbow tie and speaking in Ebonics, will assure the African-American residents of South Bend that he will employ more police officers, but will not give the white officers any weapons.  Mr. Hickenlooper will just stand around looking like a Hickenlooper.

Tune in tonight at 9:00 pm. EDT!

Joint Zoo - Prison Program Announced

TAMPA – Stanley “Stosh” Treed-Kohn, director of the Lowry Zoo in Tampa and Hillsborough County Sheriff Huckabee Lopez have announced a joint exhibition for their respective facilities.  “The Lowry Zoo will have a small number of cages in which prisoners will be housed and exhibited as part of the primate section of the zoo,” Treed-Kohn said.  “Sheriff Lopez will furnish trustees for the exhibit, many of whom have volunteered to be in the zoo because it will be time away from the boring day-to-day activity of living life in prison.  They will be getting some sunshine and get to see a lot of people, some of whom might offer them candy or other foods that can be purchased at the zoo, just like zoo-goers buy food to feed the giraffes.”

Inmate Volunteers

Meerkats Going to Prison

In return for supplying prisoners for the new exhibit, the Lowry Zoo will loan the prison some of its excess animals.  “We have a shit load of turtles and more meerkats than we need, and it will probably improve the moral of the prisoners to have something different to look at in their exercise yard”, said Treed-Kohn.  “The zoo was going to loan us some monkeys also, but it might be hard to tell them apart from some of the inmates, so I took a pass on that offer, said Sheriff Lopez.”

The exchange program will start in early April when the evening temperatures are warm enough for the visiting prisoners to stay in their cages overnight.  The zoo is modifying some currently empty exhibit cages to provide some minimal privacy at times “when nature calls”.

This zoo-prison program is thought to be the first of its kind in the nation, although a similar program between the National Zoo in Washington and Guantanamo Bay facility was considered during the Bush administration, but rejected because of Republican opposition to bringing Muslims into the continental United States.

Congress to Investigate Benghazi Again

WASHINGTON D.C.   In a joint statement today Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and 

Majority Leader McConnell

Chats with Russians

Wearing Ivanka

Wears Ivanka

Senate Majority Leader Mitch (“the turtle”) McConnell today announced that they are planning a further investigation of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in Benghazi.  “The disclosure today that National Security Advisor General Michael T. Flynn had improper communications with Russian operatives make it imperative that we renew our multiple previous investigations of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to determine whether she was in contact with the Russians, which contact contributed to the Benghazi massacre” said Ryan.  “This is far more important than whether General Flynn lied to Vice President Pence, or whether Ivanka’s jewelry was not selling well.  We will investigate whether Nordstrom’s despicable marketing should be investigated by the Justice Department, as urged by Senior Presidential Counselor KellyAnn Conway”.

Needs tutoring

In other news, the White House announced that Press Secretary Sean Spicer  would receive remedial reading and speech tutoring, a move applauded by the Washington press corps. 

Needs DNA Evidence

 The Department of Homeland Security advised Mr. Trump, the so-called President, that Attorney General Jeff Sessions ruled that Alec Baldwin’s passport could not be revoked in the absence of evidence that Mr. Baldwin had some African heritage in his DNA.

So-Called President

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