Trump Order Cell Phone Ventilators

WASHINGTON, DC March 30, 2020
President Trump today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require cell phone manufacturers to produce programs that will make everyone's mobile phone into a ventilator.  "I have today invoked the Defense Procurement Act to require Apple and Google to make programs, sometimes called 'apps' that will make their cell phones into ventilators.  I told Tim Cook that I want the iPhones to work by holding them up to a person's nose and have lifesaving oxygen come out of the speaker holes, and the guy with a foreign-sounding name who runs Google to make a program so that the adenoids (sic) phones do the same."    Trump told a press conference on the Rose Garden lawn that this was entirely possible by Dr. Ben Carson, and easily done.  "It will be beautiful", Trump said. The programs will be available on the iTunes store for a nominal charge or can be downloaded free on the www.makeamericagreatagain.net website starting Good Friday.

Sanders Wants Medicare for Pets

Burlington, VT - Socialist Democrat candidate Bernie Sanders today announced that his Medicare for All will include coverage for pets.  "Why should cats, rabbits, dogs, and even pet birds do without proper health care",  Sanders said from his home where he is recovering from a recent heart attack. " I know that a lot of folks whose income puts them below the poverty line cannot afford proper veterinary care for the animal members of their household.  Under the Sanders plan, even those damn pit bulldogs would be covered, and I know that coverage will be appreciated by the African American Community."

When pressed for more details, Sanders did impose conditions, however.  He did not want the free coverage to apply to pets that were imported without going through the lawful immigration procedures, but would apply, for instance, to puppies born in the United States to illegally imported bitches.  "Sort of like the Dreamers program that I have been fighting for", he said. "Pre-existing conditions will be covered, such as hoof and mouth disease for pet horses."

Before drifting off for his afternoon nap, Mr. Sanders also told this reporter (off the record, because it has not yet been discussed with his staff), that he is considering free dog training for puppies at no cost, with classes to be provided by local community colleges.

"I will announce these important additions at the next Democratic debate, provided my stents hold", he said.

Democratic Debate Thursday June 27, 2019

MIAMI – Thursday evening, June 27, the remaining “top 20” Democratic candidates will debate on NBC, its English-speaking affiliates, and Telemundo.

Not to be outdone by Wednesday’s candidates, who annoyed many non-Hispanic viewers and members of the audience by mumbling something in Spanish, the candidates tonight are taking a different tact:  Bernie Sanders will start by entering the platform dancing the horah, and greeting the hosts with “shalom.”  Mr. Bennet will apologize that he can’t speak Spanish and has a difficult time with English.  Mr. Yang will read from a fortune cookie.  Pamela Harris will simply wear a small sign that says, “Yes, I too speak Spanish, but I would prefer to spend my time speaking to the 90% of viewers who would not understand.”  Mr. Swalwell will demonstrate his proficiency in Pig Latin by starting his first answer with: “atwhay ethay uckfay amyay iyay oingday erehay anywayyay?”  Kristin Gellibrand will end her final statement with an apology to the voters of Minnesota for her rush to the judgment of Senator Al Franken. Joe Biden will apologize profusely for all the things he did during his many years of public service but may stray away from the podium to give Ms. Williamson a back rub from time to time. Mayor Buttigieg, wearing a rainbow tie and speaking in Ebonics, will assure the African-American residents of South Bend that he will employ more police officers, but will not give the white officers any weapons.  Mr. Hickenlooper will just stand around looking like a Hickenlooper.

Tune in tonight at 9:00 pm. EDT!

Joint Zoo - Prison Program Announced

TAMPA – Stanley “Stosh” Treed-Kohn, director of the Lowry Zoo in Tampa and Hillsborough County Sheriff Huckabee Lopez have announced a joint exhibition for their respective facilities.  “The Lowry Zoo will have a small number of cages in which prisoners will be housed and exhibited as part of the primate section of the zoo,” Treed-Kohn said.  “Sheriff Lopez will furnish trustees for the exhibit, many of whom have volunteered to be in the zoo because it will be time away from the boring day-to-day activity of living life in prison.  They will be getting some sunshine and get to see a lot of people, some of whom might offer them candy or other foods that can be purchased at the zoo, just like zoo-goers buy food to feed the giraffes.”

Inmate Volunteers

Meerkats Going to Prison

In return for supplying prisoners for the new exhibit, the Lowry Zoo will loan the prison some of its excess animals.  “We have a shit load of turtles and more meerkats than we need, and it will probably improve the moral of the prisoners to have something different to look at in their exercise yard”, said Treed-Kohn.  “The zoo was going to loan us some monkeys also, but it might be hard to tell them apart from some of the inmates, so I took a pass on that offer, said Sheriff Lopez.”

The exchange program will start in early April when the evening temperatures are warm enough for the visiting prisoners to stay in their cages overnight.  The zoo is modifying some currently empty exhibit cages to provide some minimal privacy at times “when nature calls”.

This zoo-prison program is thought to be the first of its kind in the nation, although a similar program between the National Zoo in Washington and Guantanamo Bay facility was considered during the Bush administration, but rejected because of Republican opposition to bringing Muslims into the continental United States.

Congress to Investigate Benghazi Again

WASHINGTON D.C.   In a joint statement today Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and 

Majority Leader McConnell

Chats with Russians

Wearing Ivanka

Wears Ivanka

Senate Majority Leader Mitch (“the turtle”) McConnell today announced that they are planning a further investigation of Hillary Clinton’s involvement in Benghazi.  “The disclosure today that National Security Advisor General Michael T. Flynn had improper communications with Russian operatives make it imperative that we renew our multiple previous investigations of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to determine whether she was in contact with the Russians, which contact contributed to the Benghazi massacre” said Ryan.  “This is far more important than whether General Flynn lied to Vice President Pence, or whether Ivanka’s jewelry was not selling well.  We will investigate whether Nordstrom’s despicable marketing should be investigated by the Justice Department, as urged by Senior Presidential Counselor KellyAnn Conway”.

Needs tutoring

In other news, the White House announced that Press Secretary Sean Spicer  would receive remedial reading and speech tutoring, a move applauded by the Washington press corps. 

Needs DNA Evidence

 The Department of Homeland Security advised Mr. Trump, the so-called President, that Attorney General Jeff Sessions ruled that Alec Baldwin’s passport could not be revoked in the absence of evidence that Mr. Baldwin had some African heritage in his DNA.

So-Called President

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EDITORIAL!

While this reporter usually just reports the news to my readers, the time has come when I feel it necessary to share my opinion regarding the unfortunate proliferation of what is commonly called “fake news”.  Domestic scallywags, pundits, and political operatives, to say nothing of Russia and other foreign nations, have flooded the media with untrue statements designed to confuse the electorate and influence our elections.  To me, this is deplorable and I will have no part of it.

I have fought long and hard to ensure that my readers receive only news that passes the “truthfulness” test.  You may have noticed that I always have, and always will quote named sources, some of whom are among the top governmental and political elite.  Even though I receive the information directly from these individuals, and not from a third party or anonymous sources, I check every fact with Snopes and Wikileaks before releasing my reports. I am pleased that my professionalism has been recognized by our outgoing president.

Holbrook
holbrook.spitzer@gmail.com

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Know All Men By These Presents,

            That I, Barack Hussein Obama, the 44^th President of the United States of America and its Protectorates, including, but not limited to Puerto Rico and Guam, hereby applaud the writing skills and professional ethics of Holbrook Spitzer, a natural-born citizen, who, having graduated from a top journalism college, has risen to the top of his chosen trade.

Given at Honolulu, Hawaii, this 7^th day of

January, 2017, and in the 241^st year of our nation.