President Trump to Get Covid Vaccine

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump’s physician, Sean Conley, today announced that he will be administering President Trump with a special Covid vaccine.  Electing to shun either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines that have just become available, President Trump has elected to be vaccinated with a 70/30 percent solution of 

Contains 30% Chlorox

hydroxychloroquine and Chlorox.  “That bastard Fauci is hawking this other shit,” said the Donald, “but Rush said that this new combination is better than the crap that they are giving Biden, the father of that crook, Hunter.”  

Dr. Conley

According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, many Republican members of the Senate and House of Representatives will also elect to follow the president’s lead.  “You can’t get off the Trump train now,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, or the President will unleash a Twitter shitstorm against you.”

DISNEY OPENS AMID COVID 19 AND OTHER ISSUES

Donald has Colibacillosis

ORLANDO – Walt Disney World opened today amidst the worst outbreak of the Covid 19 Virus yet to hit Florida.  While masks and social distancing are required, visitors are unable

to get the full “Disney Experience.”  Although guests are greeted by Goofy, its main stars, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck,  are nowhere in sight.

“We have had several medical issues of late,” said Disney veterinarian Horatio DeSantis.  “First, Donald came down with Colibacillosis, which he has been treating with some antibiotics mixed into his mash.  He seems to be responding, but it may be a couple of weeks before he greets guests, and then we can’t design a proper face mask for him.”

Covid 19 + Clap

“More seriously,” DeSantis said, “Mickey Mouse is showing the symptoms of the Covid 19 Virus, on top of which he is still recovering from a dose of the clap, which he undoubtedly got from that slut, Minnie.”

Minnie the Slut

Minnie Mouse has not been in attendance either, and rumor has it that she is on medication for a candidiasis infection, but she is expected to be back on stage by next weekend.

Kimberly-Clark to Manufacture Face Masks

Washington DC: President Donald Trump today, under the authority of the Defense Production Act, today directed Kimberly Clark International of Neenah, Wisconsin, to manufacture 50,000,000 face masks. “Kimberly Clerk (sic) is a great American company,” Trump said during his regular late afternoon press conference, “I know their products well, as I use their ‘Cottenelle’ toilet tissue to wipe my ass.”

The president’s order will not affect the company’s ability to produce Cottonelle, which like other tissue products, is in short supply due to hoarding by affluent Americans who purchased large quantities at Costco, Sam’s Club, and supermarkets. Jordan G. Jordan, Kimberly Clark’s senior vice president in charge of production, said that the president’s directive would force the company to switch the manufacture of its Kotex sanitary pads to the production of the face masks. “We will simply add ear loops to our Maxi-Pads, and that should do the trick,” Jordan said. “When the Covid-19 crisis is over, many of our face mask customers will find other uses for any surplus masks.”

The president’s action resulted from a suggestion by Senior Presidential Advisor Jared Kushner, who came up with the idea while rummaging through Ivanka’s bathroom drawers.

Pre-Production Face Mask

NEW YORK – Shark Tank Members Join in Unusual Funding.  In an episode to be aired Sunday evening, April 26th, (ABC, 9:00 PM EDT – check local listing), the five regular cast members of Shark Tank fought each other to fund one of the most unusual start-up companies, Mothers’ Milk, LLC©.  Entrepreneur Wilston Hickey of Chlamydia, Arkansas, asked for $250,000 for a 10% stake in his venture.  His company, which employs approximately three hundred wet nurses that supply genuine mothers' milk to mothers throughout the United States.  

Suzzi Hickey

At first, appearing incredulous when hearing Hickey’s pitch, the entire cast soon realized that he was presenting an unusual investment opportunity.  Hickey explained that he started his business when his teenage daughter, Suzzi, was offered a job as a wet nurse by a local Republican congresswoman who didn’t have time to nurse her own baby.  Suzzi had stopped nursing her child, Washington Hickey after he started kindergarten, but the milk kept coming and the wet nurse job paid well.  Suzzie mentioned that many of her friends had excess milk, and some had sold some on Craigslist.  After putting an ad on Facebook, Hickey was swamped with offers to both sell and buy real mothers' milk.  He quickly realized that the sale of mothers' milk, properly marketed, could supplement his meager income as a roadkill chef in a local restaurant.

Suzzi passed out samples to the Sharks, but only Keven O’Leary tasted the sample and said that it compared very favorably for some mothers milk that he had drunk a couple of months prior to the taping of the show.  

Asked about the economics, Hickey said that he pays his “herd” $1.15 per pint, and sells it locally for $4.50 if picked up at his storefront “dairy”, but $15.00 online, including overnight UPS.  He is hoping to get into Whole Foods and possibly Krogers in the near future.  

While impressed with the margins, Robert Herjavec said it would not fit into his investment portfolio and declined, as did Mark Cuban who did not see a sports-related market for the product.

Daymond John showed an interest, particularly since many of her herd were probably minority women, considering that the company is based in Arkansas.  He declined to invest, however, saying that it would be a conflict with his investment in “Bovine Mama”, which offered a similar product in the mid-Atlantic states.

O’Leary declined to invest because he didn’t think it had licensing possibilities, but Shark Barbara Cocoran jumped in and made the investment, stating that it would fit in nicely with her other food product investments.

Musk's Boring Company Gets Mexican Contract

Mexico City - April 2, 2020.                                                                                                 Elon Musk announced that The Boring Company has received a contract to construct multiple tunnels at undisclosed locations in Mexico.  The Boring Company has completed one tunnel to convey automobiles and pedestrians in Las Vegas and is in the process of completing a second one.  The company is also negotiating with the city of Chicago for the construction of a tunnel from downtown to its nearby airport.  "This will be The Boring Company's first contract to construct tunnels in a foreign country and the first with a privately-owned customer," Musk announced at a joint press conference with El Mencho, the CEO of The Cartel Jalisco Nueva Generacion.

Boring Company Flamethrower

 Although details of the contract have not been announced, the contract will provide for the construction of the tunnels in northern Mexico. As a bonus for Musk, the contracting party is also expected to order several performance models of the Tesla Model X as well as the Cybertruck. "I bought mucho numbers of The Boring Company's flamethrower," said El Mencho, "and my company found many out-of-the-box uses for them." (Spanish to English translation supplied by Google Translate).

Trump Order Cell Phone Ventilators

WASHINGTON, DC March 30, 2020
President Trump today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require cell phone manufacturers to produce programs that will make everyone's mobile phone into a ventilator.  "I have today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require Apple and Google to make programs, sometimes called 'apps' that will make their cell phones into ventilators.  I told Tim Cook that I want the iPhones to work by holding them up to a person's nose and have lifesaving oxygen come out of the speaker holes, and the guy with a foreign-sounding name who runs Google to make a program so that the adenoids (sic) phones do the same."    Trump told a press conference on the Rose Garden lawn that this was entirely possible by Dr. Ben Carson, and easily done.  "It will be beautiful", Trump said. The programs will be available on the iTunes store for a nominal charge or can be downloaded free on the www.makeamericagreatagain.net website starting Good Friday.

Burlington, VT - Socialist Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders today announced that his Medicare for All will include coverage for pets.  "Why should cats, rabbits, dogs, and even pet birds do without proper health care",  Sanders said from his home where he is recovering from a recent heart attack. " I know that a lot of folks whose income puts them below the poverty line cannot afford proper veterinary care for the animal members of their household.  Under the Sanders plan, even those damn pit bulldogs would be covered, and I know that coverage will be appreciated by the African American Community."

When pressed for more details, Sanders did impose conditions, however.  He did not want the free coverage to apply to pets that were imported without going through the lawful immigration procedures, but would apply, for instance, to puppies born in the United States to illegally imported bitches.  "Sort of like the Dreamers program that I have been fighting for", he said. "Pre-existing conditions will be covered, such as hoof and mouth disease for pet horses."

Before drifting off for his afternoon nap, Mr. Sanders also told this reporter (off the record, because it has not yet been discussed with his staff), that he is considering free dog training for puppies at no cost, with classes to be provided by local community colleges.

"I will announce these important additions at the next Democratic debate, provided my stents hold", he said.

Democratic Debate Thursday June 27, 2019

MIAMI – Thursday evening, June 27, the remaining “top 20” Democratic candidates will debate on NBC, its English-speaking affiliates, and Telemundo.

Not to be outdone by Wednesday’s candidates, who annoyed many non-Hispanic viewers and members of the audience by mumbling something in Spanish, the candidates tonight are taking a different tact:  Bernie Sanders will start by entering the platform dancing the horah, and greeting the hosts with “shalom.”  Mr. Bennet will apologize that he can’t speak Spanish and has a difficult time with English.  Mr. Yang will read from a fortune cookie.  Pamela Harris will simply wear a small sign that says, “Yes, I too speak Spanish, but I would prefer to spend my time speaking to the 90% of viewers who would not understand.”  Mr. Swalwell will demonstrate his proficiency in Pig Latin by starting his first answer with: “atwhay ethay uckfay amyay iyay oingday erehay anywayyay?”  Kristin Gellibrand will end her final statement with an apology to the voters of Minnesota for her rush to the judgment of Senator Al Franken. Joe Biden will apologize profusely for all the things he did during his many years of public service but may stray away from the podium to give Ms. Williamson a back rub from time to time. Mayor Buttigieg, wearing a rainbow tie and speaking in Ebonics, will assure the African-American residents of South Bend that he will employ more police officers, but will not give the white officers any weapons.  Mr. Hickenlooper will just stand around looking like a Hickenlooper.

Tune in tonight at 9:00 pm. EDT!

Joint Zoo - Prison Program Announced

TAMPA – Stanley “Stosh” Treed-Kohn, director of the Lowry Zoo in Tampa and Hillsborough County Sheriff Huckabee Lopez have announced a joint exhibition for their respective facilities.  “The Lowry Zoo will have a small number of cages in which prisoners will be housed and exhibited as part of the primate section of the zoo,” Treed-Kohn said.  “Sheriff Lopez will furnish trustees for the exhibit, many of whom have volunteered to be in the zoo because it will be time away from the boring day-to-day activity of living life in prison.  They will be getting some sunshine and get to see a lot of people, some of whom might offer them candy or other foods that can be purchased at the zoo, just like zoo-goers buy food to feed the giraffes.”

Inmate Volunteers

Meerkats Going to Prison

In return for supplying prisoners for the new exhibit, the Lowry Zoo will loan the prison some of its excess animals.  “We have a shit load of turtles and more meerkats than we need, and it will probably improve the moral of the prisoners to have something different to look at in their exercise yard”, said Treed-Kohn.  “The zoo was going to loan us some monkeys also, but it might be hard to tell them apart from some of the inmates, so I took a pass on that offer, said Sheriff Lopez.”

The exchange program will start in early April when the evening temperatures are warm enough for the visiting prisoners to stay in their cages overnight.  The zoo is modifying some currently empty exhibit cages to provide some minimal privacy at times “when nature calls”.

This zoo-prison program is thought to be the first of its kind in the nation, although a similar program between the National Zoo in Washington and Guantanamo Bay facility was considered during the Bush administration, but rejected because of Republican opposition to bringing Muslims into the continental United States.

Congress to Investigate Benghazi Again

WASHINGTON D.C.   In a joint statement today Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and 

Majority Leader McConnell

Chats with Russians

Wearing Ivanka

Wears Ivanka

Senate Majority Leader Mitch (“the turtle”) McConnell today announced that they are planning a further investigation of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in Benghazi.  “The disclosure today that National Security Advisor General Michael T. Flynn had improper communications with Russian operatives make it imperative that we renew our multiple previous investigations of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to determine whether she was in contact with the Russians, which contact contributed to the Benghazi massacre” said Ryan.  “This is far more important than whether General Flynn lied to Vice President Pence, or whether Ivanka’s jewelry was not selling well.  We will investigate whether Nordstrom’s despicable marketing should be investigated by the Justice Department, as urged by Senior Presidential Counselor KellyAnn Conway”.

Needs tutoring

In other news, the White House announced that Press Secretary Sean Spicer  would receive remedial reading and speech tutoring, a move applauded by the Washington press corps. 

Needs DNA Evidence

 The Department of Homeland Security advised Mr. Trump, the so-called President, that Attorney General Jeff Sessions ruled that Alec Baldwin’s passport could not be revoked in the absence of evidence that Mr. Baldwin had some African heritage in his DNA.

So-Called President

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