SOUTHWEST AIRLINES BOYCOTTED

LOS ANGELES. Southwest Airlines has been boycotted by the cast and crew of the popular NBC television show, Biggest Loser. "The contestants' boycott is a sign of solidarity with Kevin Smith, who was recently booted from a Southwest Airlines flight," said show host Alison Sweeney. The movement was reportedly spearheaded by the Gray Team, which proposed the boycott. Team member Koli complained, "It is hard enough being a Tongan-American, with all of the prejudice that my ethnicity engenders". "I would also hate to be singled out as an obese Tongan-American when I fly" Trainer Jillian Michaels expressed dissatisfaction with the boycott, saying that she thought that "these fat slobs should devote more time to losing weight rather than complaining about an airline that they never use". Her fellow trainer, Bob Harper, pointed out that whenever the cast travels, they have to go by the program's specially built Winnebago. "It's got helper springs and heavy-duty tires," he said. "If we wanted to fly them somewhere, we would need an Air Force cargo plane." Not to be outdone, the Brown Team has proposed a boycott of Jazz Airlines.

Cheney: Fight Domestic Terrorism with Predator Drones

NEW YORK: Former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney, appearing as a guest on the new Fox television show, “Oxycodone Hour”, today urged that the Obama administration use Predator drone aircraft to combat domestic terrorists. “With a few drones circling Detroit, those Muslim terrorist m*****f*****s would think twice about committing acts of domestic terrorism,” Cheney told Glenn Beck, who is filling in for host Rush Limbaugh. “Our military, the best and most respected in the world, created the Predator drone aircraft at the urging of the Cheney-Bush administration, and its value has been shown by the number of al Qaeda leaders killed by Hellfire missils fired from the drone aircraft”, Cheney said. “Even a couple of Predators flying lazy circles in the sky above the minarets in Detroit would make those bastards think twice about harming the U.S. of A”. “My daughter, Lynn, and I have been drafting a plan that we are going to send to the Kenyan.” During the show, Mr. Beck received a Tweet from CNN personality Lou Dobbs, who suggested that the administration should consider the use of Predator drones equipped with Hellfire missiles along the Mexican border to stop “the unending waves of illegal brown immigrants.” Vice President Cheney, who was also scheduled to be a guest on Larry King Live tonight, will instead appear at a later date to be announced. In his place, Mr. King planned a segment highlighting the attempt of Pocatello, Idaho resident, Albert Qaeda to change his name.