PRESCRIPTION DRUGS TO BE RENAMED

-->

WASHINGTON DC - The national trade association of drug and pharmaceuticals, Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America® today announced a sweeping change in the manner in which prescription drugs are marketed.  Starting January 1, 2015, the prescription pharmaceutical products will be renamed to make them more user-friendly.  At the suggestion of the Federal Food and Drug Administration and NASA, prescription drugs will be given common names, just like tropical storms and hurricanes.  For example, Pfizer’s Protonix, its street name for pantprazole sodium, will simply be renamed “Peter”, which is much easier to remember.  (In some border states such as Arizona and Texas, it will be also available under the name “Pedro”.

 Some drug names will not be changed, however, because their drug names are household words, like Xerox or Kotex.  For example, aspirin will still be called aspirin, and sildenafil citrate will continue to be marketed under the name Viagra.  However, less well-known drugs will receive new common names, randomly selected from baby names lists.  Some drugs have already been assigned new names, such as “Jordan” for isosorbide dinitrate, and “Billy” for isosorbide mononitrate.  The FDA will make the name assignments to avoid conflicts among the several manufacturers.

sildenafil citrate

“Think how much easier will be for patients,” said L. Horatio Gumm, the Consumer Advocate of PhRMA.  “When asking for a prescription for Viagra, for example, your physician will simply ask if you are currently taking Jordan or Billy, instead of the current chemical names which hardly anyone, including many drug chain pharmacists can remember.” 

A shortlist of pharmaceutical names has been released, and is shown below.

"Billy", formerly isosorbide mononitrate.

Old Name                           New Name fisosorbide mononitrate Billy  isosorbide dinitrate Jordan sildenafil citrate Viagra (unchanged) Tramadol Suzi medical marijuana Dr. Mary Jane pravastatin sodium Walter Diazepam Sasha pantprazole sodium Peter (Pedro in some markets)

Shark Tank Millionaire Funds New Condom

Inventor Wilston Hickey

NEW YORK - Shark Tank millionaire Robert Herjavec fought off  two other Shark Tank members to win the right to invest in "Dip  Your Wick", at an episode to be aired during September 2014.    Inventor Wilston Hickey, a 77-year-old college dropout, originally from Troy, New York, received $169,000 in funding  a 10% interest in his company, Dip Your Wick, LLC,  a North Dakota limited liability company.

Mr. Hickey said that he was inspired to invent Dip Your Wick when browsing at a Home Depot store in Fargo, where he presently resides.  He noticed the plastic tool coatings in the paint department, which enable tools to be coated with a rubber or plastic coating.  Hickey bought a can of Plasti Dip to coat the rusting handles of his pliers, but when doing so he accidentally spilled some on his most private part, which quickly coated it.

"It was like a gift from Allah", Hickey told the Shark Tank members.  "This is way easier than wrestling with  a Trojan if you haven't had Daily Cialis".  After trying different combinations of products and application methods, he finally developed Dip Your Wick in both an aerosol spray-on product and a traditional can to which a male penis can be quickly dipped prior to lovemaking.

Barbara Cochran

Hickey has applied for a utility patent, and the application is pending.  Because of the unusual sensitivity of the product, the Shark Tank members (other than Barbara Cochran) went to a screened-in area to try out a sample, and were duly impressed with the ease of use.  During the negotiations with Mr. Hickey, Barbara quickly announced  "I'm out", but some of the other four investors made various offers and commented favorably about the product.

Robert Herjavec

Damon John

Asked what the funding will be used for, Hickey said that he will use it to experiment with expanding the line to offer various colors and flavors, "just like Trojan," and for some advertising in Hustler,  Ebony,  and Cosmos magazines.   At the present time, Dip Your Wick is available only in jet black and linen colors.  Damon John, who tried the linen sample, was very impressed, although he believed that the off-white color made his penis look small.  At the same time, Robert Herjavec said that he was excited after trying the jet black sample.  "I feel like a real African American stud", Herjavec said.  Damon John offered the $169,000 but demanded a 51% equity interest in the company.  Mark Cuban just laughed but said that he doubted whether his team members would use the product, and therefore he was out.  Billionaire Kevin O'Leary offered Hickey the requested $169,000, but in turn wanted a $1.00 per unit royalty in perpetuity, an offer that was rejected on Barbara's advice.

Advertising for Dip Your Wick will appear in print and online ads starting in October, and may be demonstrated on QVC.

Washington Redskins to Change Name

Team Owner Snyder

WASHINGTON - This reporter has exclusively learned that the Washington Redskins NFL team owner has agreed to change the name of his football team, following the double whammy of the United States Patent Office removing its trademark, and a rumor that team owner Donald Snyder once, in a private conversation, mentioned that the team had a "nigger" player.

Sports Analyst Savannah Guthrie

Team Logo

The compromise, to be announced on NBC's Monday Night Football by NBC's sports analyst, Savannah Guthrie, will change the name of the team to "Washington Injuns".  No change will be made to the team's logo.

 Not all Redskin Americans were satisfied with the name change.  Chief Geronimo Schwartz, who acts as counsel and spokesperson for the Native American Casino Owners Association (NACOA), likened Mr. Snyder to George Custer, although when questioned at length, Chief Schwartz said that the change of the team's name to the Washington Injuns might prove beneficial to the tribes he represents since they own the "Injuns" trademark, and might be able to cut a licensing deal with Snyder.  He said that he will explore that possibility on a new segment of ABC's "Shark Tank" later this summer.

Chief Geronimo Schwartz

Florida to Amend its "Stand Your Ground Law"

Gov. Rick Scott 

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Florida Governor Rick Scott today announced that he will sign into law an amendment to Florida’s “stand your ground” law that was proposed by the Florida Association of Retired Cops and endorsed by the National Rifle Association.  “It is clear to me, and I assume that it will be clear to our legislature, that as presently enacted, and has has been demonstrated by a recent event,  the stated grounds for using deadly force is not as encompassing as needed for the protection of our retired first responders and other residents of the Sunshine State.  While Florida prides itself as being at the forefront of those states who abide by the letter and spirit of the Second Amendment, I and my chums in the legislature will clarify, protect, and expand our constitutional right.  The public demands that we do so.”

The statutory amendment was drafted by George W. Smoot, III, Esq., counsel to the NRA, and will be introduced by bi-partisan Republican legislators on March 4, 2014, the opening of the 2014 legislative session.  Quick passage is expected.

The proposed amendment is set forth below:

CHAPTER 2014-16

Senate Bill No. 251

An act relating to use of deadly force, presumption of fear of death or great bodily  harm, amending s. 776.013, F.S.  providing clarification of the appropriateness of the use of deadly force; providing a retroactive effective date.

Be It Enacted by the Legislature of the State of Florida:

Section 1.  Subsection (1) of  section 776.013, Florida Statutes, entitled “Justifiable Use of Force” is amended to read:

(1)  A person is presumed to have held a reasonable fear of imminent peril of death, great bodily harm, or irritation to himself or herself or another when using defense force that is intended or likely to cause death, great bodily harm, or irritation to another if:

(a) The person against whom the defensive force was used was in the process of unlawfully and forcefully entering, or had unlawfully and forcibly entered, a dwelling, residence, movie theater, or occupied vehicle of if that person had removed or was attempting to remove another against the person’s will from the dwelling, residence, movie theater, or occupied vehicle; and

(b) The person who uses defensive force knew or had reason to believe that an unlawful, forcible entry, or unlawful, forcible, or irritating act was occurring or had occurred.

Section 2.        This act shall take effective retroactively to January 1, 2014.

                       

George Zimmerman comments on Movie Theatre Shooting

George Zimmerman

EAST VALRICO, FL -  George Zimmerman gave this reporter an exclusive interview regarding the 

Captain Reeves

the reported shooting of an unarmed theatre patron and his wife at the Cobb Grove 16 Theater in Wesley Chapel, Florida.  As reported in both the local and national press, retired Tampa police captain Curtis Reeves shot his .357 magnum through Ms. Oulson's hand and into the chest of Chad Oulson, killing him.  Captain Reeves was arrested and is currently in jail awaiting indictment on homicide charges.

Bye-D-Weed Mobile Home Park

We met at Mr. Zimmerman's single wide mobile home at the Bye-D-Weed Mobile Home Park.

Me:  George, have you read or heard about this shooting that took place in the Cobb Grove 16 Theater in neighboring Wesley Chapel?

George:  Sure I have.  Do you think I live in a cave?

Ms. and the Late Mr. Oulson

Me:  No, of course not, George. It's obvious that you live in this shitbox of a mobile home.  I would like to know whether you think that Captain  Reeves was justified in shooting Mr. and Mrs. Chad Oulson because Chad had been texting and reportedly threw a bag of popcorn at the victim?  Do you see similarities between this shooting and your killing of the Martin boy?

George:  Whoa!  The cases are entirely different.  First of all, Mr. Oulson was armed with just popcorn, and the Martin thug had Twizzlers, which are much more dangerous.  Also, let's face it, Mr. Oulson was a white guy and wasn't even wearing a hoodie, so the Captain shouldn't have been afraid for his life.  The "stand your ground defense" isn't worth shit here.  

Me:  Is there anything else you would like to say, George?

George:  Yeah, why don't you fucking newsmen leave me alone?

Me:  Thank you, George.

New Direction for St. Petersburg Pier

Winter Gets a Stand In

Winter, the Dolphin

CLEARWATER, FLORIDA - The Clearwater Marine Aquarium, home of Winter, the bottle-nose dolphin that it rescued after its tail was horribly mutilated by a motorboat, today announced that it is preparing a stand-in actor for Winter.  Winter became famous after a prosthetic tail was developed by Hanger Prognostics and Orthotics and fitted to the dolphin at the aquarium's clinic.  Such interest developed in this unusual story, that Hollywood descended upon this west Florida community, home to Scientology, and filmed Winter's tale (and her tail).  The movie, Winter's Tale, became a hit earning millions of dollars in its worldwide distribution.  Moreover, it brought thousands of tourists to the Clearwater Marine Aquarium, many of whom enjoyed a day of watching Winter swim and Scientologists parade about town.  In fact, Winter's appeal made the Aquarium such a money machine, that it announced that it was building a new $160,000 facility with the financial support of the Clearwater municipal government and the moral support of the late L. Ron Hubbard.

One of several Lassies

The backers of the project got a dose of reality, however, when the Aquarium's oldest dolphin, Panama, died this past September.  "Winter can't live forever", Dr. Mike Walsh, the Aquarium's veterinarian said.  Knowing that Winter's demise would create quite a damper on the Aquarium's finances since throngs of people would not come to the Aquarium if Winter was not there, the management decided to get another dolphin to stand in and even eventually succeed Winter.  The problem was making the new dolphin look authentic.  "Hell, there was more than one Lassie," said Clearwater councilman and Aquarium Board of Overseers member John John Footz, "and there can be more than one Winter."

Cleary before Procedure

Marine Surgical Saw

Soon thereafter a crew captured a young, healthy female bottle-nose dolphin, which they named "Cleary".  A marine surgical team brought in from the Kansas Medical School and Fishery amputated Cleary's tail and outfitted her with a duplicate of the one used by Winter.  "No one outside of the staff and a few of us in government will know the difference," said Footz, "particularly if you don't publish this interview.  To most folk, they can't tell the difference between one dolphin and another, sort of like Bucs linemen out of uniform."
 

Cleary smiles happily

Cleary seems happy in her new role, although Dr. Walsh suspects that the prosthetic tail itches her somewhat, and her sex life may not be as good as might otherwise be expected.  

Asked for a comment, PETA's communication director said "We are Pissed, with a capital 'P'."

Late Celebrity Comments on Zimmerman Verdict

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - CA.  Jay Silverheels, who played Tonto for many years as the faithful Indian companion on The Lone Ranger radio, television, and movie series before his untimely death in 1980, today commented on the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the shooting death of Travon Martin.  Speaking through his shaman, Abe Goatsmilker, Silverheels said:  "All things considered, I think the jury's decision was certainly in line with the law of the Old West of the late 19th century.  We always stood our ground, and the LR was everyman's neighborhood watch type of guy. He (the LR) did all the shooting, and I just fed the horses, cooked the beans, and said 'Getem up Scout' at the end of every episode.


"Actually, Zimmerman had more balls than the LR, who never killed anyone.  The LR was a pussy.  He might wound some s.o.b. with one of his silver bullets, but he usually turned the bad guys over to the  Marshall and then did the standard "hi-ho Silver" line, not that Silver had any fucking idea what "hi-ho" meant.  We never saw one of the black guys in a hoodie, but then again Travon probably never saw a cracker wearing a mask and riding a white horse,"  Silverheels said, adding "in those days we called them 'niggers' and we were called 'savages.'   Now the blacks are called 'African Americans' and we are called 'Native Americans'.

3-D Printing Reproduces Damaged Member

New York City:  While most of the techno-hoopla lately has focused on the ability of 3-D printing to create models for such a wide range of goods from earrings to airplane parts, the medical community has also become very involved.  Researchers at prestigious institutions such as John Hopkins, Harvard Medical College, Hudson Valley Community College, and Stanford University have attempted to reproduce simple organisms using this new technology, but there are some real-life products that are actually being manufactured and used by those at the forefront of the medical community, vastly improving the lives of some men.

Dr. Lamont Bearishafertz, Ph.D., M.D., of New York City, is one of those visionaries.  Although a psychiatrist and OB-GYN physician, he religiously studied articles on Gizmo.com where he learned of the possibilities of 3-D printing.  After reading an article of 15 cases of penis removal on listverse.com, and learning that the dismemberment of penises is not as uncommon as generally believed, he purchased a Stratasys 3-D printer with a grant from the John and Lorena Bobbitt Foundation and set to work.  Using discarded human cells donated by a mohel, and computer images from Hustler magazine, Bearishafertz was able to manufacture a viable male penis, although smaller in scale than those lost by some gentile men.  While the manufacturing process is slow, and the attachment is tricky, the cost will likely be covered by Obamacare starting in 2014, according to Blue Cross and Blue Shield of New York.

Bearishafertz plans to increase both the quantity and quality of his product as the technology progresses.  The good doctor plans to raise the necessary funds to start production with his new business entity, Newcock, LLC, and will soon enter his product in Kickstarter.com, where he will seek $1,395,056.62 by December 31, 2013.  [Everyone contributing $25.00 will receive a color photo of the first 3-D manufactured penis.  Those contributing $100,000.00 or more will receive a "designer penis" when the technology permits].

"One of my OB-GYN clients recently told me that after having an affair with an African-American friend, she understood that 'once you go black, you can't go back is true," Bearishafertz said.  "I told her  that I might soon have the solution that will permit her to regain the former love-making she enjoyed with her Caucasian husband."

Newspapers Change Death Notices

NEW YORK - The New York Times today announced that it has changed its format for reporting death notices.  Starting January 1, 2013,  the section formerly called "Obituaries" will now be called "The Rainbow Bridge".

"This change was brought about to make the passing of notable people less troubling and has been used for years when pet owners have announced the death of a favorite pet, such as a dog, cat, parrot, or even a gerbil" said New York Times Death Editor Shawn "Bye-Bye" Wilson-Carrot.  "Our focus group preferred "The Rainbow Bridge" over such other suggestions as "Too Soon, But Not Too Late", and "Here Yesterday, Gone Today."
Not to be outdone, Ruppert Murdock has instructed the management of The Wall Street Journal to change the obituary section title of that newspaper from the simple "Deaths" to "Early Retirement".