Congress to Investigate Benghazi Again

WASHINGTON D.C.   In a joint statement today Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and 

Majority Leader McConnell

Chats with Russians

Wearing Ivanka

Wears Ivanka

Senate Majority Leader Mitch (“the turtle”) McConnell today announced that they are planning a further investigation of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in Benghazi.  “The disclosure today that National Security Advisor General Michael T. Flynn had improper communications with Russian operatives make it imperative that we renew our multiple previous investigations of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to determine whether she was in contact with the Russians, which contact contributed to the Benghazi massacre” said Ryan.  “This is far more important than whether General Flynn lied to Vice President Pence, or whether Ivanka’s jewelry was not selling well.  We will investigate whether Nordstrom’s despicable marketing should be investigated by the Justice Department, as urged by Senior Presidential Counselor KellyAnn Conway”.

Needs tutoring

In other news, the White House announced that Press Secretary Sean Spicer  would receive remedial reading and speech tutoring, a move applauded by the Washington press corps. 

Needs DNA Evidence

 The Department of Homeland Security advised Mr. Trump, the so-called President, that Attorney General Jeff Sessions ruled that Alec Baldwin’s passport could not be revoked in the absence of evidence that Mr. Baldwin had some African heritage in his DNA.

So-Called President

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EDITORIAL!

While this reporter usually just reports the news to my readers, the time has come when I feel it necessary to share my opinion regarding the unfortunate proliferation of what is commonly called “fake news”.  Domestic scallywags, pundits, and political operatives, to say nothing of Russia and other foreign nations, have flooded the media with untrue statements designed to confuse the electorate and influence our elections.  To me, this is deplorable and I will have no part of it.

I have fought long and hard to ensure that my readers receive only news that passes the “truthfulness” test.  You may have noticed that I always have, and always will quote named sources, some of whom are among the top governmental and political elite.  Even though I receive the information directly from these individuals, and not from a third party or anonymous sources, I check every fact with Snopes and Wikileaks before releasing my reports. I am pleased that my professionalism has been recognized by our outgoing president.

Holbrook
holbrook.spitzer@gmail.com

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Know All Men By These Presents,

            That I, Barack Hussein Obama, the 44^th President of the United States of America and its Protectorates, including, but not limited to Puerto Rico and Guam, hereby applaud the writing skills and professional ethics of Holbrook Spitzer, a natural-born citizen, who, having graduated from a top journalism college, has risen to the top of his chosen trade.

Given at Honolulu, Hawaii, this 7^th day of

January, 2017, and in the 241^st year of our nation.

Military to Celebrate Inaguration of Donald Trump

THE PENTAGON – Joint Chief of Staff Chairman General Joe Dunford announced today that members of the military services will celebrate the inauguration of their new Commander in Chief, Donald P. Trump, on January 20, with a special meal.

No Trump Steaks for these sailors

“President-elect Trump has graciously offered to give the famed “Trump Steaks” to the military services, and our service members all around the globe will enjoy the finest steaks, along with the canned vegetables and the usual crap that our chefs produce.  Unfortunately, members of our submarine fleet won’t be included in the Trump Steak event because of difficulty in making the deliveries to them", General Dunford remarked.  “Shit, we don’t know where most of them are, since they just swim around the oceans underwater for months at a time, but they have plenty of MRE (packaged meals-ready-to-eat)”, he said.

“This is a win-win situation,” Donald Trump, Jr. said. “We have tons of steaks in cold storage that is costing us a bunch.  We donate the steaks to the Trump Foundation for distribution, get a tax break for the gift, eliminate the storage costs, and the soldiers and WACs get a great meal.”

“We are making America great again”, Eric Trump joined in. 

 

Making America Great Again