Cheyenne, WY. Following the hoopla that has erupted following North Carolina's adoption of a constitutional amendment that effectively bans gay marriage, both sides of the political divide have hardened their respective positions. While the TGBT-liberal-commie-socialist side was disheartened by the North Carolina action, they were encouraged by the statements made by Vice President Biden who endorsed gay marriage and echoed by the Kenyan who half-heartedly supported that position since his daughters thought that it was fine. At the same time, the neocon-evangelist-tea party Republicans began to renew their push for a federal constitutional amendment that would recognize marriage as a union solely between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman.
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| Rep "Jake" Coprophagia |
Just when it seemed as though the gulf between these two positions was widening, Richard "Jake" Coprophagia, an obscure Republican congressman from Wyoming who served that state for almost two decades, and is a member of the House subcommittee on Feral Cats (serving as its Assistant Chairman during Bush II), has put forth a compromise proposal which he believes will gain the support of all parties and put an end to the political haggling so that Congress and the Executive Branch can devote more time to haggling over other, more important matters.
"I propose an amendment to the United States Constitution that defines marriage 'as a union between a man and a woman, or between a woman and a woman'", Coprophagia said. "That way, each side gets half a loaf, and we don't have to think about those fags and their santorum," Coprophagia told the assembled press that he had discussed his proposal with former Vice President Cheney, who, along with some family members, thought that it was a good idea.
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| wants whole loaf |
The immediate reaction to the proposal has been mixed. While Congressman Paul Ryan said that it was worthy of consideration, it lacked any tax reduction benefits and continued food stamps for unworthy poor people. Sarah Palin did not have an immediate comment but said that she would read about it in one of the many newspapers she now has delivered to her former campaign office. On the Democratic side, Congressman Barney Frank said that he would oppose it, saying "I want the whole loaf."
Dannemora, New York - In ceremonies conducted today in this out-of-the-way upstate village, New York State Department of Corrections and Community Service Commissioner Brian Fischer announced a new pilot program designed to reduce violence between inmates and reduce the danger to the prison guards and personnel. Funded by a 1.7 million dollar grant from the Department of Justice, all prisoners at the Clinton Correctional Facility will be given an Apple Ipad 2 preloaded with FarmVille.
"Our highly paid psychologists have suggested that playing FarmVille will serve a myriad of benefits. First and foremost, it will keep the prisoners so busy that they won't have time to plan escapes or think of new ways to harass the screws. We are hoping that the interaction will bring new friendship between the black convicts and their Caucasian and Hispanic brethren. We are hopeful that it will even foster understanding and even friendship between the Crips and the Bloods."
"As an added benefit" Fischer continued, "playing FarmVille will prepare our inmates for agricultural vocations once they return to the community. They will learn organic agriculture and even sheep breeding, important skills when they job hunt when they return to the cities from which they came and will probably return if they are ever paroled or max out."
"This morning we gave the first Farmville equipped Ipad to cop-killer Ralph "Bucky" Phillips, who was so gratified that he promised not to make another escape attempt, or to throw feces at the guards "
"My stay at this shit hole will be much less stressful now that I can play FarmVille with my prison buds," Bucky said. "It will make the hundred or so years that I plan on being here quite tolerant, maybe even pleasant, and I was told that after ten years or so of good behavior I might be upgraded to Zynga's new game, 'Mafia Wars ' This positive step just reaffirms my faith that the Cuomo administration really cares about us miscreants"
While interested in the program, New York City Department of Corrections Dora B. Schriro, said that she thought that Zynga's "Cityville" game might be better received by prisoners from urban areas.
