Supreme Court Nominee Dispells Rumors

In an effort to quell the rumor that she is gay, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan appears on a 60 Minutes segment to be aired Sunday, May 30 (See local CBS stations for time - it is usually delayed by sports events). In the segment, Ms. Kagan states that she is not now, nor has ever been homosexual (except for a brief episode in a teenage camp where she served as a junior counselor). In fact, Ms. Kagan noted, she usually mutes her TV when Ellen DeGeneres speaks on “American Idol”, and doesn’t even watch “the Bowersox lady” perform. (She uses the time to make her favorite comfort food, a Cross & Blackwell marmalade sandwich on Weight Watcher bread.) As further proof of her straight, traditional heterosexual orientation, she allowed herself to engage in foreplay with Steve Kroft, but her refusal to perform oral sex on Andy Rooney was not seen by the 60 Minutes reporter Lesley Stall as significant, who said: “Who would?” The Obama administration was pleased that Ms. Kagan chose this venue to assert her heterosexuality. “This should sure end all stories about Elena’s muff diving,” said press secretary Robert Gibbs.

Disillusioned Father Changes Daughter’s Name

LAKELAND - FL. Disillusioned by the accidents and necessary recalls of Toyota automobiles, Lakeland resident Pablo Eucharist filed a petition in the Circuit Court to legally change the name of his three-year-old daughter, Prius, to Molly. Eucharist and his wife, Georgiana, had taken advantage of an ongoing, but little-publicized program by Toyota North America which provided $3,000 to $5,000 in cashback to new car purchasers who gave newborn children the same name as the model car they purchased. “Financially, it made sense at the time, and the name Prius sounds quite nice,” Eucharist said, “but now there is a certain stigma that I don’t want my daughter to have when she grows up. I can just imagine all of the jokes by guys that ‘Prius just doesn’t stop’, and I won’t subject her to that.” Eucharist said that his other children, eleven-year-old daughter, Sequoia, and fourteen-year-old son, RAV4, like their names and told him that they don’t want them changed. Asked about the financial ramifications of changing her name to Molly, Eucharist said that his dealer is making an inquiry to Toyota to determine whether he must repay the $3,000 cashback he originally received.

Atrazine Linked to Gay Lifestyle

The National Academy of Sciences recently reported that Atrazine, a common pesticide, chemically castrates male frogs and in some instances changes them into completely functional females. The scientists who conducted the tests reported that 90 percent of the exposed male frogs were demasculinized, suffering from decreased testosterone, low fertility, and an inability to outcompete non-exposed males inbreeding. http://news.mongabay.com/2010/0301-hance_atrazine.html Interestingly, the other 10 percent of the exposed male frogs showed markedly increased heterosexual activity, frequently cheating on their mates. [Most frogs mate for life, frequently choosing a mate while both are polliwogs.]

Gay Frogs

Scientists at the University of Phoenix reported a parallel result in humans. Atrazine is universally used as the pesticide of choice at most golf courses, and as a result, golfers, especially professional golfers, are frequently exposed to large doses of the chemical. Observing the players at several of both public and private courses in the Phoenix, Arizona, area over a period of several years, the scientists found that many of the players exhibited increasingly effeminate traits, including dressing in clothing of colors usually worn by female players. Many have been seen openly hugging on the courses. A congressional hearing may be in the works. Congressman Barney Frank (DEM-Mass.) held a press conference at his Washington office today. Citing both the National Academy of Science and the University of Phoenix reports, Frank said that he would ask Speaker Pelosi to appoint a committee to study the problem, noting that many lawmakers and most lobbyists are golfers. “Although I personally never venture out on a golf course and the chemical would have no effect on me, I am concerned about the frogs, although most of the frogs I know are in Quebec.” Frank also mentioned that Senator Larry Craig had voiced concern about the issue before his retirement from the Senate. Frank also allowed that Tiger Woods “maybe a ten percenter.”

SOUTHWEST AIRLINES BOYCOTTED

LOS ANGELES. Southwest Airlines has been boycotted by the cast and crew of the popular NBC television show, Biggest Loser. "The contestants' boycott is a sign of solidarity with Kevin Smith, who was recently booted from a Southwest Airlines flight," said show host Alison Sweeney. The movement was reportedly spearheaded by the Gray Team, which proposed the boycott. Team member Koli complained, "It is hard enough being a Tongan-American, with all of the prejudice that my ethnicity engenders". "I would also hate to be singled out as an obese Tongan-American when I fly" Trainer Jillian Michaels expressed dissatisfaction with the boycott, saying that she thought that "these fat slobs should devote more time to losing weight rather than complaining about an airline that they never use". Her fellow trainer, Bob Harper, pointed out that whenever the cast travels, they have to go by the program's specially built Winnebago. "It's got helper springs and heavy-duty tires," he said. "If we wanted to fly them somewhere, we would need an Air Force cargo plane." Not to be outdone, the Brown Team has proposed a boycott of Jazz Airlines.

Cheney: Fight Domestic Terrorism with Predator Drones

NEW YORK: Former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney, appearing as a guest on the new Fox television show, “Oxycodone Hour”, today urged that the Obama administration use Predator drone aircraft to combat domestic terrorists. “With a few drones circling Detroit, those Muslim terrorist m*****f*****s would think twice about committing acts of domestic terrorism,” Cheney told Glenn Beck, who is filling in for host Rush Limbaugh. “Our military, the best and most respected in the world, created the Predator drone aircraft at the urging of the Cheney-Bush administration, and its value has been shown by the number of al Qaeda leaders killed by Hellfire missils fired from the drone aircraft”, Cheney said. “Even a couple of Predators flying lazy circles in the sky above the minarets in Detroit would make those bastards think twice about harming the U.S. of A”. “My daughter, Lynn, and I have been drafting a plan that we are going to send to the Kenyan.” During the show, Mr. Beck received a Tweet from CNN personality Lou Dobbs, who suggested that the administration should consider the use of Predator drones equipped with Hellfire missiles along the Mexican border to stop “the unending waves of illegal brown immigrants.” Vice President Cheney, who was also scheduled to be a guest on Larry King Live tonight, will instead appear at a later date to be announced. In his place, Mr. King planned a segment highlighting the attempt of Pocatello, Idaho resident, Albert Qaeda to change his name.