MOSSAD NOMINATED FOR SPECIAL PRIZE IN PHYSICS

President Biden to Endorse Prevagen

Prevagen Spokesperson

 WASHINGTON, DC:  In a joint announcement today, President Joseph Biden and Prevagen's vice president for marketing, Henry Molaison, announced that starting January 21, President Biden will become the spokesperson for Prevagen, the memory enhancement supplement.  "President Joe is the ideal spokesperson for Previgen," Mr. Molaison said, "He has consumed it in quantity since he was elected the 46th president, and he credits our product with his maintaining an astute memory and cognitive function, which Americans have witnessed daily on the news."

Biden's Memory Enhancer

"It made me the great leader I have been for decades, and it will, in the future, let me remember how the Democratic Party fucked me in this last election cycle."

Preigen's main ingredient is jellyfish, which also helps President Biden maintain a strong backbone despite his advanced age.

The exact terms of the contract have yet to be publicly disclosed.

Celebrity Remains Attract Collectors

WYNANTSKILL, NY - After reading that Beverly Hills tech investor Anthony Jabin purchased a crypt next to that of Marilyn Monroe and Hugh Hefner for close to $200,000 and her bathing suit for $88,900, a local investor told this reporter that she has contacted Julien's Auctions to offer one of Clark Gable's pubic hairs at their next celebrity auction. (a nonagenarian, she asked that her name not be used to protect her identity in this small community) 

"Years ago," Sylvia said, "I simply wrote to famous people and asked them for a sample of their pubic hair. To my surprise, the black hair arrived in an envelope a short time later.  I sent letters to other celebrities and famous men and women, and although many never responded, I have quite a collection now, which I will either sell or bequeath to my nephew."  

Contacted by this reporter to gauge his interest in purchasing a sample of the Gable pubic hair, tech investor Jabin declined, saying "As a straight guy, I would much rather spend my fortune on some pussy fuzz from Lauren Bacall or a teen-aged Shirley Temple."

New Shampoo from P & G

CINCINNATI, OH – Proctor & Gamble Corporation today announced its newest shampoo. P & G (NYSE: PG), an industry leader in anti-itch products, noted famously for its Head and Shoulders shampoo, said that its new companion product, Groin, Pitts, & Pussy. “Like regular Head and Shoulders for the head, we learned that our customers needed a product to control itch on other, more private hairy parts of their body. Our chemists modified Head and Shoulders by substituting tree oil in place of Pyrithione Zinc (ZPT) and added a new and now proprietary ingredient that we purchased from a pharmacist in London who developed this remarkable drug while treating Piccadilly Circus street whores,” said Peter Gamble, the grandson of Horatio Proctor and Suzi Gamble, founders of the company, who is now Vice President of Itch Marketing. “Look for it soon on drug store shelves, near deodorant, feminine hygiene products, and rubbers,” Gamble said.